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| Fake Ari only looks like Real Ari |
If you have any questions for Fake Ari, please send them to me at TempX@tempdiaries.com.
*Any similarity to any person living or dead is merely coincidental. No animals were harmed during the writing of this posting. Please don't sue me.
ORIGINALLY POSTED 1/10/12
ANONYMOUS READER ASKS: I'm trying to decide what format to send my resume. Do I attach it? Or put it in the body of the email? Should I send them in Word or .pdf? Which one is the best and is it bad to send .pdf and Word in case the Word doesn't open? Please help!
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| Inhale. Exhale. |
But on the off chance you get your blood pressure under control through medication or redirect your anxiety by grinding your teeth, I have an answer for you. Take a deep breath. The correct answer is attach it as a .pdf AND paste it into the email. Any place you're sending your resume to can open a .pdf because pretty much every script comes in that format. And pasting it in is a good idea in the event they're too stupid to figure out how to open an attachment.
I SAID BREATHE DAMMIT!
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| This stuff writes itself. |
FAKE ARI EMANUEL RESPONDS: You're a comedienne, right? I mean you have to be. Who else would say "I'm an actress in need of a steady income?" Have you already mastered the "Two nuns walk into a bar" routine? Wow! Fake Ari hasn't had a laugh like that since I fired my last assistant for using the three-hole punch too loudly.
But to answer your question - Fake Ari has no idea. But fear not, Fake Ari is smarter than you and is always full of good suggestions as to where to start. Have you considered calling places like Lee Strasberg Theater & Film Institute or the Screen Actors Guild for potential ideas? Fake Ari thinks those places might be useful. But you should stick to comedy, you're a natural.
ORIGINALLY POSTED 10/25/11
ANONYMOUS READER ASKS: I'm a 31-year-old career changer now doing film and media, and I have been applying for various jobs and sending out over 200 resume/demo reel submissions in Los Angeles and nationwide. The problem is that I haven't heard back from anyone, and my "contacts" who are actual working professionals in LA and NYC have not thrown any work my way. I have been networking through friends, cold calling, begging random people in the biz, using online job forums and basically doing everything that I can to find something so I can move down to LA. Everyone tells me to just move and I will find something.
Can you give me some advice or maybe point me in the right direction?
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| Movin' on up. |
#1 -- Do you live in Los Angeles?
#2 -- Do you have access to $50 million in investment capital?
#3 -- Are you related to anyone famous?
#4 -- Do you have any blackmail material on any important Hollywood executive?
#5 -- Are you me?
If you answered "No" to all these questions, and I'm certain that you did, then you have no chance in hell of getting a job out here unless you move here. This town is littered with people just like you. Plus with the California unemployment rate of 12.1%, the line for whatever job you think you're qualified for has a line 100 people deep.
So shit or get off the pot. See you soon.
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| Happy Hour at CAA |
FAKE ARI EMANUEL RESPONDS: Fake Ari is always amazed that so many people want to work at CAA. Their offices have all the aesthetic design of a mausoleum. Plus, do you remember a certain show called Entourage? Would you like to guess what agency that's based on? If you said CAA, you're wrong. If you guessed ICM, Paradigm, Gersh or UTA, you're still wrong. It's based on me...I mean WME.
But to answer your question, CAA assistants hang out at CAA after hours because they're shackled to their desks. They'll work your fingers, not just until they bleed, but until there's nothing left but a stump...starting at your wrist.
As for Part 2 of your question, the answer is "perhaps but doubtful." The one thing the assistants can tell you about are the positions that are open or coming open. But if you think they have any influence in the hiring process, you're too stupid to work in this town anyway.
ORIGINALLY POSTED 7/20/11
ANONYMOUS READER ASKS: I am currently temping for a CEO of a production company and he's a bit of a kurmudgeon...the difficult/challenging type. I am currently getting paid $15 an hour however someone here at the company revealed to me that temp agency is getting $35 an hour! Can you believe that kind of capitalist shit?!
Anyhow. Do you think it's possible to negotiate with my temp agency for more money...I'm looking for $20-22.
