Happy Holidays from the Happy Couple - Nikki Finke and Temp X

The Temp Diaries Holiday Tradition -- WPIX Yule Log

It's the most wonderful time of the year...Christmas break in Hollywood.  This means that for the next two weeks your idiot boss won't yell at you.  That's the best gift one person can give.  While I can't top that, I can offer you a nice seasonal gift -- the WPIX Yule Log.

Stay warm.

The Dreaded Christmas Cards

[Sorry I'm a little late this year. I think I've gotten to the point where I have this internalized. But that doesn't mean you all do.]

Like A Charlie Brown Christmas, some things merit an annual rerun. Thus I offer this posting from November 14, 2008 with tips and recommendations for doing your boss's holiday cards. I have also added a few viewer comments that you might find helpful.

Do you hear that? It sounds a little like a whale's mating call but with more sniffling. That's the sound of Mom X and Dad X crying because of what I'm about to write.

My parents did their darnedest. They made sure my education was top notch. They moved to good school districts. They sent me to accelerated programs, SAT prep classes and the second best college in Chicago. They spent many nights helping me with math homework (until I got to Algebra 2, at which point they were useless). Heck, when my fifth grade class had a balsa wood bridge building contest, Dad X gave me book on roof trusses so I could learn about structural engineering. (FYI -- The bridge held 70 pounds and I came in second place).

But after all that education and preparation for the real world, reading volumes of books on urban development, German history and the Nixon administration, I've been reduced to to this tedious but critical skill in Hollywood -- mailing Christmas cards.

Trust me, I'm as sick about it as you. A couple years ago I worked for someone who mailed cards to 1,400 people. That's like sending a card to one out of four people in Wasilla, Alaska. It was a trying moment in my Hollywood "career." But like death, taxes and a new SAW movie every Halloween, Christmas cards are an unavoidable task for a Hollywood assistant.

Following are tips on ways to make this dark period of your life go by as quickly as possible. So turn on some music, relax, pour some whiskey in your coffee and dive in. It'll be over before you know it...

• DO NOT UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES USE MICROSOFT WORD AND SIMPLY TYPE UP EACH ADDRESS ON AN INDIVIDUAL LABEL. THIS WILL LEAD TO DISASTER BECAUSE YOU CAN'T SORT, ALPHABETIZE OR CROSS-REFERENCE ANYTHING. USE A DATABASE OR MICROSOFT EXCEL AND THEN DO A MAIL MERGE.

• Use each field in the database for one item only (e.g., first name, city, zip). Do not combine the recipient's first name and last name into one data field (e.g., "Elisabeth" and "Hasselbeck" versus "Elisabeth Hasselbeck").

• Make sure your mailing labels are big enough for all the address information. Avery 5260s (the ones your office is most likely to have) are usually good for four lines of information. So after putting in the person's name, title, company and street address, your label is full. Consider eliminating or consolidating non-critical information or getting different labels.

• Don't lick each envelope. Instead, use a glue stick. This will prevent your tongue, breath and salivary glands from revolting against you. Before you seal the envelopes, make sure to cover your work area with paper (I prefer a thin cardboard). This will prevent your desk from getting covered with glue.

• Don't send Christmas cards to dead people. I narrowly avoided this disaster once. If you have any doubt about whether an intended recipients is taking the dirt nap, look it up. Wikipedia is right a good 80 percent of the time.

• Use moisturizer. I know it sounds like that speech about using sunscreen, but I'm very serious. After handling a few hundred envelopes your finger tips dry up and are less likely to protect yourself from very painful paper cuts.

• Show your boss a sample before you assemble all of them. Hollywood executives are a finicky bunch, so it's best to make sure they know exactly what it's gonna look like. Otherwise you'll end up doing this twice.

• CAA moved to 2000 Avenue of the Stars a couple years ago. If anyone still has them at 9830 Wilshire, please update their contacts.

Now let us never speak of this posting again. My college diploma is laughing at me.

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Following are some user comments from 2008, 2009 and 2010 you might find helpful.

Anonymous said...

There are a lot of websites that will allow you to create cards and and mail them to hundreds of people. They aren't handwritten, but they are a lot cheaper.

 

Anonymous said...

i used to mail out a gazillion letters a month.. and, i give a firm heads up to the little bottles with the sponge tops. also, flap your envelopes, flattening out the fold over bit, so you can easily slide in cards.. then, using the same stacking, you can swipe the bottle bottom to top, then run the side of your palm down the flap top to bottom, thus reducing motion and effort. flip the stack over, and, by folding the stamp page a bit, the edge of the stamp comes free, allowing you to quickly slide a stamp on each piece. for every 20 cards, stop, press firmly on the upper stage left edge to secure the stamp and move on. (i should do this as a video, right?)  With this, i was able to stuff, seal, label and stamp 1000 letters an hour.

Anonymous said...

I helped out my father and a family friend with a large mailing. Some office supply stores sell a bottle with a sponge on top. You unscrew the top, fill the bottle with water, screw the top back on, then seal away. However, I would never dream of questioning the great and wonderful temp x.

Anonymous said...

Years ago I too sent out hundreds of New Years Cards at my college job. Many fancy holiday cards are also heavier or bigger than regular mail and require more postage. This is rarely noted on the box. I would take one card to the post office to verify the correct postage. You could look like a genius if you catch this problem.

Copyright Infringement Theatre

Sometimes these hit a little too close to home...

Courtesy of Toothpastefordinner.com

'Tis the season...for drinking and dirty jokes

 

 

Twas the days before Xmas break

And all through Hollywood

Not an executive was conscious

They've drunk more than they should

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The Hollywood Temp Diaries, in cooperation with the comic genius of the "Josh and Josh Show" hereby invites you to the 2011 Holiday Party Substitute.  It was such a grand time last year, how could we not do it again.

Come for the comedy, stay for the chance of a drunken hook up.

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Thursday, December 15
8:00 p.m.* - 2:00 a.m. (comedy then dance party)
Bar Lubitsch – 7702 Santa Monica Blvd – West Hollywood
*comics will likely hit the stage around 8:30

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Scheduled performers:

Rory Scovel (Conan, Late Night with Jimmy Fallon), Moshe Kasher (Late Night with Jimmy Fallon, Chelsea Lately), Jared Logan (Live at Gotham, CollegeHumor.com), Janine Brito (Winner - 2009 SF Women's Comedy Competition), Adam Cayton-Holland (Happy Endings) 

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No Cover Charge (Hooray!)/ Cash Bar (I'm not made of money.)
No RSVP Required

"My life in Hollywood sucks" -- December calendar

Think your experience in Tinseltown is worse than everyone else's? Tell me how on the "My Life In Hollywood Sucks Because..." entry. Your tale of woe might just make it to the monthly calendar.