[THIS WAS ORIGINALLY POSTED FEB. 19, 2009. NOTHING HAS CHANGED, SO I'M REPOSTING FOR ANYONE STILL LOOKING FOR LAST MINUTE ADVICE]
The Oscars are only a couple hours away. And if I know celebrities, they're busy preening, schvitzing and vomiting their way to beauty for the big night. This leaves them little time to concentrate on what's most important, writing an acceptance speech. (It doesn't help that most of them have the intellectual capacity of a newt.)
But your friends at the Hollywood Temp Diaries are here to help. In the spirit of previous Madlibs like the Journal Entry Madlib and the How to Pitch a Show Madlib, I offer the Oscar Acceptance Speech Madlib. Just fill in the appropriate blanks and you're ready to go.
Good luck. Now go shoehorn yourself into your outfit and wait for your limo...
"Oh my (Deity or Oprah)! Oh my (same Deity or Oprah)! This is so unexpected.
[Stage Direction: Hold for applause. Fight back tears.]
I'd like to (verb) the Academy for this most beautiful award. Also (verb) you to my agent (CAA agent) and Kevin Huvane. My manager and the people at Untitled Entertainment (do not be confused by this. It's actually the name of the company). And my attorney (Jewish-sounding name). (Verb) you. (Verb) all of you.
When I started acting as a young (your gender), I did it for the love of the craft. Here I am (number less than 20, even if you're Mickey Rourke) years later, winning an Oscar for an outstanding film (Your movie. If you can't remember the title, immediately return to rehab). This is a (noun for something you do in your sleep) come true.
[Stage Direction: Take yourself to a sad, sad place. Commence crocodile tears.]
To my fellow nominees (check Oscars.com for list of your competitors) each one of you is equally (noun indicating merit) of this. I would share it with you I could.
To the producers (just say Brian Grazer), my outstanding co-star (the person you slept with while making this movie), the director (the person you slept with to get the role). Thank you. It was an absolute (adjective describing fun, but in a non-sexual way) working with all of you.
For your unending love and support, I'd like to thank (the first five names from page 243 of the phonebook. No one pays attention to non-industry related folks. You could say "Colonel Sanders" and no one would know.) You mean the world to me.
[Stage Direction: At this point the orchestra will start playing. Ignore it and proceed.]
I like you (Conductor not named Henry Mancini. He's dead.) You're a good guy, but this moment may never happen again! I have more people to thank.
My rock of three and a half years (the person sitting next to you. Yes, the one you're married to). I love you so much. You (verb) me every day. And I can't thank you enough.
And most of all I'd like to thank my assistant (Assistant's name, or as close as you can remember). This person is as deserving as I am, in fact, when I'd like to announce publicly I'm giving (same assistant, or as close as you can remember) a $250,000 raise.
Believe it. Turns out the results of The Bennies have hit the airwaves. During yesterday's broadcast of the "Mark & Brian" radio show from KLOS-FM, they dedicated nearly six minutes to talking about the Worst in TV awards.
So here's the broadcast and I've included some of my own musings.
Live from a crappy apartment near the Kodak
Theater in Hollywood, it's the third annual Bennie Awards. Tonight's
the night we honor television's worst from 2011 by bestowing the famed Golden
Trashcan. So sit back, relax, throw down a sizable cocktail and enjoy
this star-studded affair. And now, because Brett Ratner's an idiot, your host Eddie Murphy.
Thank
you. It's great to be here at the...wait...where the fuck am I? What's a Bennie? You mean there's a TV version of the Razzies I won for Pluto Nash, I Spy, Imagine That, Meet Dave, Showtime, Norbit and Harlem Nights? Who knew?
Well, I should probably do some jokes and earn my pay for MCing this thing. So let's start with a classic. A family goes into a see a talent agent. They do a bunch of crazy shit and then say "The Aristocrats." See, I've still got it. Let's jump right in and introduce our first presenter. He's best known for jumping right into a marriage everyone knew would fail...Kris Humphries.
Grunt grunt grunt me no dumb like people talk. Grunt grunt grunt bad TV acting she person. Grunt grunt grunt list: Beth Behrs (2 Broke Girls), Blake Lively (Gossip Girl), Madeleine Stowe (Revenge), Rachel Bilson (Hart of Dixie) and grunt Whitney Cummings (Whitney). Grunt grunt baddest bad TV acting she person...Kris no understand envelope, use teeth to open...grunt Whitney Cummings. Me like porn.
