Peace on Earth. Good will toward...Nikki Finke?

The impossible has happened.  Nikki Finke finally likes me.  After more than five years of insults, hate mail, passing my scoops along as her "Exclusives"  and general disdain, Hollywood's Princess of Darkness has seen the light and has decided she should like me after all.

I love you too baby.

A Halloween Tradition -- The Nikki Finke Mask

Halloween seems to sneak up on us every year.  Since you've been putting in an ungodly amount of hours working for your dipshit of a boss, you've probably not had much time to go costume shopping.  But thanks to your friends at the Temp Diaries, I've solved that problem for you.

Normally, I wait until October 31 to post this, but I figured most of the good parties are happening this weekend (please send any invites to tempx@tempdiaries.com).  So why not do it now?  All you need to do is print out the Nikki Finke mask below, and follow the instructions list.  Then let the hilarity ensue.  Also, if you want to make it a little more tawdry, consider going as a "slutty Nikki Finke" (although that might be considered redundant based on my own experiences with Hollywood's Dark Mistress).  If you choose that as your costume, please send me pictures.

Trick or Treat!

The 2013 Brown List

The day you hoped for/feared is here.  The 2013 Brown List is complete.  A few interesting stats:

• Total nominations topped out at just over 5,900.
• The winner of the Most-Liked executive won with 384 nominations.
• The "winner" of the Least-Liked executive garnered 830 nominations.

I will not spoil any more surprises.  So now, please enjoy the Brown List.  And if you hear any weeping noises, bring your boss a box of tissues. It's pretty clear he/she might need them.

And one last thing, Happy Boss's Day. 

The 2013 Bennies

Congrats to all the losers.  You deserve it.

Despite my best efforts, I couldn't get Neil Patrick Harris.  Actually, his agent told me he's "technically available" to do any award show (see Tony 2009, 2011-13; Emmy 2009, 2013; TV Land Awards 2009; Tannen's Magic Louis Award 2006, World Magic Awards 2008; Spike Video Game Awards 2010).  But when I mentioned I needed him to do the Bennies, the only award show recognizing the worst in television, his agent at CAA neglected to return my calls, emails, faxes, texts and smoke signals.  So I gave up and decided I'd just list the winners and forgo all the pomp, circumstance and musical numbers.  Plus, no one wants to hear those crappy songs anyway.

The Bennie Awards are the only awards that recognize the Worst in TV.  Think of The Bennies as the Razzies for the small screen.

From July 19 - August 30, the viewing public voted from a list of finalists for this most prestigious award.  After tinkering around with a spreadsheet for longer than necessary, I tabulated the results for each category:

• Worst Actress
• Worst Actor
• Worst Reality Personality (Female)
• Worst Reality Personality (Male)
• Pushing Daisies Award (honoring the best show canceled too soon)
• DOA 2013 (new show least deserving of a network pick-up)
• Worst Reality Program
• Worst Scripted Program

Voting was conducted "American Idol"-style voting, so stuffing the ballot box was completely legal.  Each winner will be honored with the Golden Trash Can featuring an embossed likeness of Ben Silverman, the King of Bad Programming and the person for whom the Bennie Awards are named.

Now without any further ado, here are the results for the 2013 Bennie Awards.  See you again next year, hopefully with a better host.


WORST ACTRESS        
WINNER: Katharine McPhee ("Smash" - NBC)
2nd: NeNe Leakes ("The New Normal" - NBC)
3rd - Kristin Kreuk ("Beauty and the Beast" - CW)
4th - Olivia Munn ("The Newsroom" - HBO)
5th - Kristen Bell ("House of Lies" - Showtime)
 
WORST ACTOR       
WINNER: Angus T. Jones ("Two and a Half Men" - CBS)
2nd - Connor Paolo ("Revenge" - ABC)
3rd - Matthew Perry ("Go On" - NBC)
4th - Sam Waterston ("The Newsroom" - HBO)
5th - David Zayas ("Dexter" - Showtime)

WORST REALITY PERSONALITY (FEMALE)        
WINNER: June Shannon ("Here Comes Honey Boo Boo" - TLC)
Mariah Carey  ("American Idol" - FOX)
Britney Spears ("The X Factor" - FOX)
Shaunie O’Neal ("Basketball Wives" - VH1)
Christina Aguilera ("The Voice" - NBC)

WORST REALITY PERSONALITY (MALE)       
WINNER: Ryan Lochte ("What Would Ryan Lochte Do?" - E!)
2nd - Donald Trump ("Celebrity Apprentice" - NBC)
3rd - Dr. Drew Pinsky ("Rehab with Dr. Drew" - VH1)
4th (tie) - Gordon Ramsey ("Hell's Kitchen" - FOX)
4th (tie) - Greg Louganis ("Splash" - ABC)

PUSHING DAISIES  (The best show canceled too soon)    
WINNER: "Happy Endings" (ABC)
2nd - "Enlightened" (HBO)
3rd - "Boss" (Starz)
4th - "Touch" (FOX)
5th - "Life’s Too Short" (HBO)

