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| Version 2.5 |
Lost amidst the hoo haa of Charlie Sheen leaving/getting thrown off of Two and a Half Men is how they're gonna write him out and add Ashton Kutcher. But I have excellent contacts inside the production. From the same source who got me Chuck Lorre Productions Vanity Card #335, I have now secured the Cold Open from the season premiere of the revamped Two and a Half Men.
Looks like things haven't changed much. That is to say, it's still about boobs.
INT. HOSPITAL ROOM
Charlie lays motionless in the patient bed. He's unconscious. Tubes and wires are connected to all parts of his body -- even his groin. The only noise you hear is the respirator breathing pumping and the beeping of the heart monitor. Alan sits at his bedside. A tear wells up as he looks at his moribund brother.
ALAN
Well Charlie. You've finally done it. I always knew sex would kill you, but not this way.
He gets choked up.
ALAN
I figured when you tied the sex swing to the roof and invited over the Swedish bikini team, that would be the end. But not this way...Not some fast-moving hybrid of AIDS, herpes, gonorrhea and Swimmer's ear.
Alan sobs again.
ALAN
But when it comes to setting new records for sex, you always said, "Never underestimate Charlie Harper."
Berta enters.
BERTA
Is the dick dead yet?
ALAN
Berta?! That's my brother you're talking about.
BERTA
No. I meant his actual penis. I figured his member would be the first to go. The rest of his body would follow due to lack of instruction.
Berta starts to leaves the room as Jake enters. Jake gives her a look as to say "How's he doing?" Berta smiles.
BERTA
Soon. Very soon.
JAKE
Uncle Charlie hasn't kicked off yet?
ALAN
No! Jake!...Jake, your Uncle Charlie, my brother...We're still holding out hope. The lab is running tests and...
JAKE
(interrupts)
(interrupts)
Can I have some change?
Alan reaches into his pocket and pulls out his wallet. He starts getting some quarters...
ALAN
Sure Jake. Yeah. Since you're going to the vending machine, can you get me a coffee. But don't spend too much. We're in a bit of a financial pickle because Uncle Charlie's medical insurance doesn't cover unknown diseases...
JAKE
Coffee? No. They've got Galaga in the game room.
...Jake decides to grab the wallet instead and runs out the room. Some of the change falls to the floor and rolls under Charlie's bed. Alan gets on all fours to look for the wayward coins. A moment later Raymond (Kutcher) and a chesty blond - both dressed in hospital whites - enter the room ready to have a little fun. They only see Charlie as Alan is still looking for the loose change.
RAYMOND
The coast is clear. Just one nearly stiff.
They go behind the curtain that separates the two halves of the room. This is quickly followed by the sound of pants being unzipped.
CHESTY BLOND
More like two.
Alan pops his head up and his eyes go wide. He sees the silhouettes of the two and can't believe it. He pokes Charlie. No response.
ALAN
(whispering)
Charlie...Charlie...You'll wanna see this.
The foreplay continues behind the curtain. It's getting hot and heavy until...
CHESTY BLOND
Wanna play doctor?
The kissing stops immediately.
RAYMOND
Why do you always do that?
CHESTY BLOND
What?
RAYMOND
Just because I'm a nurse and you're a surgeon, you always throw it in my face. (imitating her) "Wanna play doctor?" (as himself) There's nothing wrong with being a nurse.
CHESTY BLOND
I never said there was. Raymond come here...Let's kiss and make your boo boo feel better.
RAYMOND
Don't patronize me! You think all nurses do is put on band aids and clean bedpans. I'm a medical professional just like you...It's not like I'm a chiropractor.
Alan slumps.
CHESTY BLOND
Whatever. Listen Ray. That's it. I've been giving you the benefit of the doubt for a long time. But if you don't want my body, someone else will.
I want you out of the house tonight. If you won't put a ring on this finger, I'll find someone who will...Someone with an advanced degree.
Alan raises his hand and mouths "Me."
CHESTY BLOND
I want you out of the house tonight. If you won't put a ring on this finger, I'll find someone who will...Someone with an advanced degree.
She storms out the room and as she does, Charlie flatlines. Raymond runs over and is more than a bit surprised to see Alan there.
RAYMOND
I guess you heard that.
ALAN
Uh. Can we deal with that later? I have a dying brother here.
RAYMOND
Oh. He's toast.
ALAN
Can't you resuscitate him? You know -- the paddles and the pushing and the breathing?
RAYMOND
And touch that science experiment? Hell no. I wouldn't even recommend sitting that close. Let me ask you, does it hurt when you pee?
And touch that science experiment? Hell no. I wouldn't even recommend sitting that close. Let me ask you, does it hurt when you pee?
Alan grabs his crotch and backs away from his dead brother.
RAYMOND
Hey, you wouldn't happen to know anyone who needs a roommate would you?
End Cold Open
6 comments:
Ha, thanks for posting this. Looks pretty true to form. I like Ashton, and it's a good role for him, but no one will ever fill Charlie's shoes.
that sounds about right. that show was predictable. someone else pointed this out but all of the jokes went through sheen. cyer was the backbone but sheen was the constant. they should of took him back and docked his pay. they needed a hiatus because the show was getting stale and they need to find a new kid because the old one is tall and old. they could switch the kid and still work.
Thanks for the post but this is fan fiction. It's not professional writing.
Content aside, this has format errors, punctuation errors, ridiculously long action lines and it goes on and on. IMHO it really is not something from a real script.
I am glad I came back to this. Are the last 2 posters crazy. Its in 2abd a half men style. A joke.
As I was watching the epi I was thinking- tempys was way better. I think you may have beat them to the script and thats why tonights was garbage. They should of paid you for the above. Jon c just looked old and stale and ashton knows better. So jon needed sheen- who knew.
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