Wow. I haven't seen such an impressive delivery of pre-scripted material since The Situation bombed at the Donald Trump roast. I'd like to thank everyone who taught me how to act. I will now name them all...awkward pause and continue...Thank you and good night. Hey, can we get maintenance out here? Captain Caveman left a puddle of drool on the floor.
What a way to start the night - two people I've never heard of sharing a moment I completely ignored! It was as much fun as The Haunted Mansion. Because I'm not really getting paid enough to write a decent segue, you may know our next presenter from flipping you the bird at the Super Bowl halftime show, M.I.A.
I just wanted to extend my deepest apologies to anyone who might have been offended by me giving them the finger. As one of TIME magazine's 100 Most Influential People of 2009, I should probably set a better example for all the children out there. So kids, next time you want to make a statement in front of 100 million TV viewers, don't shoot the bird. Instead you should just tell them to suck your [CENSORED] and then [CENSORED] your [CENSORED]. And if you're really feeling randy, perform [SEXUAL ACT THAT IS CONSIDERED ILLEGAL IN EVERY STATE EXCEPT ARKANSAS AND KENTUCKY]. I'm guessing the NBC censors caught most of this, eh?
And the nominees for Worst Male Actor are: Ashton Kutcher (Two and a Half Men), David Caruso (CSI: Miami), David Spade (Rules of Engagement), Jonah Hill (Allen Gregory) and Kevin Dillon (How to be a Gentleman). And the winner is...Ashton Kutcher.
Because I only know Twitterspeak, here's my acceptance speech in exactly 140 characters: "Thx 2 C. Sheen b/c w/o U, I'd nvr work on 2AAHM. & thx to C. Lorre 4 cr8ing da sho. U & CBS rock! <3 to S. Leal. xoxo. ttfn. aplusk. RT plz."
WTF?! Our next presenter is less than two months old, but she's already
worth more than you can ever hope to be. Put your hands together for the spawn of Jay-Z
and Beyonce, Blue Ivy™.
To be honest, this award
show really makes me want to spit up. I feel like I deserve to be
presenting at something way more important than The Bennies. But child
labor laws have a strict policy against 45-day old kids staying up
past nap time. Time to talk to daddy about getting a better agent.
Anyway, the nominees for Worst Female Reality Personality are: Audrina Patridge (Audrina), Brooke Burke (Dancing with the Stars), Kim Kardashian (Keeping up with the Kardashians), Nicole Scherzinger (The X Factor) and Snooki (Jersey Shore). And The Bennie goes to...wait, I just made choo-choos in my diaper...Kim Kardashian!
What
an honor! This award means the world to me. I've worked so hard on my
career, from the moment Ray J peed on me, to my ill-fated musical
endeavors and on through my 72-day sham of a marriage, I've never
stopped trying to do my best. And The Bennie is the recognition I so
richly deserve. Thank you. Oh, and Paris Hilton, you can kiss my
over-sized Armenian ass.
Hey Kimmie baby. Don't go away so fast. Sure, you ain't my favorite tranny prostitute Shalomar, but I'll still give you a lift home. You won't be the first hooker I've helped out. Kimmie...?
Well shit. You know what will really get this party started, a musical number. And if there's anyone who knows how to carry a tune, it's me - Eddie Murphy. So let's get this joint jumpin' with my song that, shockingly enough, hit #2 on the Billboard 100 in 1985. Let's party all the time!!!
Goddamn! I sounded good. Let's get to our next presenter. You know him as the only guy from the New York Knicks who's had an assist all season, Jeremy Lin!
To think, less than a month ago I was riding the bench and getting ignored by Carmelo Anthony. And now, here I am, on the cover of Time magazine and Sports Illustrated, presenting at an award show and still being ignored by Carmelo Anthony. It's a dream come true. On the subject of things we should all ignore, it's the nominees for Worst Male Reality Personality.
The nominees are: Donald Trump (Celebrity Apprentice), Kris Humphries (Keeping up with the Kardashians), Randy Jackson (American Idol), Steve Jones (The X Factor) and The Situation (Jersey Shore). And the winner is...Donald Trump!
Donald Trump couldn't be here tonight, but accepting on his behalf, is one of his many hairpieces.
If The Donald were here, he'd just want you to know that you should ignore the time he told CNN that Mitt Romney was a "small-business guy" and “he’d buy companies, he’d close companies, he’d get rid of jobs.” Instead Mr. Trump would rather you focus on his endorsement on Romney for President when he said, "He’s not going to allow bad things to continue to happen to this country that we all love.”