DOA 2013  (New show least deserving of a network pick-up)             
WINNER: "Dads" (FOX)
2nd - "Sean Saves the World" (NBC)
3rd (tie) "Super Fun Night" (ABC)
3rd (tie) "We Are Men" (CBS)
5th - "Tomorrow People" (CW)

WORST REALITY PROGRAM             
WINNER: "What Would Ryan Lochte Do?" (E!)
2nd - "Princesses: Long Island" (Bravo)
3rd - "Splash" (ABC)
4th - "American Idol" (FOX)
5th - "Mob Wives" (VH1)

WORST SCRIPTED PROGRAM
WINNER: "2 Broke Girls" (CBS)  
2nd - "Animal Practice" (NBC)
3rd - "1600 Penn" (NBC)
4th - "Smash" (NBC)
5th - "Arrested Development" (Netflix)

Brown List 2013 -- Call for Nominations

[NOMINATIONS ARE CLOSED AND THE RESULTS ARE UP.  SEE YOU NEXT YEAR.]

For the fifth year in a row, the Temp Diaries is surveying its readers to identify the MOST-LIKED and LEAST-LIKED entertainment executives.  Once the results are tallied, they are compiled into something I've called THE BROWN LIST.  THE BROWN LIST is designed to serve as a resource for job seekers to answer the question "Do I really want to work for [Hollywood Executive]?"

Nomination is easy.  Using the form below:

• Write in your MOST-LIKED entertainment industry executive.
• Write in your LEAST-LIKED entertainment industry executive.
• Add any comments you feel like about your nominees.
• Hit Submit.  All entries are completely anonymous. (See below for more info)

[Note: As my pirated Studio System has finally been shut down, PRETTY PLEASE include their company and title.]

THE BROWN LIST uses American Idol-style voting.  So nominate someone as many times as you want.  The deadline for nominations is October 4, 2013 at 11:59 p.m.  I will then tabulate the results and release them October 16, 2013, which by no small coincidence is Boss's Day.

Now get to voting...

Vote Temp X for Variety's "10 Assistants to Watch"

I offer so much and ask so little.  That's why I put out this post today.  Variety is compiling its list of 10 Assistants to Watch.  Needless to say, I decided I should be one of these people.  But to achieve this honor and long-overdue recognition, I need your help.  So here's the plan...

Artist's rendering

1. Below is a letter I've thoughtfully written on your behalf.  Just copy and paste it into an email and send it to Peter Caranicas (Deputy Editor, Variety) -  peter.caranicas@variety.com and BCC me at tempx@tempdiaries.com.  

Actually that's the plan.  Just one step - send Peter a letter trumpeting my importance to Hollywood.  Now, as if you needed one, there's an incentive to participate.  Should I achieve Top 10 status, I will select at random a winning voter from all who nominated me (thus the BCC part).  That winner will be rewarded for his/her efforts with a One-of-a-Kind Hollywood Temp Diaries beer stein.  You can then use this mug for whatever one might use a beer stein for.  The deadline is October 22.

I thank you in advance for your participation.  Now get to voting.  Here's the letter...

Dear Peter-

I would like to nominate Temp X from the Hollywood Temp Diaries (http://www.tempdiaries.com) for one of Variety's "10 Assistants To Watch."  I've thought long and hard about my decision and I was in no way encouraged to do so by any sort giveaway that could be perceived as "vote buying."  It would be very "Un-Hollywood" to do anything unethical or sell out.  Now as for the reasons for my nomination:

• Temp X tells it like it really is in the Hollywood trenches, which is the most comforting thing someone in my position can ask for.
• Temp X has helped many people get jobs and many more get interviews by routinely sending out job postings.  How can you dislike a guy who does that?
• Temp X compiles the Brown List of Most-Liked and Least-Liked Hollywood Executives.  The Brown List is (sadly) a more valuable document than my college diploma.
• Temp X was called a "Must-read" by Creative Screenwriting (May/June 2009) and "The definition of meaningless" by Deadline Hollywood.  Both of them are compliments and one of them must be right.
• Temp X makes me laugh with such features as Another Day in Hollywood, Ask Fake Ari Emanuel and Celebs: They're just like us except better looking and dumber.  Additionally, The Bennie Awards recognizing the Worst in Television is the best award show ever. 
• Temp X sponsored teams for the Hollywood Assistant Beer Pong Tournament.  My employer didn't even do that.
• Temp X does all of this while temping around town and making less than $20,000 a year.

For these reasons and countless more, Temp X deserves inclusion in your 10 Assistants to Watch.

Sincerely,
Me

P.S.  I'm sure he's sorry about the time he posted instructions on bypassing Variety's pay wall.  Hopefully you can look past that.

