"My life in Hollywood sucks" - April Calendar

Think your experience in Tinseltown is worse than everyone else's? Tell me how on the "My Life In Hollywood Sucks Because..." entry. Your tale of woe might just make it to the monthly calendar.

Ask Fake Ari Emanuel

Still not real Ari

Fake Ari is in a bit of a mood today.  I've learned that my fake brother Mayor Emanuel just got a book deal.  That's bullshit.  He might be smarter, but I'm better looking and have more readers.  Someone get me Random House on the phone.  I want my advance immediately.

Anyway, welcome to another edition of Ask Fake Ari Emanuel.*  Fake Ari will answer all of your questions because he's made it to the second highest level of Hollywood -- WME2.  And who knows? One of these days CAA might just hire him as a floater.  If you have any questions for Fake Ari, please send them to TempX@tempdiaries.com.

*Any similarity to any person living or dead is merely coincidental.  No animals were harmed during the writing of this posting.  Please don't sue me.

Milwaukee's (Fourth) Best Beer

ANONYMOUS READER ASKS: I am a college senior majoring in Public Relations and am hoping to get another internship before graduating. I was wondering if you had any tips you would like to share on what to include in my resume.  Thank you for your time.

FAKE ARI EMANUEL RESPONDS: Ok dipshit.  Here's a tip.  I expect constant adulation.  So thank me at the beginning, middle and end of your question.  And sprinkle it with apologies and begging for forgiveness for taking up my valuable time.  One moment please.  I have an idiot to yell at...

You fucking call this shiatsu massage?  I could do a better job with a rolling pin and a handful of goddamn thumbtacks.  Get off me.  Now!  Now get back to your desk and set my lunch.

Alright.  I'm only going to say this once.  So get out your crayons, Etch a Sketch or whatever mommy lets you use.  A resume is like a PR pitch, so write to your audience.  PR firms don't care that you worked at the Safeway in Kalamazoo.  They care that you're a news junkie and what you've studied that relates to their business.  They care that you understand social media.  They care that you've worked on projects and have delivered results.  And they care that there aren't any fucking typos in your fucking resume!

How do I know I'm right?  Because I'm going to il Cielo where I'll dine on Costata di Manzo alla Griglia and a glass of 1990 Chateaux Latour Pauillac while you're chowing down on Ramen Noodles and Milwaukee's Best.  Bon Appetit bitches.

As seen on Jennifer Aniston's face

ANONYMOUS READER ASKS: Does Fake Ari have the same  nose job (probably by Dr. Kanodia -- whose minimum price is $25,000) as the real Ari Emanuel?  

FAKE ARI EMANUEL RESPONDS: First off, I look down my nose...err...let's just say you're not in Fake Ari's league to even ask those questions.  Secondly, my proboscis is as real as the nose on your...well, whatever.  I don't have to answer to you.  You're a nothing and I'm Fake Ari Emanuel.  So suck it!  And I don't even care if you don't believe me.  It's no skin off my...DAMMIT!  Fine.  It's as fake as I am.  Are you happy?  I PAID THROUGH THE NOSE FOR THIS NOSE.  It was worth every penny.  Nosey bitch.

Overheard in Hollywood

Say what?

In a town with so many bad ideas and foolish people, it's impossible not to hear people saying ridiculous things.  That's why I started "Overheard in Hollywood."  If you've eavesdropped on inanity that you'd like share, send it along to tempx@tempdiaries.com or submit it via the the submission box in the left column.  Of course, everything is confidential, anonymous and I promise not to tell anyone.

And with that, here are the exciting ramblings from around town.

Studio Marketing Executive

There are 25 people in my office looking at a sticker.

Or if decision by needless committee isn't your speed, I can offer you this...

Person #1

Where are you off to?

Producer

 Rehearsal.

Person #1

Don't you work on a reality show?

Producer

Yup.

But perhaps you already knew reality shows are as real as the breasts of the women who star on them.  In that case, we just have this...

Entertainment Executive

(to assistant)
What the fuck is my IT guy doing pitching me a script?

Keep 'em coming.

Pictures from the Trenches

This is what I have to contend with on a daily basis.

Celebrity Gossip from Temp Z

GOSSIP ITEM #1: So many people decry movie remakes saying things like, "they're lame, uncreative moves by risk-averse studio executives" or "I didn't like that movie 20 years ago.  Give me one reason why I should see it this time."  Sure those statements are true, but we overlook the good things, like they bring generations of Hollywood together in a passing of the celebrity torch.  But then there are those who won't go so quietly into the good night.

