Coming soon to a theater near you?

Eddie Murphy = Funny?

Hollywood is so risk averse that they've - and this is not a joke - decided to make sequel to the 1988 Danny DeVito/Arnold Schwarzenegger film Twins and call it Triplets.  The execs at Universal, who have clearly lost their collective minds, are adding Eddie Murphy as the long-lost brother to a movie that will win the 2014 Razzies for Worst Film, Worst Actor (tie between Murphy and Schwarzenegger) and Worst Screenplay.  Kelly Preston is a little long in the tooth to come back as Marnie Mason.  So the Worst Actress nominee, but not winner, will go to Olivia Munn for her role as Laura Lau, the love interest.

So it the spirit of needless sequels, the folks at the Hollywood Temp Diaries have put together a list of other brainless films we'd like to see.  [Note: If any of these get made, I want 10 percent of the gross.]

$74.99 on eBay

Titanic Two: A chip off the old block - Seventeen years after the fabled boat sinks, Rose is happily married with two children living in a remote town in Northern Idaho.  Things get confusing when a lobster fisherman outside of Winter Harbor, Maine comes across a giant block of ice which contains the cryogenically frozen body of Jack Dawson.  When they thaw him out, it becomes an international sensation.  When the news ultimately reaches Rose, it becomes love triangle she never expected.  Meanwhile Cal Hockley tracks down Jack because he needs Le Cœur de la Mer to cover his stock market losses.  Cal is convinced that Jack can lead him to Rose and, ultimately, the the priceless diamond. 

I'm on the phone

Dr. Strangelover or: How come only one of us has a uterus? - The bombs went off all over everywhere thanks to a busted radio and an overeager Major Kong.  But in an ultimate bit of irony, the only people who were saved from the nuclear holocaust were the people in the war room and Miss Scott, who was en route to see General Turgidson when the bombing began.  The sequel focuses on the challenges of starting a new society with only one woman in a room full of aesthetically, intellectually and emotionally repulsive men.

Skeet surfing?

Surf and Fight: Apocalypse Now Re-Redux - Lieutenant Colonel Bill Kilgore is still pissed that Captain Willard stole his surfboard, so he follows him up river.  Meanwhile, Willard realizes that it's not such a bad thing being seen "a God," and he takes over for Kurtz.  The film ends with Kilgore and Willard battling it out for long-board superiority and control of the village 75 klicks above the Do Lung Bridge.  Kelly Slater guest stars.