"Millionaires need Kickstarter" - a Spike Lee Joint (the countdown)

A man reportedly worth more than $40 million and who has a filmography you could only dream of needs your money.  Spike Lee (of the $30 million Manhattan mansion Lees) is attempting to finance his next project via the crowdfunding site Kickstarter.  In the first 10 days of his effort, Mr. Lee (of the courtside season tickets at the New York Knicks Lees) has raised more than one-third of his $1.25 million goal.  So it could be close as to whether Mr. Lee (of the Martha's Vineyard Estate Lees) reaches his goal by August 21, 2013.

Because I care, I've decided to post a countdown that will let you know exactly how much time you have to contribute to Mr. Lee's (of the "I won't tell you what the movie is about, but feel free to donate anyway" Lees) project.

Tic toc...

COUNTDOWN WIDGETS

And if you weren't convinced enough already to give to Mr. Lee, here he is on CNBC pleading his case earlier today.

 

When photo editors attack!!

We've all seen how movies, TV shows and advertisers Photoshop the hell out of celebs in different print campaigns.  Heck, there's even a site called Photoshop Disasters where you can see these efforts and how they go terribly wrong - from completely overhauling Megan Fox's complexion to eliminating one of Katy Perry's fingers.

But you've probably never seen is exactly what the photo editor decides needs fixing, and how awful it is.  The following comes to me courtesy of Miki Yamashita.  Miki is a lovely woman who acts, sings and has been in many a national ad campaign.  This one was for [company name redacted].

Notice the amusing ways in which they want to plump up her lips, tone down her cleavage (odd, I know) and, falling somewhere between comical and offensive, "open eyes."

So now you know.

Vote Temp X for THR's "Top 35 under 35"

The Hollywood Reporter is conducting its annual meaningless survey on the Top 35 executives under 35.  Because you love me almost as much as I love me, I have one small favor to ask of you -- nominate me.  I promise if I get selected, I will select one lucky fan to join me at the gala event as my date.  This means you can get as drunk as you want and eat as much as you want for one special evening.  And who knows, you might even meet someone important.

To make life easy, I've listed the questions and what you might want to use for the answers.  Here's the link...thr.com/nextgennoms

Now make me feel important.

Nominee Name:
Temp X

What are the nominee's accomplishments?
The Brown List (the most and least liked Hollywood executives); The Bennies (an award show recognizing the Worst in Television); Helping people find work; Surviving in Hollywood on $11/hr

Title (Nominee's Title):
Editor in Chief/Head Temp

Company (Nominee's Company):
The Hollywood Temp Diaries (http://www.tempdiaries.com)

Date of Birth (Nominee's Date of Birth):
He can play anywhere from 18-34

Category of Nomination:

• TV
• Film
• Digital (X) <------VOTE FOR ME HERE
• Agents
• Legal
• Publicity
• Management

What are the nominee's greatest strengths?
Laughing to keep from crying; Writing song parodies; Pointing out the dearth of minorities or woman used in THR's 2010 Top 35 under 35; Making fun of Ara Keshishian

Where do you see the nominee in five years?
Either running Hollywood or thrown out of it.

Bennies 2013 - Vote for TV's worst

NBC will never forget you...try as they might

[NOMINATIONS ARE OVER. STAY TUNED FOR THE RESULTS.]

It's that time of year again, your chance to vote on the Worst in TV for the fourth annual Bennie Awards.  For those unfamiliar, think of The Bennies as the Razzies for the small screen.

From July 19 - August 30, the viewing public will vote for the winners of this most prestigious award.  The Temp Diaries staff has selected the nominees in eight different categories:

• Worst Actress
• Worst Actor
• Worst Reality Personality (Female)
• Worst Reality Personality (Male)
• Pushing Daisies Award (honoring the best show canceled too soon)
• DOA 2013 (new show least deserving of a network pick-up)
• Worst Reality Program
• Worst Scripted Program

All you need to do is select your choice from the ballot below and hit "Submit." The Bennies uses American Idol-style voting, so stuffing the ballot box is completely legal. On September 19 (just days before the September 22 Emmy Awards) I will announce the winners of the Golden Trash Can in a gala online event.

The Bennies pay homage to the King of Bad Programming -- former NBC head Ben Silverman. It's also no small coincidence that "Bennies" is slang for Benzedrine (a drug I believe these Hollywood execs were on when they greenlit these shows).

Here's the form.  Now go ahead and vote.  It's your duty...and I'll guilt trip you if you don't.

Will this be CAA's response to the CAAN'T campaign launched by WME?

If so, I demand payment immediately. Or representation.

Nikki Finke's statement (the one with tracked changes)

(Courtesy: Sears Portrait Studio)

Depending on who you believe, after numerous years of incompetence and incontinence, Nikki Finke might have finally gotten the hook from Deadline.  Of course, she denies the whole thing in the non-denial denial she posted earlier today.  So one of these days, we'll find out the truth.  All we know for now is what she wrote on her site.

But as we've seen in the past with Reese Witherspoon, Brett Ratner and Kim Kardashian, every statement, no matter who they come from, have a first draft.  And Darling Nikki is no different.  Thanks to my sources, I've secured the version of this statement with tracked changes in red.  Enjoy.