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| Me Spell Pretty Some Day |
FAKE ARI EMANUEL RESPONDS:
Have you ever used a computer before? I'm guessing not because
everyone who has knows HOW TO USE FUCKING SPELLCHECK!! It's
"Curmudgeon," not however you fucked it up. I'm surprised the temp
agency even placed you. And don't get me started on your punctuation.
Sentences that are questions end WITH QUESTION MARKS!!
As
for the abomination of marking up your hourly rate, I'm horrified. I
mean most businesses secure things like rent, employees, utilities,
insurance and office supplies on the "Free Stuff" section of
Craigslist...Of course I can believe it. I'm guessing you took Econ 101
in college and got a C-.
But let's get to the re-negotiation portion of your question. Can you attempt to talk to your temp agent about getting a higher salary? Sure. Is asking for a 33 percent raise a sure-fire way to get replaced? Absolutely. These are the kind of discussions you have before starting the job, not while you're already there. Remember, "Temp" is short for "Temporary Employee," which is exactly what you'll be if you consider asking for this kind of a pay bump.
My recommendation -- find a real job.
But let's get to the re-negotiation portion of your question. Can you attempt to talk to your temp agent about getting a higher salary? Sure. Is asking for a 33 percent raise a sure-fire way to get replaced? Absolutely. These are the kind of discussions you have before starting the job, not while you're already there. Remember, "Temp" is short for "Temporary Employee," which is exactly what you'll be if you consider asking for this kind of a pay bump.
My recommendation -- find a real job.
ORIGINALLY POSTED 5/25/11
ANONYMOUS READER ASKS: I graduated from an Ivy in 2006 and a top 25 law school in 2009. Following graduation I used every connection I had at the top agencies to get in as an assistant. Eventually, I got an interview with CAA but it went nowhere (Why did your slaves at WME blow me off son?). I don't fit that storm trooper mold I guess. Ultimately, I took a clerkship and have been working that for the past year. But I can't take it anymore. I have to become an agent; nothing else will do.
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| Tell me something I don't know |
There are tons of people like you wandering the streets of Hollywood trying to join the ranks of people like me. You're over educated and underemployed. My advice to you is simple -- move to where the jobs are. Or be a manager. Those jobs are easier to get.
Oh, and they're not considered slaves if they do it voluntarily. Then they're just considered young, impressionable fools.
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| That's what he said |
FAKE ARI EMANUEL RESPONDS: Fake Ari has one simple rule about interviewing -- if they want to call you, they'll call you. Everything else will piss them off. As for the nine months of internships...well...the longer you want to work for free, the happier your employer is.
ORIGINALLY POSTED 4/28/11
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| I lie! |
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| 32=18 |
Now on to your question. I have two fucking words for you -- Riley Weston. But because you're too young and not smart enough to know who that is, I'll explain. Actually I only have 10 minutes until my Hyperbaric Oxygen Chamber Therapy and Infrared Body Wrap appointment, so I'll let Entertainment Weekly do it for me:
For 14 years, 32-year-old Riley Weston was just another struggling actress in Hollywood, going nowhere fast. Tired of waiting for the perfect part, she created it instead: teen writing prodigy on Felicity, The WB's hit about an 18-year-old college freshman. She aced the part, too, delivering an Oscar-worthy performance capable of fooling a powerful studio (Disney), a network, a talent agency (United Talent Agency), and numerous publications, including this one (she appeared on our It List last June).
But reality and fantasy collided on Oct. 15: A former friend snitched, apparently angered at all the attention Weston was getting — not to mention her two-year, $300,000 development deal from Disney Touchstone TV. Faster than you can say Milli Vanilli, the phenom was unmasked as a fake.
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| Never rat on your friends and always keep your mouth shut |
I'll say this, if you're going to lie, either use a series of small, imperceptible lies or go all in. That is if you go small, just add a few months to your past job. Or add responsibilities your supervisor had. Something within the realm of possibility. Or, go balls out and tell people you were Sidney Lumet's personal assistant for the last six years. Since he's dead, who could they possibly call for a reference? And for fuck's sake, don't have a LinkedIn account with your real info.
