When "Grumpy Cat: The Movie" just isn't enough

Hollywood is at it again. This time Internet meme Grumpy Cat appears to be on the cusp of getting a movie deal.  This is not a joke.  Hollywood execs are that lazy and/or stupid when it comes to film making that the best they can come up with is a retread of Garfield, which is essentially Eeyore from  Winnie the Pooh.

Anyway, as long as nincompoop studios are lining up for animal movies, I have a few of my own I'd like to recommend.  Of course, if any of these get greenlit, I want upfront fees and points on the back end.

Chicken Car - The crazy antics of a crime-fighting poultrymobile.
Think Knight Rider with beaks.

Goldfish - A murder mystery in which Hercule Poirot must figure out which
identical twin fish killed and ate his crispy, cheddar-flavored brother.

 

Mexican Dog - No logline needed

To the Ladies and Gentlemen of the Class of 2013.....

I was recently asked to give the commencement address to the 2013 graduates of Chapman University.  I guess I could say I was pleased, but I would have much rather watched the Memphis/San Antonio game.  In the process of writing this speech, I realized Hollywood execs are smarter than first thought.  Turns out it's much easier to remake something than it is to start from scratch.  

Following is a transcript of that address... 

Ladies and Gentlemen of the Class of 2013:

Sunscreen sucks.

If I could offer you only one tip for your future in Hollywood, skip the sunscreen. The short-term perks of a tan -- the healthy glow, tantalizing bikini lines -- have been proven time and again. The rest of my advice has no basis more reliable than my own meandering experience. I will dispense this nonsense now.

Sleep around.

It's fun. Everyone in Hollywood is good looking. When poolside at the Roosevelt, tell the model wannabe next to you that you're a producer on CSI: Miami. Then see what happens. Bottle service helps.

Vomit.

There's no better way to keep your body in shape than doing abdominal crunches while talking on the Porcelain telephone.

Be jealous.

This town is full of people who get things they don't deserve. Some day, that person might be you. And then you can look down on the masses and mock them.

Keep your old bank statements. Throw away your love letters. Only one of these is beneficial in divorce court.

Smoke cigarettes.

Parliament Lights. Marlboro Lights. Camel Lights. Any of them act as a fantastic appetite suppressant. Smoking makes you cool and it looks great on film. But don't smoke pot because it'll make you hungry.

Plagiarize.

Just tell everyone that your script is an homage to Chayefsky's Network, not a scene by-scene redo. (But hire a good lawyer just in case.)

Buy knee pads.

Maybe you'll marry, maybe you won't. Maybe you'll have an affair with the boss and get promoted. Maybe you'll accidentally get knocked up and have to have an abortion which your boss will put on his corporate AmEx and make you file the expense report. Maybe he'll go back to his wife because he can't afford a divorce in a communal property state especially in this economy.

Love is a relative term.

Whatever you do, don't ever stop self promotion. The key to success in Hollywood is convincing others of how great you are, even if it's not true.

Enhance your body.

If you see something sagging, bagging or dragging, it's best to nip it, tuck it and suck it. If God didn't want you to get plastic surgery, he wouldn't have invented Dr. 90210.

Lap Dance.

Because it pays more than temping and you'll meet more Hollywood executives that way.

Read the directions.

Because your boss's iPhone won't program itself.

Read fashion magazines. Inner beauty is for ugly people.

Get to know your parents. Because once you become a big Hollywood star, you'll blow them off in favor of partying at the Playboy mansion.

Be nice to your siblings. They've got dirt on you that they'll happily to sell to the National Enquirer if you screw them over.

Understand that Hollywood friends come and go because if they can't do anything for you, they're not worth your time. Plus it takes way too long to get from Santa Monica to Los Feliz.

Live in Hollywood once, but leave before you get stupid. Live in Burbank once, but leave before you get bored.

Drink heavily.

Accept certain inalienable truths. Reality programs are here to stay. Movie studio execs are mostly lazy. And when you do, you'll fantasize that when you were young, TV shows had scripts and some movies weren't remakes.

Suck up.

Nothing will get you further in Hollywood than kissing ass. Differentiate yourself by ass kissing in different ways such as the Spider-man Kiss ("You produced Spider-man 3? I love when Mary Jane sings!") and the French Canadian Kiss (It's like a regular kiss, but without union difficulties and with a better exchange rate.)

Find someone to support you. Maybe they have a trust fund. Maybe...oh it's probably a trust fund. But hold on with a vice grip because it's easier than working.

Use hair extensions because they look completely natural. Make sure you use a nice epoxy when installing them.