Right now I am not going to discuss my Deadline Hollywood contract or my relationship with my boss Jay Penske.  Why?  Because I forgot what the terms were.  Turns out pot makes you forget things.  Who knew?!  Because I don’t have to. If that changes, I’ll tell you. (I also didn’t post about this imbecilic [word of the day.  Nailed it!] digital ad about me which my parent company ran without my knowledge in NYC’s Times Square all week during the recent TV upfronts. See below.) The fact is I’m out of town and about to begin my long-planned summer vacation.  It's just me and the cats going to Dollywood, if you must know.  And the last thing I want is to be bothered now by a bunch of media and/or moguls asking for comment.  Alright, the truth is the only people who've really asked are the guys who put out the Valpak. As it happens, I was napping just like when I slept through the Ben Silverman story.  Wait.  Maybe I shouldn't mention that in a different time zone, the Twilight Zone, when The Wrap (wait for it…play on words begins…now) crapped on me yet again Sunday night. Nothing new: the desperate, although strangely attractive, Sharon Waxman and her revolving door staff have been writing inaccurately about me for years, and doing it to drive traffic to her failing website (this feels like a run-on sentence), and refusing to correct even the most blatant errors. Last night Waxman sent a joint (Really? She's got a pot card too?) email (harshing my mellow) to my boss and myself at 6:43 PM.  She waited two whole minutes. Then she posted her story about us at 6:45 PM. That’s a rotten thing to do, not to mention bad journalism and if there's one thing I know, it's how to be a bad journalist, and she knows it. And it’s yet one more reason I call her website The Crap.  I just hope she doesn't remember that my last name is Finke.  That said, I could pick apart her so-called “shocker” line by line, but I won’t because it's all true. I’d much rather spend my remaining pre-vacation time writing up some great scoops to post this week except for anything bad about Paramount. They're fantastic!  Instead, I’ll simply correct one point from her article to illustrate what a bad reporter Waxman is [insert line about me not being fired, if that's true.  Check with Penske.].

I am stating for the record or, because I'm so old, the 8-track, that there is no truth to her claim that “the most recent conflict between Penske and Finke involved an email that Finke sent to two partners at UTA in the wake of losing a scoop, according to an individual with knowledge of the exchange. The scoop in question was a story in TheWrap about the talent agency seeking an equity investor. In an email to, among others, CEO Jeremy Zimmer, Finke threatened to “f—” the agency, according to the individual. The email was sent to Penske.”

That email doesn’t exist. I repeat, it doesn’t exist because I deleted it from my "Sent" folder.  Thus, it doesn't exist.  Right?. True, I’ve occasionally lost my temper and sent nasty emails to Hollywood.  I blame my Tourette's, even for my typing. And not once has Jay Penske ever complained to me about them. (He knows I’m a bitch. That’s why he bought me hook, line and sinker.) But I never sent the email described above.  That came from my evil twin, Mikki Finke. She'll be revealed in the new season of "Tilda"…coming soon to YouTube.  Here’s the entire email exchange between Deadline Hollywood and UTA that day.  I've deleted the part where I added my grocery list…for obvious reasons.  In fact, my colleague Mike Fleming (who last night penned or in modern parlance, typed and posted A Personal Note On Nikki Finke without my knowledge) was first to email UTA about the investment story. Only then did I get involved.  Mike is a bit of a douche…just don't tell him I said that.  He's very sensitive.  Please note my use of the word “please,” I learned at the feet of Emily Post, and no use of the word “f—”. As it happens, I didn’t write the UTA story that day because I got too busy running the site (I'm learning HTML at LACC) and also knew I needed to cool down and all the ditch weed in the world wasn't gonna fix that.

When "Grumpy Cat: The Movie" just isn't enough

Hollywood is at it again. This time Internet meme Grumpy Cat appears to be on the cusp of getting a movie deal.  This is not a joke.  Hollywood execs are that lazy and/or stupid when it comes to film making that the best they can come up with is a retread of Garfield, which is essentially Eeyore from  Winnie the Pooh.

Anyway, as long as nincompoop studios are lining up for animal movies, I have a few of my own I'd like to recommend.  Of course, if any of these get greenlit, I want upfront fees and points on the back end.

Chicken Car - The crazy antics of a crime-fighting poultrymobile.
Think Knight Rider with beaks.

Goldfish - A murder mystery in which Hercule Poirot must figure out which
identical twin fish killed and ate his crispy, cheddar-flavored brother.

 

Mexican Dog - No logline needed

To the Ladies and Gentlemen of the Class of 2013.....

I was recently asked to give the commencement address to the 2013 graduates of Chapman University.  I guess I could say I was pleased, but I would have much rather watched the Memphis/San Antonio game.  In the process of writing this speech, I realized Hollywood execs are smarter than first thought.  Turns out it's much easier to remake something than it is to start from scratch.  

Following is a transcript of that address... 

Ladies and Gentlemen of the Class of 2013:

Sunscreen sucks.