I have no idea what just happened. So let's just dive in to our next presenter. You know her as Catherine, Duchess of Cambridge. Ladies and gentleman, Princess Kate.
It's great to be here at the AVN awards. It's on honor to be among the great adult films stars of today including Jesse Jane and Lexington Steele. I mean who isn't excited to know who will win Best Group Sex Scene of...wait...I'm being told this isn't the AVNs? Well these programs feature at least one porn star - Worst Show Featuring a Kardashian.
And the nominees are: Dancing with the Stars, Keeping up with the Kardashians, Khloe & Lamar and Kourtney & Kim Take New York. And the winner is...Keeping up with the Kardashians.
How totally awesome! And to think we only had to create a complete farce of the institution of marriage to earn this award. If only whatshisname could be here could be here too. What was that guy who Kimmie was married to anyway?
Now it's time we recognize the show that was cancelled much too soon. It's called the Pushing Daisies Award and it's named in honor the much-liked but quickly-sacked ABC show Pushing Daisies. Here to present the award is the man for whom the Bennies is named, former NBC head Ben Silverman.
I'd say it's an honor to be here, but really it's the other way around. You should be honored to be in the presence of me, someone who still writes in his bio, "People magazine selected him in its sexiest entertainment executive issue." If you don't believe me, here's the link to the proof.
Anyway, I'm not sure why any of these shows deserved to stay on the air. Americans don't want stuff with quality acting, compelling story lines or exceptional production quality. They want my programs like Mob Wives and Biggest Loser. You know, shows where idiots beat up each other or lose weight at an unhealthy clip. And if there isn't an impossible amount of product placement, well, what's the point? But here are the nominees: Bored to Death, Detroit 1-8-7, Hung, Lights Out, The Chicago Code and United States of Tara.
And the winner is...Bored to Death. The producers of Bored to Death couldn't be here tonight because they're...oh, don't pretend you care.
The phrase "bored to death" has never been more appropriate than this exact moment. Well, here's our next presenter of the evening. How about a nice welcome to the woman who talks out of both sides of her face while she's stuffing it with everything cooked in lard, Paula Deen.
Well call me deep fried Lipitor and slather me in giblets, isn't this the darn tootenest thang you've ever done seen. The Worst Reality Show honor. I haven't heard of somethin' so smart since I invented Paula Deen's Butter Flavored Lip Balm. Because you gotta "Put some South in your Mouth."
And the nominees are: Audrina, H8R,Jersey Shore, Mob Wives, Saddle Ranch and Teen Mom 2. And the Winner is...well golly gee willikers on a Christmas Tree...it's Teen Mom 2.
Jenelle Evans, that funny little number from Teen Mom 2, couldn't be here tonight because her probation officer wouldn't let her leave the state. So instead we have Viacom head Sumner Redstone to explain why MTV airs these kind of shows.
So let me get this straight. We have a program starring a girl who has a baby in high school. After that, she's arrested for breaking and entering as well as drug possession. She's then busted for assault. And if that wasn't enough, she's hauled in twice in the same week for making harassing phone calls and violating a domestic violence protective order. What the hell is going on with our network? Well, at least I'm not hacking phones. Suck on that Rupe!
We've done it. We've made it to the last award of the evening - the Worst Scripted Program of the Year. I just want to thank all of you for staying awake this long. I know it was a challenge, but it still wasn't as bad as the Grammys. So congrats to all of you. And now our last presenter of the evening. You know him as that new leader of North Korea. Ladies and Gentleman, Kim Jong-un.
All hail Democratic People's Republic of Korea. The glory of a wise people. Devoting our bodies and minds to this Korea. Let us support forever...oh, I'm just fuckin' with y'all. Now that the old man is dead, I've turned the presidential palace into an East Asian den of debauchery. There's hot and cold running bitches, Cristal on tap and all the herb you can smog. And don't you be forgettin' about the grotto. Shit, this place is trippin'. Makin it rain in the DPRK. Peace.
The nominees for Worst Scripted Program are: Allen Gregory, Charlie's Angels, How to be a Gentleman, I Hate My Teenage Daughter, The Cape and The Playboy Club. And the winner is...The Playboy Club. I don't know why. Those sistas be hot and shit. Accepting is the oh so tasty Amber Heard. Mmm. I love me some Amber. Hey baby, how'd you like to be my First Lady of Love? Holla at your boy.
