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| The future of cinema |
Now for those too young to know or too smart to care, the Garbage Pail Kids were a series of trading cards essentially done as parody of the Cabbage Patch Kids. And for those of you too young to know what trading cards are or too smart to care, you should probably stop reading now.
But anyway, the company run by former Disney head Michael Eisner has decided that it's about time the Garbage Pail Kids get reintroduced to a new generation of people who will inevitably find them gross and boring. And now you know why Eisner was kicked out of Disney in 2005 and the stock is up nearly 50 percent since then (vs. the DJIA which is up just more than 20 percent).
When things like this have happened before, I've chosen to write what I believe these terrible ideas might look like. I cite my interpretation of View-master: The Movie as well as how Charlie Sheen should have been killed off on Two and a Half Men. But I've decided to do something different this time around.
So may I present to you my best guess of the phone call from ICM agent Pete Stone as he successfully convinces his client Michael Vukadinovich to write the future piece of crap film The Garbage Pail Kids.
INT. INTERNATIONAL CREATIVE MANAGEMENT
PETE STONE
Liz.
No response from his assistant. She's quietly wiping away tears of defeat from her cheek. Or perhaps it's just allergies.
STONE
LIZ!!!
LIZ
Yes. Sorry. I was just making your lunch rezzies. You're all set for Bouchon. What do you need?
STONE
Get me Vukadinovich.
Liz dials the phone because Stone is too lazy to or simply incapable of doing so. The line rings three times before Michael Vukadinovich answers.
INT. THE BOURGEOIS PIG COFFEE SHOP ON FRANKLIN
MICHAEL VUKADINOVICH
Hello?
(Intercut as necessary)
LIZ
I have Pete Stone for you.
VUKADINOVICH
Great. Put him through.
LIZ
He's holding...
Stone picks up the phone.
STONE
Vuk! What's up my man?!
VUKADINOVICH
Oh you know. The glamorous life of a writer. Bouncing from one coffee shop to the next hoping that one of them will inspire me. That's not working out so great. But the good news is I did just finish the Mooncake Festival level on Angry Birds. Fuckin' A that's hard.
STONE
Dude. You're still only on that. You're fucking old school. I just got past Wreck the Halls. I missed the staff meeting because of it, but fuck it. So I've got good news too. Looks like I've got your next project.
VUKADINOVICH
Go on.
STONE
It's a feature...
VUKADINOVICH
Excellent!
STONE
With Michael Eisner attached to produce...
VUKADINOVICH
Fuck me! I could kiss you. What is it? Something classic. An epic tale of love, loss and redemption? Or perhaps a biopic? I've been thinking that Benjamin Franklin is long overdue for one. Did you know that he was instrumental in creating the first hospital in the United States? And he had a lot of sex.
Fuck me! I could kiss you. What is it? Something classic. An epic tale of love, loss and redemption? Or perhaps a biopic? I've been thinking that Benjamin Franklin is long overdue for one. Did you know that he was instrumental in creating the first hospital in the United States? And he had a lot of sex.
STONE
Well, it's not really that. But there's a lot of potential for this. It has a sizable fan base...
VUKADINOVICH
Ok. Ok. Keep going.
STONE
It could easily become a sequel...
VUKADINOVICH
Alright. Good. Job security if I deliver the first time around.
STONE
There's lots of merchandising opportunities...
VUKADINOVICH
Do I get back end on that?
STONE
I'll see what I can do.
VUKADINOVICH
Ok. Well, what is it? Wait. Let me first have a sizable sip of this $6.50 latte before it gets cold.
Vukadinovich is in the middle of a hearty draw from his coffee cup when Stone breaks the news.
STONE
Have you heard of The Garbage Pail Kids?
Vukadinovich spews his overpriced beverage all over his computer, his notes and the pert, young actress at the table over. It even shoots out his nose. It burns hotter than 1,000 suns inside his proboscis. He swipes at his face hoping the pain will subside. It doesn't until he grabs his glass of water and starts splashing it on his face. Vukadinovich has since dropped his cell phone to the floor and we hear Stone's voice through the device.
STONE
Vuk. Vuk!
Vukadinovich wipes his face on his sleeve. Now he can see just clearly enough to realize that the entire cafe is staring at him. He picks up the phone and continues, but not quite in the joyous mood he was before.
VUKADINOVICH
(in a loud, angry whisper)
Seriously? Garbage Pail Kids? What the fuck?! I won the Samuel Goldwyn Screenwriting Award. Seriously? Garbage Mother Fucking Pail Kids?
STONE
There's a lot of potential for this project. Seriously.
VUKADINOVICH
Any potential it had came and went during the second Reagan administration! No way. No fucking way! Has Eisner lost his fucking mind?!
STONE
Perhaps. But he's willing to pay you...
VUKADINOVICH
Wait. Before you tell me how much, let me just have a sip of what's remaining of my $6.50 latte.
As Vukadinovich
takes another sizable sip of his coffee it becomes obvious that Stone is unwilling to wait to break the news. He repeats the spit. All over everything. His computer, the actress. Out the nose. Everything. The phone drops to the floor.
BARRISTA
(to Vukadinovich)
Sir. I'm afraid I'm going to have to ask you to leave.
STONE
Vuk. Vuk!
STONE
Vuk. Vuk!
THE END
2 comments:
Damn, they must be paying him bank to do this...
Three Misfortunes of Geppetto was one of my favorite scripts last year. Was hoping his next project would be something worth seeing.
When I first heard of the re do I tnought "maybe I should give the first on another chance".
This could work if its lean, gritty, and cheap. If it looks to clean then its boring. He could jazz up a few different avenues but will he. The merits of this film will come down to writing as oppose to the muppets which is editing.
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