Recently, the past and present stars of an upcoming Hollywood retread got together for a promotional shoot.  The whole thing seemed kosher until the final product was revealed.  That's when it hit the fan and calls for a re-shoot began.  So what was the problem?  Was the lighting bad?  Was the sound quality off?  Did they forget the film?  Nope, nope and nope.  Turns out the star of the original wasn't happy how he looked in the promo materials for the remake.  Some people just need to loosen up.


GOSSIP ITEM #2: And then there's the dirt everyone loves, wondering about people's sexuality.  No one has ever questioned the preference of this actress with girl next door good looks.  In fact, she's had a well-documented relationship with a known actor.  Furthermore, her religion frowns upon dalliances with the same team.  That's why it was surprising when this woman recently made overtures toward another actress.  Maybe she has a secret she'll reveal down the road?

If you have some gossip you'd like to share, send it along to tempx@tempdiaries.com or in the submission box in the left-hand column.  Everything will be completely confidential.  I promise.

I've hit an all time low

I asked one of the people I'm working for if I could get him a glass of water.

Yep.  Hollywood really sucks.

I Love LA

I know many of you hate when I do song parodies. I'm more than happy to improve my content for a small fee. But until the checks start rolling in, I'll periodically do these.  Today I offer my take on Randy Newman's "I Love L.A."

This song is dedicated to my friend who is inexplicably experiencing L.A. nostalgia despite having moved to A Coruña, Spain.  Hopefully this will bring that confusion to an end.

Now just hit play and start singing.

Hate New York City

Too much to choose from

Culture and history aren't my style

Let's leave Chicago to the crazies

Who wants museums or Wrigley Field?

Nothing's worse than Geno's East

Crawlin' along at 10 miles an hour

Behind a diesel-belching pickup truck

Can't dodge the plumes, can't even change lanes

I'm going crazy as fuck

Roll up the windows crank up the A/C

'Cause it's one hundred and eight

This place is strip-mall ugly

And your can never find a parking spot

From San Dimas to Reseda

From El Monte to Del Aire

Everybody's very happy

'Cause Prop 215 legalized it

They're too stoned to see that it's crappy

I love L.A. (We love it?)

I love L.A. (We love it?)

Look at that smog

Look at that skeeze

Look at that druggie over there

He ran NBC

Look at these women

Ain't nothin' real about 'em

Barham Boulevard traffic (We love it?)

101 traffic (We love it?)

Highland Boulevard traffic (We love it?)

405 traffic (We love it? We love it?)

I love L.A.

I love L.A.

(We love it?)

Stay here!

Terms on job posts that annoy me...

Most Hollywood assistant and internship job posts read basically the same way.  That's because most Hollywood assistant and internship jobs are basically the same: answer phones, make copies, order lunch, plan schedule, etc.  But there are exceptions to every rule.  Those exceptions usually come from some egomaniac or cheap ass who takes advantage of an eager talent pool.  And because I have little else to do, I scoured these postings to find these ridiculous requests.  I've posted some of my least favorite below.  Feel free to add your own in the comments section:

• Must have thick skin - I'm sure I've said this before but how about being less of an asshole instead of such a request.  It's even worse when it's on an internship posting.  No pay to get yelled at?  No thanks.  But if you must apply, mail a chunk of skin (I recommend chicken or duck skin) with your resume.  It's sure to impress.

Hire me!

• Send a headshot - The E.E.O.C. prohibits not hiring someone based on their sex, race, national origin, religion, age or disability.  But hotness?  Well, that's fair game.  Consider sending a photo of a former Dynasty star and the woman who is #1387th in the line of succession to the British throne - Catherine Oxenberg.  The exec won't recognize her, but he'll recognize that she's good looking.  So you'll at least get called in for an interview.

• Benefits after three months - In the past, I've attempted to time my illness and injuries.  For example, when I wanted to get out of my Bar Mitzvah, I prayed for laryngitis to hit on that exact day.  It didn't work then and it doesn't work now.  You can't force illness to wait until Day 91 of your job.  If only companies realized that the sooner they paid for health insurance the sooner they could work you to death.

Toronto isn't in the U.S.

• Must own a laptop - Listen Scrooge McDuck, you're already way underpaying for the position and now you want the employee to supplement your IT costs?  Nope.  Perhaps you should hire Jeopardy! champ Watson and combine the computer with the employee.  Of course, Watson's surely smart enough to put you out of a job too.

• 5 days per week unpaid internship - On the plus side, I'm sure the executive will take the $25k that an employee would get and make a down payment on a Mercedes.  So at least someone gets the money.