If I could offer you only one tip for your future in Hollywood, skip the sunscreen. The short-term perks of a tan -- the healthy glow, tantalizing bikini lines -- have been proven time and again. The rest of my advice has no basis more reliable than my own meandering experience. I will dispense this nonsense now.

Sleep around.

It's fun. Everyone in Hollywood is good looking. When poolside at the Roosevelt, tell the model wannabe next to you that you're a producer on CSI: Miami. Then see what happens. Bottle service helps.

Vomit.

There's no better way to keep your body in shape than doing abdominal crunches while talking on the Porcelain telephone.

Be jealous.

This town is full of people who get things they don't deserve. Some day, that person might be you. And then you can look down on the masses and mock them.

Keep your old bank statements. Throw away your love letters. Only one of these is beneficial in divorce court.

Smoke cigarettes.

Parliament Lights. Marlboro Lights. Camel Lights. Any of them act as a fantastic appetite suppressant. Smoking makes you cool and it looks great on film. But don't smoke pot because it'll make you hungry.

Plagiarize.

Just tell everyone that your script is an homage to Chayefsky's Network, not a scene by-scene redo. (But hire a good lawyer just in case.)

Buy knee pads.

Maybe you'll marry, maybe you won't. Maybe you'll have an affair with the boss and get promoted. Maybe you'll accidentally get knocked up and have to have an abortion which your boss will put on his corporate AmEx and make you file the expense report. Maybe he'll go back to his wife because he can't afford a divorce in a communal property state especially in this economy.

Love is a relative term.

Whatever you do, don't ever stop self promotion. The key to success in Hollywood is convincing others of how great you are, even if it's not true.

Enhance your body.

If you see something sagging, bagging or dragging, it's best to nip it, tuck it and suck it. If God didn't want you to get plastic surgery, he wouldn't have invented Dr. 90210.

Lap Dance.

Because it pays more than temping and you'll meet more Hollywood executives that way.

Read the directions.

Because your boss's iPhone won't program itself.

Read fashion magazines. Inner beauty is for ugly people.

Get to know your parents. Because once you become a big Hollywood star, you'll blow them off in favor of partying at the Playboy mansion.

Be nice to your siblings. They've got dirt on you that they'll happily to sell to the National Enquirer if you screw them over.

Understand that Hollywood friends come and go because if they can't do anything for you, they're not worth your time. Plus it takes way too long to get from Santa Monica to Los Feliz.

Live in Hollywood once, but leave before you get stupid. Live in Burbank once, but leave before you get bored.

Drink heavily.

Accept certain inalienable truths. Reality programs are here to stay. Movie studio execs are mostly lazy. And when you do, you'll fantasize that when you were young, TV shows had scripts and some movies weren't remakes.

Suck up.

Nothing will get you further in Hollywood than kissing ass. Differentiate yourself by ass kissing in different ways such as the Spider-man Kiss ("You produced Spider-man 3? I love when Mary Jane sings!") and the French Canadian Kiss (It's like a regular kiss, but without union difficulties and with a better exchange rate.)

Find someone to support you. Maybe they have a trust fund. Maybe...oh it's probably a trust fund. But hold on with a vice grip because it's easier than working.

Use hair extensions because they look completely natural. Make sure you use a nice epoxy when installing them.

Advice is a way to helping others. Don't offer it. Dispense "recommendations" that won't work, because you don't want someone younger and with a higher, firmer butt passing you on the final lap.

But trust me on the sunscreen.

Upfront, but already behind -- The CW

The CW...in better days

To absolutely no fanfare, The CW held their Upfronts yesterday.  At a potluck event, the sixth network (don't sleep on Univision) announced new shows featuring teen vampires or teen gnomes or teen winged unicorns or whatever the fuck they are.  The truth is no matter what they shove on to this network, it'll never draw less than a 1.5 and never more than a 1.9.  So that's nice.

Anyway, over the course of the 2013-14 season, The CW is adding six new programs - five dramas and one reality show.  As we all know, some of their new offerings might suffer an untimely demise at some point during the upcoming TV season.  And it's your task to predict which ones they will be.

Take a few minutes and make your guesses in the poll below.  I've decided I'll post the results next week.  So stay tuned.  And thanks for playing.

Upfront, but already behind -- CBS

Mrs. CBS

Like it matters at this point.  We already know that CBS is going to win the ratings war for next season.  But in fairness to all the other networks, let's go through this exercise anyway.

Over the course of the 2013-14 season, CBS is adding five new programs - four comedies and one drama.  As we all know, some of their new shows might suffer an untimely demise at some point during the upcoming TV season (not taint the results, but I'm guessing it'll be a comedy).  And it's your task to predict which ones they will be.

Take a few minutes and make your guesses in the poll below.  I'll keep you posted on the results.  Under protest, I'll put one together for The CW tomorrow.  But the truth is, they should just cancel the network.