ORIGINALLY POSTED 3/30/11
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| Milwaukee's (Fourth) Best Beer |
FAKE ARI EMANUEL RESPONDS: Ok dipshit. Here's a tip. I expect constant adulation. So thank me at the beginning, middle and end of your question. And sprinkle it with apologies and begging for forgiveness for taking up my valuable time. One moment please. I have an idiot to yell at...
You fucking call this shiatsu massage? I could do a better job with a rolling pin and a handful of goddamn thumbtacks. Get off me. Now! Now get back to your desk and set my lunch.Alright. I'm only going to say this once. So get out your crayons, Etch a Sketch or whatever mommy lets you use. A resume is like a PR pitch, so write to your audience. PR firms don't care that you worked at the Safeway in Kalamazoo. They care that you're a news junkie and what you've studied that relates to their business. They care that you understand social media. They care that you've worked on projects and have delivered results. And they care that there aren't any fucking typos in your fucking resume!
How do I know I'm right? Because I'm going to il Cielo where I'll dine on Costata di Manzo alla Griglia and a glass of 1990 Chateaux Latour Pauillac while you're chowing down on Ramen Noodles and Milwaukee's Best. Bon Appetit bitches.
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| As seen on Jennifer Aniston's face |
FAKE ARI EMANUEL RESPONDS: First off, I look down my nose...err...let's just say you're not in Fake Ari's league to even ask those questions. Secondly, my proboscis is as real as the nose on your...well, whatever. I don't have to answer to you. You're a nothing and I'm Fake Ari Emanuel. So suck it! And I don't even care if you don't believe me. It's no skin off my...DAMMIT! Fine. It's as fake as I am. Are you happy? I PAID THROUGH THE NOSE FOR THIS NOSE. It was worth every penny. Nosey bitch.
ORIGINALLY POSTED 3/7/11
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| NBC's new logo |
FAKE ARI EMANUEL RESPONDS: You've pointed out your own problem -- likely one of many -- you're creative. Hollywood isn't about being creative. It's about reusing old ideas with a built in audience, thus minimizing financial risk. Think I'm wrong? Fake Ari is never wrong. Here's just some of the retreads that have been picked for this pilot season:
- Wonder Woman (NBC): Based on the DC comic and TV series with Lynda Carter, a hot chick in a corset fights crime while her tits jiggle.
- The Munsters (NBC): Based on the comedy from the 1960s and subsequent syndicated version from the 1988-91, it follows the home life of monsters. It's a slightly more refined version of life with the Huvane family.
- Emerald City (NBC): Based on the Wizard of Oz, but this time set in a major metropolis. Damn, this is a terrible idea. And I'll stomach anything that involves one of our clients.
- Dallas (TNT): Based on the long running series about conniving, vindictive and downright evil Texas oil barons, this show follows the next generation. Conniving? Vindictive? Evil? This show sounds fantastic. No wonder it's already been picked up to series.
- Charlie’s Angels (ABC): Based on the long-running series with the hot blond, the hot brunette and Kate Jackson, private eyes fight crime while their tits jiggle.
- Romeo & Juliet (ABC): Based on Shakespeare's play about star-crossed lovers, this show...wow...this one might be even worse than Emerald City.
- True Lies (ABC): Based on the movie of the same name, ABC hopes this show has a better fate than their previous attempt at this show -- the failed Mr. and Mrs. Smith pilot of 2007.
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| Bon Appetit le Jerkoff |
FAKE ARI EMANUEL RESPONDS: Well aren't you the fancy one? I put myself through Macalester digging graves at a pet cemetery while people like you are gallivanting through the Côte d'Azur drinking pastis, eating Salade Niçoise and pretending it's college. But perhaps you're learning something while gazing at better scenery than St. Paul. To that I say "Screw You."
Work experience abroad will never equal that in the U.S. simply because foreigners are inferior members of the global economy. But if it's the best you can do, it's the best you can do. Put it on your resume and pad it 1 percent more for each time zone removed from Hollywood. So if you were working in London (PST +8 hours), add 8 percent more bullshit to your resume. Then you'll be on a level playing field with students interning in Los Angeles.
As for your comments about my brother, don't think those have gone unnoticed. Rahm still has a few contacts in D.C. who can make your return through U.S. Customs more than a bit uncomfortable. Does the term "body cavity search" mean anything to you?