• Decent pay - Seriously?  You describe your pay as "decent"?

Beware the Ides of March

In a town with so much backstabbing, it's only appropriate that I post a video featuring the original backstabbers today. 

Fake Journalism with the TODAY show

How many of you have seen Broadcast News?  Remember the scene when Holly Hunter figures out that William Hurt is fake crying and it's all just a gimmick to make compelling TV news.  Well, what I bring to you is a lot like it.  And it's courtesy of the Today show.

As a set up, Ann Curry received the Twitter you see below.  A woman in San Francisco was looking for her sister, Canon Purdy, whom she hadn't heard from since the earthquake in Japan.  So NBC decided to try to find the missing American.

After looking around the earthquake/tsunami-zone and checking with her co-workers, they found the woman.  But this is where the Broadcast News part comes into play.  As you'll see in the clip below, NBC had camera crews not just on location in Japan with the missing teacher, but with the family in San Francisco when Canon Purdy "first called" to let them know she was alive.

So this brings up my point about bad journalism.  NBC did one of two things:

1. They said something like, "We know of the status of you loved one, but aren't going to tell you what happened unless we can get an initial 'reaction shot' on film."  This seems awfully cruel, or...
2. They told the family in advance what they new (because NBC doesn't have camera crews hanging out in their house, or so I hope).  This then makes the video below, reported as news, not really that at all.  Rather it's closer to a reality show.  And we know how "real" those are.

Watch for yourself...

Now I'm sure some of you think I'm being insensitive about this. And the important part is the family was reunited. I completely agree that the important part IS the family was reunited. But NBC doesn't need to compromise their journalist ethics in the process.

Nightmare on Memory Lane

Dead End Street

Chaucer wrote in Troilus & Criseyde the very insightful words, "As tyme hem hurt, a tyme doth hem cure."  Or put into modern parlance "Time heals all wounds."  This is especially true of life as a Hollywood assistant where wounds are plentiful and lots of people enjoy inflicting them. 

It's been seven months since I quit my go-nowhere job and returned to Temping.  It hasn't been easy, but I no longer experience the crushing anxiety and needless depression that resulted from working there.  But the history remains, not just in memory, but in the form of IMs.  As I read this moment-by-moment documentation, my chest seizes up, my brain starts spinning and I scramble for a bottle of Xanax.  But then I look at the calendar and immediately feel better.


Here are some of those IMs:

Temp X: can i punch my boss in the head?
Temp X: please
Friend: sure. go ahead.
Friend: why?
Temp X: the thing i've been reminding him to do for three weeks, he just offloaded on to me.
Friend: what do u have to do?
Temp X: set up meetings for [Client Name Redacted] at [Major Trade Show]. which starts...next week  But guess what he's doing instead?
Friend: ??
Temp X: mountain climbing. duh.

I've included the timecodes for this next one because they are part of the story.  As you'll note, my IM uses military time.  So these messages start just after 4 p.m. The friend on the other end of this transmission knew of the previous employer's "work ethic."

[16:06] Temp X: guess where my boss just got back from
[16:08] Friend: spa day?
[16:08] Temp X: more or less. she just had a pedi
[16:08] Temp X: she left at noon
[16:08] Temp X: just got back
[16:10] Friend: wow
[16:11] Temp X: that's 24 minutes per toe

While I didn't enjoy much at my previous job outside of the free food and ample supply of alcohol, I did get to have a little fun.  The following exchange documents a moment when I used my bosses as lab rats.  Predictably, they failed.  

Temp X: i'm conducting an experiment
Friend: ??
Temp X: i wanted to see how much time i could get [Boss #1] and [Boss #2] to waste talking about the world cup.  so i walked in their office and said "how about that Ronaldo?"
Friend: and...?
Temp X: currently 18 mins and counting
Friend: impressive

And now I'm reminded why I quit.  That and the $9/hour pay rate.

Well, this is weird

My postings in recent days haven't involved the normal vitriol you've become accustomed to.  So I got to thinking last night, "What's happening to me?  Am I losing my edge?"  Then it hit me, I just started a temp gig and it's not awful.  Here's why:

• It pays pays well (by temping standards).  
• It's a long-term assignment (by temping standards).
• It doesn't require much work so I have time to write.
• My boss isn't an asshole.
• The hours are a strict 9-6.
• My commute doesn't take more than 15 minutes.
• The cafeteria has decent, reasonably priced food.
• I have friends who work close by, so I can luncheon with them.
• My co-workers are pleasant and respectful.
• They have good coffee.
• On Fridays they bring bagels and pastries for the staff.
• The computer works.