Upfront, but already behind -- ABC

Tru dat

It's the midway point of Upfronts week, and aren't we having fun?*  Today we're focused on ABC, the network that brings us such Peabody-award winning programs as Wipeout and The Bachelorette.  But this isn't about what's already littering the airways, it's what's coming to litter them soon.

Over the course of the 2013-14 season, ABC is adding eight new programs.  Luckily none of them involve "celebrity" diving competitions (looks like Splash might just be a one and done. #TeamNicole).  As we all know, some of their new shows might suffer an untimely demise at some point during the upcoming TV season.  And it's your task to predict which ones they will be.

Take a few minutes and make your guesses in the poll below.  I'll keep you posted on the results.  And check back tomorrow for the next network, CBS.

*I don't count The CW as your average infomercial draws better ratings than this network.

Upfront, but already behind -- FOX

No caption needed

It seems like just yesterday, FOX could do no wrong with their programming.  They were riding high on the strength of American Idol and...well... whatever other shows they had.  But Idol ratings are hitting the skids and it appears that all four judges will soon be hitting the road.  So now FOX needs to figure out ways to bump up ratings without the solution being, "Add more karaoke shows."

Over the course of the 2013-14 season, FOX is adding six new programs.  And just like NBC (well, maybe not that bad) some of their new shows might suffer an untimely demise at some point during the upcoming TV season.  And it's your task to predict which ones they will be.

Take a few minutes and make your guesses in the poll below.  I'll keep you posted on the results.  And check back tomorrow for the next network, ABC.

Upfront, but already behind -- NBC

Our ratings have to be
around here somewhere

Happy Upfronts Week!!  It's like Christmas for people who have nothing better to do.

For those unfamiliar, Upfronts is the time when network execs announce their new shows and overall schedule for the upcoming season while sucking up to ad agencies to get them to advertise on said shows.  The ad agencies, in turn, kiss their clients' asses while begging for them to pay millions for these advertisements.  Those clients then try to confuse you, the American public, into buying all the crap they're selling, thus justifying the millions they just blew.  So really, this week is all about you.  Congrats.

As we all know, a large chunk of these new programs won't survive the season.  In some cases, it's because they aren't any good.  In other cases, the show suffered from timeslot woes, rotten marketing or just bad luck.  Over the course of this week, we're gonna predict just which of these shows will suffer an untimely death at some point during the 2013-14 season.

As NBC announced their new shows on Sunday, we're going to start with them.  So take a few minutes and make your guesses in the poll below.  I'll keep you posted on the results.  And check back tomorrow for the next network, FOX.

Enjoy!

Don't get mad, get even

Think you're getting taken advantage of in your internship? Here's your chance to get even.  ProPublica is doing an investigation into it.  Here's the link.

http://www.propublica.org/getinvolved/item/worked-an-internship-in-2013-tell-us-about-it

Maybe we can change the world just a little bit. If not, at least we tried.

Happy Third Anniversary to Nikki Finke and the Unfinished Chipmunks article

It's been three magical years since Darling Nikki wrote her famed headline but no article.  Is the suspense killing you as much as it's killing me?  Check it out for yourself.  

Reese Witherspoon's statement (the one with tracked changes)

As we all know by now, Reese Witherspoon and her husband, CAA agent Jim Toth were arrested in Atlanta over the weekend for having a little too much fun.  Toth, who was reportedly driving a 2013 Ford Fusion (insert your own joke here) blew a .139 on the breathalyzer.  Witherspoon, well the Legally Blonde star got hit with a disorderly conduct charge after berating the arresting officer and not paying attention to his commands.  According to Variety, Witherspoon yelled at the arresting officer, saying, "Do you know my name?" and "You’re about to find out who I am."

Well, when she sobered up, Witherspoon decided to put out a statement.  But there's no doubt that this collection of words her publicist put together  she thought of on her own, was preceded by many earlier drafts.  Thanks to my sources, I've secured the version of this statement with tracked changes in red.  Enjoy.

"First of all, my head is fucking pounding right now.  That's the last time I let Jim talk me into doing Jager bombs. Out of respect for the ongoing legal situation or so I understand it from that movie I was in, I cannot comment on everything that is being reported right now even though it's all true. But I do want to say I really need an aspirin pronto, I clearly had four three two one drink too many (I didn't have to take a field sobriety test, so I can say whatever) and I am deeply embarrassed about the things I said. Shit, I'm gonna be the laughing stock of late night TV next week, aren't I? Well, maybe not on Leno.  He hasn't said anything funny since 1994. It, the prospect of having my rate take a dive from $15 million per movie, was definitely a scary situation and I was frightened for my husband, but that is no excuse but I'm making one regardless. I was disrespectful to the officer who was just doing his job, with a very cute ass, I might add. I have nothing but respect for the police and their bulging biceps and I’m very sorry for my behavior.  Now please get me some aspirin and a glass of water...and maybe that cop's number."

