Ask Fake Ari Emanuel

Do these pants make
my ego look big?

Welcome to another edition of Ask Fake Ari Emanuel.*  Fake Ari will answer all of your questions because he's made it to the second highest level of Hollywood -- WME2.  And who knows? One of these days CAA might just hire him as a floater.  If you have any questions for Fake Ari, please send them to TempX@tempdiaries.com.

*Any similarity to any person living or dead is merely coincidental.  No animals were harmed during the writing of this posting.  Please don't sue me.

ANONYMOUS READER ASKS: I'm a 31-year-old career changer now doing film and media, and I have been applying for various jobs and sending out over 200 resume/demo reel submissions in Los Angeles and nationwide.  The problem is that I haven't heard back from anyone, and my "contacts" who are actual working professionals in LA and NYC have not thrown any work my way.  I have been networking through friends, cold calling, begging random people in the biz, using online job forums and basically doing everything that I can to find something so I can move down to LA.  Everyone tells me to just move and I will find something.

Can you give me some advice or maybe point me in the right direction?

Movin' on up.

FAKE ARI EMANUEL RESPONDS: Fake Ari is going to give you a quick quiz.  Are you ready?

#1 -- Do you live in Los Angeles?
#2 -- Do you have access to $50 million in investment capital?
#3 -- Are you related to anyone famous?
#4 -- Do you have any blackmail material on any important Hollywood executive?
#5 -- Are you me?

If you answered "No" to all these questions, and I'm certain that you did, then you have no chance in hell of getting a job out here unless you move here.  This town is littered with people just like you.  Plus with the California unemployment rate of 12.1%, the line for whatever job you think you're qualified for has a line 100 people deep.

So shit or get off the pot.  See you soon.

Happy Hour at CAA

ANONYMOUS READER ASKS: I just graduated from college, and I'm getting tired of interning at production companies. I'm desperate, and I want to work at an agency, specifically CAA. Basically, do you know where the assistants hang out after hours? I'm ready to go network my butt off. Do you think that would even work?


FAKE ARI EMANUEL RESPONDS: Fake Ari is always amazed that so many people want to work at CAA.  Their offices have all the aesthetic design of a mausoleum.  Plus, do you remember a certain show called Entourage?  Would you like to guess what agency that's based on?  If you said CAA, you're wrong.  If you guessed ICM, Paradigm, Gersh or UTA, you're still wrong.  It's based on me...I mean WME.

But to answer your question, CAA assistants hang out at CAA after hours because they're shackled to their desks.  They'll work your fingers, not just until they bleed, but until there's nothing left but a stump...starting at your wrist.

As for Part 2 of your question, the answer is "perhaps but doubtful." The one thing the assistants can tell you about are the positions that are open or coming open.  But if you think they have any influence in the hiring process, you're too stupid to work in this town anyway.