Eww. And double eww. If I wanted to date some bloated, high-powered weirdo, I would have said "Yes" to Travolta years ago. No thanks. As for The Playboy Club, I'd just like to thank producers for trying to convince the public that a show about Playboy Bunnies running around in next to nothing is really a statement about feminism. If that's the case, then Baywatch was actually a show about marine biology.
That's it folks. If you made it this far, drive home safely. Otherwise I can just say anything I want and you'll never know. Giraffe.
I am not above ripping off the latest and greatest trend. I mean, what kind of Hollywood hack would I be if I didn't. So with that, I bring you my newest piece of artwork.
Welcome to another edition of Ask Fake Ari Emanuel.* Fake Ari will answer all of your questions because he's made it to the second highest level of Hollywood -- WME2. And who knows? One of these daysCAAmight just hire him as a floater. If you have any questions for Fake Ari, please send them to TempX@tempdiaries.com.
*Any
similarity to any person living or dead is merely coincidental. No
animals were harmed during the writing of this posting. Please don't
sue me.
ANONYMOUS READER ASKS: I graduated from SUNY-Oneonta recently with a degree in Mass Communications and a minor in Journalism (please save the state school joke, it's below you). I was writing for newspapers for a while and realized I'd rather work in film. I then interned at a production company as an assistant to the president. I've finished my internship and am now seeking steady employment. I am having trouble finding it like everyone else.
What I want to know is, do you think my degree is holding me back at all? Would a minor or major in film have been more suitable for a career at an agency in LA? Are state schools actually looked down upon in real life?
Fake Ari don't dig on swine
FAKE ARI EMANUEL RESPONDS: Fake Ari would first like to congratulate you on completing your schooling at SUNY-Onomatopoeia. Fake Ari is sure that securing an education where you major in things that sound like what they are is quite the challenge. Was your senior thesis about the etymology of "oink"?
Chortle. Fake Ari makes Fake Ari laugh.
Fake Ari believes that in Hollywood, like in much of the business world, the type of degree and the name of your school is helpful, but it is far from the only important factor in securing a job. Fake Ari has had grads from Harvard and Northwestern as well as University of Arizona and (gag) Florida State fetch him coffee. If you can prove to Fake Ari, or all the Fake Ari wannabes out there, that you are determined, reliable and smart, you might have a chance in Ari-wood. Otherwise you're fucked.
ANONYMOUS READER ASKS: Could an assistant make themselves more valuable if they had a killer movie project to try to shepherd around while they worked? That seems to be a way to elevate themselves from temp to exec.
Fake Ari is a rich man
FAKE ARI EMANUEL RESPONDS: Fake Ari is amused by the naivete of people like you. If Fake Ari had a nickel for every time he's been told by some bright-eyed underling that they have a "killer movie project," Fake Ari would be a very rich man. And Fake Ari is a very rich man.
Fake Ari thinks you are missing the point. If Fake Ari were you, he would take key steps like...WRITING A FUCKING SCRIPT! Or if you've actually made this key first step, although he's doubtful that you have, then network. And network some more. And when you're done doing that, keep doing it until you find someone interested in representing you or working with you. Produce on your own time, not while you're making Fake Ari's shiatsu massage appointment.
I frequently get emails from people asking me to read and critique their resumes. As much as I'd love to help with this, I decline. My rationale - look at how well things are going for me. So by turning these requests down, technically I'm doing you a favor.
But I was bored, restless and a little drunk last night, so I figured I'd do a resume template for everyone to follow.
Enjoy
YOUR NAME YOUR CONTACT INFORMATION [If you need help with either of these two parts, you're in serious trouble...or you already work for NBC]
EDUCATION
Harvard or USC [If you went to any other school, move the eduction section to below the 'Experience' section. And then hide your face in shame.]
Bachelor of Arts in Film and TV Production [Any other major pushes you well down on the list of prospective candidates. Try to avoid listing a major that makes you look smart like Econ or Physics. And for heaven's sake, never list a graduate degree. If you do that, you might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board that reads "I'm too intelligent and have too much student loan debt to make your lunch reservations."]
EXPERIENCE
Company (Preferably CAA) Hollywood, CA Assistant Dates of Employment
[For 'Dates of Employment,' make sure it's between two and three years. If it's less, they'll think you're a job hopper. If it's more, they'll think you're too dumb to get promoted.]