[Photo courtesy of Atlanta Police Department]

Kristen Bell needs $2 million. (No she doesn't)

Fan boys and fan girls alike are abuzz with the prospect of a Veronica Mars movie.  The former UPN Nancy Drew ripoff teen private investigator show starring Kristen Bell looks to finally be making its way to the big screen.  But as with everything in Hollywood, there's a catch.  Ms. Bell and VM creator Rob Thomas (who I once sucked up to mercilessly) apparently aren't getting any love from Warner Bros (the studio behind the show) about the project.  So instead, they've decided to panhandle the public for the $2 million the project apparently requires with a Kickstarter campaign. 

But before you donate your hard-earned cash to Bell and Thomas, I ask you this...

Nikki Finke is dumb (Volume 26)

I've been absent from the blogosphere for a while because, well, no one pays me to be here.  But something happened this morning that brought me back for at least a day.

I was lost on the Internet and came across, of all awful sites, Deadline.  So I took a moment to indulge my self-loathing and decided to see what was going on in the entertainment world.  Then I came across "Nikki Finke's Mind-Numbingly Stupid Survey Question of the Day®"

Now I get that the journalism is a competitive industry and everyone is trying to out-scoop everyone else.  But the trick here is that Deadline and Variety happen to be owned by the same dude - Jay Penske.  So a surefire way to piss off the man who is writing the checks is to say his newest investment is doomed to failure.

But when has Darling Nikki ever done anything that makes a bit of sense. 

FOUND: Nikki Finke's secret lair

Turns out the old bird's live/work loft is a portable storage unit plunked down in a gas station parking lot at Fairfax & Melrose.  Seems about right.

The Golden Blogs

Sorry I'm late.  I couldn't find a parking spot.  Who knew that it would be tough to find a spot at Sunset and Crescent Heights on Sunday night.  I'm dumb.  But that's why I can't can't find a decent job in this town.  But let's go on to the award show.

Apparently I missed the opening monologue of the Golden Globes.  So let's just assume that Ricky Gervais said something that was slightly uncomfortable for the attendees.  Lucky for them, they'll be so sloshed by the end of the show, the only person who will remember will be the guy running the teleprompter.

Wait.  It appears that Tina Fey and Amy Poehler are hosting.  Feh.  Who cares.  Women can't be funny, or at least that's what I learned from Jerry Lewis.

So Christoph (or is it Kristof, Qristopf?) Waltz won for something.  I'm told now it was Django Unchained.  I'd like to say one thing about that movie - the fact that they didn't play the Van Halen hit "Unchained"in it was a major oversight.

As for the next category (I'm slowly catching up, give me a moment), one of the women from Downton Abbey won. But the big news around the Golden Globe party was how orange Sofia Vergara looked.  This prompted one of the attendees to say that she looked like a tangerine.  I'm also not drunk yet.  This is starting to annoy me.

On to the next award.  Showing that "Development Hell" really does blow the timing of things in Hollywood, it only took four years for a movie about the 2008 election to win a 2012 Golden Globe.  And as I seem to recall, one of the winners blew smoke up the ass thanked the "bravery" of HBO for greenlighting the project.  Want to be really brave? Greenlight my blog to a TV show.  Until then, I'll just think of you as a bunch of pussies admirable executives who just need a little persuading.

Does anyone know who won the Pats/Houton came?  When I left New England was up by 14 or so.  I can't wait for the riveting post-game interview with Belichick.

I'm pretty sure I missed an award, but I was too busy gazing longingly at Gwegriu Iierughweiug von Ghaowrihgwr from the Hollywood Foreign Press.  "Baby, call me."

And proving that Hollywood actors are nothing more than empty vessels who can't think on their own, Paul Rudd and Mrs. François-Henri Pinault were unable to function without the Teleprompter running.  The echo in the room was audible.  That's two Teleprompter references already.  Maybe I am getting buzzed?

If Twitter is correct, producers of Homeland just spoiled their own series.  Even the smart people in Hollywood are stupid.

I really wish these commercial breaks were longer because I don't have nearly enough time to fix a drink, pee and get food.

For a CIA operative, this guy sure ain't smart enough to use a microphone.

Jason Statham is either really short or Jennifer Lopez is...no, Statham is short.  And now I'm caught up.

Given the amount of time it took him to get to stage, I'm pretty certain that the guy who won for "Best Original Score" was seated in the Starbucks across the street from the Beverly Hilton.

And now for the fashion recap of the evening.  "I like Jennifer Lopez's dress," this according to a certain DGA nominee.

Oh, here's my prediction for the evening: Adele wins.

Fucking nailed it.  Now the DGA nominee asks whether Adele is pregnant.  This is met by a chorus of shrieks from everyone else who knows (I didn't) that she already had her child.  I'm convinced the baby is lodged in the bun on top of her head.

Oh pinch me.  A new season of Smash is just around the corner.  I can barely wait.  And by barely wait, I mean I forgot that it didn't get cancelled.

There's a lot of criticism of Jessica Alba's boobs.  Based on how many times he's looking at them, Kiefer Sutherland doesn't seem to mind.