Advice is a way to helping others. Don't offer it. Dispense "recommendations" that won't work, because you don't want someone younger and with a higher, firmer butt passing you on the final lap.

But trust me on the sunscreen.

Upfront, but already behind -- The CW

The CW...in better days

To absolutely no fanfare, The CW held their Upfronts yesterday.  At a potluck event, the sixth network (don't sleep on Univision) announced new shows featuring teen vampires or teen gnomes or teen winged unicorns or whatever the fuck they are.  The truth is no matter what they shove on to this network, it'll never draw less than a 1.5 and never more than a 1.9.  So that's nice.

Anyway, over the course of the 2013-14 season, The CW is adding six new programs - five dramas and one reality show.  As we all know, some of their new offerings might suffer an untimely demise at some point during the upcoming TV season.  And it's your task to predict which ones they will be.

Take a few minutes and make your guesses in the poll below.  I've decided I'll post the results next week.  So stay tuned.  And thanks for playing.

Upfront, but already behind -- CBS

Mrs. CBS

Like it matters at this point.  We already know that CBS is going to win the ratings war for next season.  But in fairness to all the other networks, let's go through this exercise anyway.

Over the course of the 2013-14 season, CBS is adding five new programs - four comedies and one drama.  As we all know, some of their new shows might suffer an untimely demise at some point during the upcoming TV season (not taint the results, but I'm guessing it'll be a comedy).  And it's your task to predict which ones they will be.

Take a few minutes and make your guesses in the poll below.  I'll keep you posted on the results.  Under protest, I'll put one together for The CW tomorrow.  But the truth is, they should just cancel the network.

Upfront, but already behind -- ABC

Tru dat

It's the midway point of Upfronts week, and aren't we having fun?*  Today we're focused on ABC, the network that brings us such Peabody-award winning programs as Wipeout and The Bachelorette.  But this isn't about what's already littering the airways, it's what's coming to litter them soon.

Over the course of the 2013-14 season, ABC is adding eight new programs.  Luckily none of them involve "celebrity" diving competitions (looks like Splash might just be a one and done. #TeamNicole).  As we all know, some of their new shows might suffer an untimely demise at some point during the upcoming TV season.  And it's your task to predict which ones they will be.

Take a few minutes and make your guesses in the poll below.  I'll keep you posted on the results.  And check back tomorrow for the next network, CBS.

*I don't count The CW as your average infomercial draws better ratings than this network.

Upfront, but already behind -- FOX

No caption needed

It seems like just yesterday, FOX could do no wrong with their programming.  They were riding high on the strength of American Idol and...well... whatever other shows they had.  But Idol ratings are hitting the skids and it appears that all four judges will soon be hitting the road.  So now FOX needs to figure out ways to bump up ratings without the solution being, "Add more karaoke shows."

Over the course of the 2013-14 season, FOX is adding six new programs.  And just like NBC (well, maybe not that bad) some of their new shows might suffer an untimely demise at some point during the upcoming TV season.  And it's your task to predict which ones they will be.

Take a few minutes and make your guesses in the poll below.  I'll keep you posted on the results.  And check back tomorrow for the next network, ABC.

Upfront, but already behind -- NBC

Our ratings have to be
around here somewhere

Happy Upfronts Week!!  It's like Christmas for people who have nothing better to do.

For those unfamiliar, Upfronts is the time when network execs announce their new shows and overall schedule for the upcoming season while sucking up to ad agencies to get them to advertise on said shows.  The ad agencies, in turn, kiss their clients' asses while begging for them to pay millions for these advertisements.  Those clients then try to confuse you, the American public, into buying all the crap they're selling, thus justifying the millions they just blew.  So really, this week is all about you.  Congrats.

As we all know, a large chunk of these new programs won't survive the season.  In some cases, it's because they aren't any good.  In other cases, the show suffered from timeslot woes, rotten marketing or just bad luck.  Over the course of this week, we're gonna predict just which of these shows will suffer an untimely death at some point during the 2013-14 season.

As NBC announced their new shows on Sunday, we're going to start with them.  So take a few minutes and make your guesses in the poll below.  I'll keep you posted on the results.  And check back tomorrow for the next network, FOX.

Enjoy!

Don't get mad, get even

Think you're getting taken advantage of in your internship? Here's your chance to get even.  ProPublica is doing an investigation into it.  Here's the link.

http://www.propublica.org/getinvolved/item/worked-an-internship-in-2013-tell-us-about-it

Maybe we can change the world just a little bit. If not, at least we tried.