Responsibilities:
Considering all assistant job descriptions are exactly the same, you might as well parrot back to them exactly what they're asking for. So say something like, "Experience in rolling calls, scheduling appointments, filing, faxing, creating booking
slips, tracking client payments and office administrative work." You know, the usual bullshit you're hoping to avoid doing at $11/hr.
Now if you haven't done these things, it's perfectly acceptable to lie. Why do I say this? Because all the stuff they're asking for can be accomplished by your average high school sophomore with little difficulty. And considering you're college grad, you can probably handle this too.
Add something impressive, but not too impressive so as to scare them off. Feel free to name drop a famous client or project you had even the most remote association with. For example, if you were a PA, even for a day, on the ill-fated Wonder Woman pilot, write something like, "Provided production support to Emmy- and Peabody-winning producer David E. Kelly for a Warner Bros TV pilot." There is no need to mention that the show was so bad that even NBC, which will air just about anything, decided against it.
Then simply repeat/embellish/lie until you fill about 80 percent of the page. As for for temp gigs, I prefer listing the company you temped for (e.g., Paramount) versus the one you temped through (e.g., Star Staffing), especially for long-term assignments. Remember, name drop as much as is tasteful.
SKILLS
List all the usual suspects like Macintosh/PC literate, Microsoft Word and Excel,
Filemaker Pro, Entourage, Studio Systems, InEntertainment, Final Draft, and Adobe Acrobat. You may also want to demonstrate your deftness at using the phone by saying fancy things like "multi-line phones," although doing so may crush your fragile spirit. Feel free to add social media skills like Twitter and Facebook, although we all know there's not much too it. While I think it's funny to say things like "extremely thick skin" and "enjoy being browbeaten," doing so may not advance your cause.
REFERENCES
Here's my rule: If you have at least two names that are impressive as references, put them on your resume. If you have references, but their names no one has ever heard of, just say "Available Upon Request." It's an association thing. If they see a good name on your resume, it should help. But also remember how far this approach has gotten me.
And now, a few more entries into the Hollywood Dictionary. If there are terms you want defined, please send them along to TempX@tempdiaries.com...
Dark: Most Hollywood assistants probably associate this term with work. Why? Because it's dark outside when you get in and it's dark when you go home. When added to the fact that these same people are sequestered in some dingy cubicle for the balance of the day, it's not surprise that assistants often suffer Seasonal Affective Disorder. However, this term has nothing to do with any of this. Dark is when a show stops filming for previously-scheduled breaks (e.g., Christmas) or whenever Charlie Sheen goes on a multi-week bender.
Dead: This defines a TV or movie project that was being developed but, thanks to someone's common sense (I know, can you believe it?!), is no longer. Thus, the project is "Dead." But just like zombies, Hollywood projects are never really dead. They just need some fool to breathe life back into them. For example, Baywatch: The Movie has been floating around town since 2004 when DreamWorks first optioned the rights. Its most recent iteration has it Peter Tolan attached and an approximate release date of 2013.
Call Back: Pronounced "KAWL - bak," this is not to be confused with the previously-defined "Call Back" (kawl - BAK), or being instructed by your asshat of a boss to return someone's phone call. When the emphasis is on the first word, this is good news for an actor/actress because this means he/she has made it to the next stage of the audition process - the casting couch.
[VOTING IS NOW OVER. THANKS FOR YOUR PARTICIPATION. STAY TUNED FOR THE RESULTS.]
It's that time of year again, your chance to vote on the Worst in TV for the third annual Bennie Awards. For those unfamiliar, think of The Bennies as theRazzies for the small screen.
From January 25 - February 10, the viewing public will vote for the winners of this most prestigious award. In a format change over previous years, the Temp Diaries staff has selected the nominees in eight different categories:
Worst Actress
Worst Actor
Worst Reality Personality (Female)
Worst Reality Personality (Male)
Pushing Daisies Award (honoring the best show canceled too soon)
Worst Show Featuring a Kardashian
Worst Reality Show
Worst Scripted Show
All you need to do is select your choice from the ballot below and hit "Submit." The Bennies uses American Idol-style voting, so stuffing the ballot box is completely legal. On February 21, I will announce the winners of the Golden Trash Can in a gala online event.
The Bennies pay
homage to the King of Bad Programming -- former NBC head Ben
Silverman. It's also no small coincidence that "Bennies" is slang for
Benzedrine (a drug I believe these Hollywood execs were on when they
greenlit these shows).
And now, on with the voting. Thank you and good luck.