Kevin Costner is as exciting as uzzzzzzzual.

The entire room just had an orgasm.  Clinton walked out.  Actually, one of the people at this party started crying.  But it wasn't me.  I'm just biting my lip.  What's Gennifer Flowers up to these days?

In the event you're wonder whether Amy Poehler is back on the market after breaking up with Will Arnett, the plunging neckline says "Yes.  And I'm ready for some lovin'."

Patriots won 41-28.  Gary Kubiak is gonna get fired.

I kinda zoned out during the Will Ferrell and Kristen Wiig routine.  Honestly I was looking up the score of the Northwestern/Iowa game.  NU lost 70-50.  We suck.

"You get out."  If only I knew what that meant.

"I beat Meryl!" Well, guess what Jen?  Madam Streep is gonna beat your ass like a rented mule after the show is over.  Better hope that bow and arrow still works.

Magic City got nominated?  What a terrible idea.  The only thing about that show that's worth anything is the nudity.  There, I said it.

Jonah Hill realized that people people liked him fat better.  He's rounding his way back into shape.  In unrelated news, it turns out that Megan Fox can read.  I guess I owe someone $20.

Anne Hathaway: Boxers, briefs or commando?  Just wondering.

How much Sofia Vegara is too much Sofia Vergara?  I'm pretty sure I've reached the point of saturation.

Tarantino just won.  Suck on that Spike Lee.  Or whatever.  I don't really care one way or the other.  The prevailing theory in the room is that Q is just slightly drunk.  Matt LeBlanc has no idea what's happening.  That's nothing new.

Terrance Howard just won for House of Lies.  I'm not sure why.  The show stinks.  And yes.  I watched the entire first season..sober.  It didn't help.

Happy Toyotathon everyone.  I'm sorry if I forgot to wish you that earlier.

The Expendibles just announced something.  As neither of them have a command of the English language, I'll just wait for someone to take the stage and explain what happened...Oh fuck. He has an accent too.  Time for a cocktail.

Lea Michele wins the award for "Orangest Person of the Evening."

Quote of the evening, "Yeah Target!"  I have no idea why.  Athough that reminds me that I'm running out of Q-Tips.   I guess advertising does work. 
 
The entire room is reading their phones right now.  Technology makes us so anti-social.  Luckily, I had a head start on that.  I hated everyone long before the iPhone came out.

It would have been a lot more entertaining if the guy from Disney/Pixar who accept for Brave said "Holy Shit!" instead of "Holy cow!"  I'm just saying.

Justine Bateman has really let herself go.  On the plus side, she's strong enough to carry one of the waitstaff from the Beverly Hilton.  I wonder what Tina Yothers is up to these days.

I can walk in high heels better than Lena Dunham.

Maybe I'm drunk, or maybe Robert Downey Jr. is on coke, but I have no idea what's happening.  On the plus side, the routine was more entertaining The Beaver.

"She's fucked up," says a DGA nominee of Jodie Foster.  I can't say I disagree.

If I wasn't drunk, I'd swear that Jodie Foster was finally coming out.  But NBC bleeped out the entire fucking thing.  So let's just assume she said she's actually Dustin Hoffman from Tootsie.  In related news, Mel Gibson seemed terribly confused.  But that's not a huge surprise.

Ben Affleck and his variable hairline won.  So that's something.  Note he didn't thank Matt Damon.  The bromance is over.

It would have been funnier if they'd cut to Josh Brolin if he'd been drunk and passed out on the floor.  Who produced this thing?

Jay Leno is still a dick.  A big-chinned, no-talent dick.  Ok, maybe I'm getting drunk now.  Only 37 minutes to go.  And then...the post-award wrap up.  Just kidding.  I'm going to pass out.

For some reason, these Sofia Vergara ads have me craving milk instead of Diet Pepsi (thanks Gary).

Can anyone explain to me, and I'm serious about this, why Comedy and Musical are in the same category?  I think the Hollywood Foreign Press doesn't quite understand the difference between the two.  Fuzzy foreigners.

I wonder how much Tina Fey and Amy Poehler got for "hosting" the Golden Globes?

Chris Tucker is still in the entertainment industry?

For starrring in a movie about miserable people, Anne Hathaway and Hugh Jackman are awfully happy.  In unrelated news, only 17 minutes to go.  Will I be able to suck down two more beers before the evening ends?  Don't bet against me.

We get it Amy Poehler.  You have new boobs and like to show Will Arnett what he can't have any more.

Daniel Day Lewis is boring.  And nothing could be a more appropriate conclusion to the Golden Globes.  In related news, he looks like Morissey.

Oh crap.  One more award.  The remake of Fargo won.

I'm done.  Slightly drunk.  Also I gotta pee.  Hope you enjoyed reading this more than I enjoyed writing it.  See you in a month for the Academy Awards when I will rip everyone a new asshole I will heap insincere praise on Hollywood royalty.

And don't forget to tune in this weekend for my frequent updates from the useless exercise that is Sundance.