ORIGINALLY POSTED 2/17/11
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| Professional Combover: Do not attempt |
FAKE ARI EMANUEL RESPONDS: Listen jerkoff, this isn't my first go 'round at the bullshit rodeo. There's no way someone who just graduated from college makes a Yul Brynner reference...unless you're 50. And if that's the case, you might as well move right now because you as unhireable as Mary Kay Letourneau is at Fairfax High School. But let's assume you're actually in your early 20s. If that's the case, use what's left of your rapidly depleting follicles to your advantage. Lie on your your resume and say you were a Co-EP on According to Jim. HR will have to believe you because 1) you look older and more distinguished and 2) no one is dumb enough to lie about working on a show that bad.
If you decide to lop off your luscious locks, you'll be a shoo-in at ICM. They have more shaved heads per capita then the NBA. Plus they're a second tier agency, which is perfect for you.
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| Pennsylvania 6-5000 please. |
FAKE ARI EMANUEL RESPONDS: Duh.
The one thing Fake Ari can do is explain the process of becoming an agent. I don't want to because I have to yell at the Hollywood Foreign Press about ripping WME2 client Ricky Gervais. But I will.
All agents start off as assistants. So the trick is getting in the door, even as a...excuse me while I throw up in my mouth a little...a temp. Once you get hired on full time, and after a year of catering to someone's every whim, they'll let you apply to the agent training program. If you're accepted, this usually entails a demotion to mail room for a year of sorting people's mail. If you survive the countless paper cuts, you'll move back to being an assistant in your area of interest. If you don't screw that up, you'll get promoted to co-ordinator, junior agent and finally, if you don't suffer a massive panic attack, agent. Then I'll have you fired.
ANONYMOUS READER ASKS: I just moved here from out of state and I am starting to make good contacts. People are asking for a resume and I was wondering if outside industry experience, specifically construction, belongs on a resume. I was assisting people, but in a much different capacity. Any advice? If not, go F yourself.
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| I've had people killed for lesser reasons |
Oh, and if you're out walking and you hear a rustling in the bushes, it's certainly not a sharpshooter with a Remington 700 SPS Tactical .223 rifle with a Simmons Blazer 3-9X40 scope and a laser pointer. But I also wouldn't stop to check it out.
ORIGINALLY POSTED 1/4/11
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| Welcome to Hollywood! |
FAKE ARI EMANUEL RESPONDS: Is it one of the good sororities? If so, yes. But if it's one of the crappy ones (and you know what I mean) then no.
Actually, Fake Ari is going to be serious for a moment. No one in Hollywood cares what fraternity or sorority you were in. It doesn't matter if you were President, Fall Rush Chair or Hazer-in-Chief. The second you get your diploma, your affiliation with the Panhellenic Council is meaningless. In fact, your Greek affiliation meant nothing even when you were in college...you just didn't know it then. That said, certain things acquired in the Greek system like pain tolerance and faux sincerity are very useful in Hollywood. Don't lose those skills.
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| Lazy picture idea |
FAKE ARI EMANUEL RESPONDS: First of all, no one starts a conversation with Fake Ari with "Howdy." This isn't one of those "flyover states." This is Hollywood. Call me "Mr. Fake Emanuel."
There are two answers to your question:
- You haven't accomplished a goddamn thing yet. Here's a rule of thumb: if the word "Assistant" is somewhere in your title or job description -- one page.
- People in Hollywood can't read.
ORIGINALLY POSTED 10/28/10
ANONYMOUS READER ASKS: I moved to LA two months ago and have had a horrible time finding work. There are jobs posted everywhere but I never get called. So I thought I would try temping, but WTF? How do I even get a pimp? I have a wealth of business experience including industry experience and two overpriced college degrees and I can't even get a freaking interview with a temp pimp. Can you help? I'm not getting any younger.
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| First Chicago. Next, the World! |
Let's get one thing straight. This stupid site you're reading has a list of every popular Pimp in town. Anyone of those asshats will let you come in an take a typing test. It's no skin off their balls. So go in and don't fuck it up.