Think your experience in Tinseltown is worse than everyone else's? Tell me how on the "My Life In Hollywood Sucks Because..." entry. Your tale of woe might just make it to the monthly calendar.
Welcome to the worst time of the year, Pilot Season.
For those assistants who have never been through it before, I can only equate it to working at a call center during a product recall. The phone starts ringing the moment you get in at 8 a.m. and it doesn't stop until you finally are permitted to leave at 8:30 p.m. If you're lucky, you're allowed a bathroom break, but that's not certain. To alleviate any of those concerns, you might want to purchase a "Stadium Pal" (retail - $29.95) or the female equivalent "Stadium Gal" (retail - $34.95). These nifty little devices allow you to pee anywhere and offer a handy urine collection bag that you can strap on to your leg. What you do with the leftovers, well, that's your problem.
But let's go on to the terms you might need to know over the next couple of months.
Book a Pilot:Chesley "Sully" Sullenberger rumored $2.5 million deal recounting US Air's Flight 1549 is a Pilot Book.
Booking a Pilot, on the other hand, is when your client secures a
role on a show that won't make it to air because The CW sees higher profit margins in the musical chairs competition Oh Sit!
Business Affairs: Once
an agent finishes negotiating their client's deal in principle with
the producers, it gets passed off to Business Affairs to make sure they
don't get sued (or if they get sued, they win). These people are
lawyers who decided to avoid the stress and money that comes along with
working at a law firm, and simply fill out Mad Lib-style contract from
9-6 and make $150k/year.
Drive On: While this sounds like something your boss might do TO YOU with his new Porsche Cayenne to test out the all-time 4WD,
it's really just a permission slip to get on to a studio lot. For
those of you who can't afford cars (which is pretty much every
assistant), you'll get something called a "Walk On."
First Position: Some
actors (and periodically producers or writers) are in such high demand
that they will work on two different projects at the same time. But
unless you're so advanced that you can defy the space-time continuum
and be in two places at the same time, one production has to win out
for scheduling purposes. This is called First Position. So when
Katherine Heigl tells Chandra Rimes that she just accepted a part as the lead in Zyzzyx Road: The Return to Nowhere, Chandra says, "Fine, but Grey's Anatomy is still in first position because we need you to be here while we slowly kill off your character."
Put Pilot: Apparently
this is the point when I run out of funny, so I'll just define it.
It's when a studio sells a pilot to a network with the understanding
that if they don't air the show, they have to pay a heavy penalty.
Golly, I can be quite dull.
Series Regular: This
has nothing to do with the effects of a consuming caffeine, cigarettes
and Caesar Salad (dressing on the side) in a specific order. Although
now that I mention it, I might have just come up with the new
Hollywood Miracle diet -- that is if you can have time to audition
between runs to the john. A "Series Regular" is a cast member of a
particular show who is signed on for an extended period of time, or
until they view themselves as too important and their character gets
killed. See Katherine Heigl or Jorja Fox.
Sides: Not
quite sure how this word came into Hollywood vernacular, but we're
stuck with it. It simply means selected pages of a script that are read
during the course of an audition. You'll probably hear as your boss
yells at you, "Courier, fax and email those fucking sides to [client's] house pronto! And then get me some coffee!"
Technically Available:(a.k.a.
"tech avail") This has nothing to do with your IT department fixing
your boss's laptop because she spilled a VRB on it. It's used to
describe when and actor/director/writer/etc. could do a project if
nothing more desirable comes through. Or Danny Boyle's agent might
say, "Yeah, he's technically available to direct Hotel For Dogs if we can't work out a deal on Slumdog Millionaire."
[THIS WAS ORIGINALLY POSTED FEB. 19, 2009. NOTHING HAS CHANGED, SO I'M REPOSTING FOR ANYONE STILL LOOKING FOR LAST MINUTE ADVICE] I'd like to (verb) the Academy for this most beautiful award. Also (verb) you to my agent (CAA agent) and Kevin Huvane. My manager and the people at Untitled Entertainment (do not be confused by this. It's actually the name of the company). And my attorney (Jewish-sounding name). (Verb) you. (Verb) all of you.
To the producers (just say Brian Grazer), my outstanding co-star (the person you slept with while making this movie), the director (the person you slept with to get the role). Thank you. It was an absolute (adjective describing fun, but in a non-sexual way) working with all of you.
My rock of three and a half years (the person sitting next to you. Yes, the one you're married to). I love you so much. You (verb) me every day. And I can't thank you enough.
