Reese Witherspoon's statement (the one with tracked changes)

As we all know by now, Reese Witherspoon and her husband, CAA agent Jim Toth were arrested in Atlanta over the weekend for having a little too much fun.  Toth, who was reportedly driving a 2013 Ford Fusion (insert your own joke here) blew a .139 on the breathalyzer.  Witherspoon, well the Legally Blonde star got hit with a disorderly conduct charge after berating the arresting officer and not paying attention to his commands.  According to Variety, Witherspoon yelled at the arresting officer, saying, "Do you know my name?" and "You’re about to find out who I am."

Well, when she sobered up, Witherspoon decided to put out a statement.  But there's no doubt that this collection of words her publicist put together  she thought of on her own, was preceded by many earlier drafts.  Thanks to my sources, I've secured the version of this statement with tracked changes in red.  Enjoy.

"First of all, my head is fucking pounding right now.  That's the last time I let Jim talk me into doing Jager bombs. Out of respect for the ongoing legal situation or so I understand it from that movie I was in, I cannot comment on everything that is being reported right now even though it's all true. But I do want to say I really need an aspirin pronto, I clearly had four three two one drink too many (I didn't have to take a field sobriety test, so I can say whatever) and I am deeply embarrassed about the things I said. Shit, I'm gonna be the laughing stock of late night TV next week, aren't I? Well, maybe not on Leno.  He hasn't said anything funny since 1994. It, the prospect of having my rate take a dive from $15 million per movie, was definitely a scary situation and I was frightened for my husband, but that is no excuse but I'm making one regardless. I was disrespectful to the officer who was just doing his job, with a very cute ass, I might add. I have nothing but respect for the police and their bulging biceps and I’m very sorry for my behavior.  Now please get me some aspirin and a glass of water...and maybe that cop's number."

[Photo courtesy of Atlanta Police Department]