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| Got a Low Self Opinion? Lie! |
Now let's discuss your point about not getting any younger. Clearly you haven't figured out Hollywood. People get younger in this town all the time. Sandra Bullock interrupted the space/time continuum. Jennifer Lopez can't work a calendar. And Eminem obviously needs Flava Flav's oversize clock necklace. Oh. I also have two words for you "BO-motherfuckin'-TOX."
Now get out of my face. You're bothering me.
ORIGINALLY POSTED 9/8/10
ANONYMOUS READER ASKS: I'm a sophomore in college majoring in business and thinking about moving to LA after graduation to be an agent. Can you explain the process for becoming an agent at a big firm like CAA? Also, do you have any recommendations about getting an internship? I want to be an agent because I love movies and love Hollywood. This is one job I would do not because of the money and that's rare. Please help.
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| Yassir! That's Arafat's mausoleum. |
Here's how you become an agent at big agencies like WME2 and whoever else you falsely consider important. You first need to get hired as an assistant, mail room jockey or floater. After kissing ass for a few months, apply to their agent-training program. Provided they accept your pathetic ass, you'll probably get demoted to the mail room while learning the company inside and out. You'll also take corporate training about agenting, and if I have anything to say about it, new curriculum like "Duplicitous Assholery 101" and "Self Importance for the Pathetic." Once you pass these rounds of flagellation, you'll get upped (that's an industry word, look it up) to assistant, coordinator and then agent. Somehow this whole process takes longer than law school and serves no purpose outside Los Angeles County. But that's your problem.
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| Is this what it's come to? |
Well newbie. That's it. If you don't think I answered your question. Screw you. There are 15 people behind you who think I did a great job and will flatter me endlessly.
ORIGINALLY POSTED 8/18/10
ANONYMOUS READER ASKS: I am Australian! Do you think anyone can sponsor my visa?
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| Are you looking at my boobs? |
ANONYMOUS READER ASKS: I just moved closer to the city and have only been living around here for a couple months. Just wondered if you could recommend any decent bars or places to chill that aren't real pricey?
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| Another Frank Gehry-designed building |
ORIGINALLY POSTED 8/3/10
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| Read: "Too cheap to pay" |
After work, I emailed the exec asking him if he needs me to come in tomorrow. He responds the next day, "Things suddenly got really busy we'll meet next week." The next week rolls around and I don't hear from him again. So I give him a call and a girl picks up (I immediately knew that meant the position had been filled). When I ask for the exec, she puts me on hold for a moment and then tells me, "He just stepped out."
Any idea why someone would do this? What do you think I should do the next time?
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| Not Real Ari; Coffee-bean pooping monkey |
Ok plebe, I'm only gonna say this once because I have no time for your "woe is me" shit. No one in this town cares that you have to pay rent or maybe you want to eat. When a self-important exec says "Jump!" you say "How high, and can I get your lunch while I'm there?" You know why? Because there's a line of 15 people behind you willing to work for free. I'm not sure how they afford it, but that's their problem. All we execs need to do is dangle the mythical carrot of a "creative job" and you newbies will do anything. Furthermore, we won't "hire" them unless they bring their own laptops. This way the whole thing is free. Pretty good business model, huh?
Oh. Guess what? You're hired. Ok, now you're fired. God that felt good.
7 comments:
haha this entire blog is hilarious I am sorry for my own sake that I just now found it.
it is pretty amusing. ;-) and true, since i work in the industry and have seen it myself...
YES!! Finally a fucking blog to read with my coffee in the morning. Too funny.
I have been doing production for about 5 years and have done everything from production coordinating to being a production assistant, but i for some reason can not get a call back to save my life. I am trying to get more into producing so I have been trying to get a temp spot with a company from here as either a producers assistant or an admin/ exec assistant but am getting no response. any advice
The other day a girl on the lot looked me up on the Studio Directory and said..."you're just a temp?!" She never spoke to me again.
Any job posted in the temp diary website is old. Chances are they were filled before they made the UTA list (which is the main source of the job list).
I applied to 100 and something positions in the last 2 months. I didn't get even a call back.
It is a placebo effect type of thing but you won't get any work. Sorry.
you are a terrorist
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