Wait.  Did I say "I just started a temp gig and it's not awful"?  I've clearly lost my mind.

Ask Fake Ari Emanuel

Still not real Ari

Welcome to another edition of Ask Fake Ari Emanuel.*  Fake Ari will answer all of your questions because he's made it to the second highest level of Hollywood -- WME2.  And who knows? One of these days CAA might just hire him as a floater.  If you have any questions for Fake Ari, please send them to TempX@tempdiaries.com.

*Any similarity to any person living or dead is merely coincidental.  No animals were harmed during the writing of this posting.  Please don't sue me.

NBC's new logo

ANONYMOUS READER ASKS: I'm a junior in college and looking for a summer internship in LA.  My biggest strength is that I'm extremely creative when it comes to idea generation, but I'm not sure what area would be good for me to start in.  What are your thoughts?

FAKE ARI EMANUEL RESPONDS: You've pointed out your own problem -- likely one of many -- you're creative.  Hollywood isn't about being creative.  It's about reusing old ideas with a built in audience, thus minimizing financial risk.  Think I'm wrong?  Fake Ari is never wrong.  Here's just some of the retreads that have been picked for this pilot season:

• Wonder Woman (NBC): Based on the DC comic and TV series with Lynda Carter, a hot chick in a corset fights crime while her tits jiggle.
• The Munsters (NBC): Based on the comedy from the 1960s and subsequent syndicated version from the 1988-91, it follows the home life of monsters.  It's a slightly more refined version of life with the Huvane family. 
• Emerald City (NBC): Based on the Wizard of Oz, but this time set in a major metropolis.  Damn, this is a terrible idea.  And I'll stomach anything that involves one of our clients.
• Dallas (TNT): Based on the long running series about conniving, vindictive and downright evil Texas oil barons, this show follows the next generation.  Conniving?  Vindictive?  Evil?  This show sounds fantastic.  No wonder it's already been picked up to series.
• Charlie’s Angels (ABC): Based on the long-running series with the hot blond, the hot brunette and Kate Jackson, private eyes fight crime while their tits jiggle.  
• Romeo & Juliet (ABC): Based on Shakespeare's play about star-crossed lovers, this show...wow...this one might be even worse than Emerald City.
• True Lies (ABC):  Based on the movie of the same name, ABC hopes this show has a better fate than their previous attempt at this show -- the failed Mr. and Mrs. Smith pilot of 2007.

If I were you, and thank God I'm not, I'd look into internships in Development.  It offers all the creative aspects of writing but without all the work.  Just make sure you study up on which ideas are ripe for a re-boot.

Bon Appetit le Jerkoff

ANONYMOUS READER ASKS:  How do you view study abroad and abroad work experience on a resume?  For instance, I am currently abroad working for a performing artist management firm and record label in the U.K.?  By the way, I'm from Chicago so congrats to your fake brother for paying...whoops...I mean winning the most honest city in America.

FAKE ARI EMANUEL RESPONDS: Well aren't you the fancy one?  I put myself through Macalester digging graves at a pet cemetery while people like you are gallivanting through the Côte d'Azur drinking pastis, eating Salade Niçoise and pretending it's college.  But perhaps you're learning something while gazing at better scenery than St. Paul.  To that I say "Screw You."

Work experience abroad will never equal that in the U.S. simply because foreigners are inferior members of the global economy.  But if it's the best you can do, it's the best you can do.  Put it on your resume and pad it 1 percent more for each time zone removed from Hollywood.  So if you were working in London (PST +8 hours), add 8 percent more bullshit to your resume.  Then you'll be on a level playing field with students interning in Los Angeles.

As for your comments about my brother, don't think those have gone unnoticed.  Rahm still has a few contacts in D.C. who can make your return through U.S. Customs more than a bit uncomfortable.  Does the term "body cavity search" mean anything to you?

USELESS POLL -- RESULTS

Kim Kardashian released her first single "Jam" yesterday. To no great surprise, it sucks. It sounds like two cats fighting to pre-programmed Track #46 on a Casio keyboard. But the question is, "Who is the worst reality star turned singer?"

Brooke Hogan -- 7%

Heidi Montag -- 47%

Kim Kardashian -- 28%
Paris Hilton -- 17%

Least Important Scoop Ever

TMZ is reporting that the Salahi's are cast members on Celebrity Rehab.  I can confirm this because the fame whore and her husband (who looks like Scott McClellan's older brother) also crashed my birthday party last Friday at Barbarella Bar with their camera crew and release forms.  I would have written more about this sooner, but I honestly don't care.

And thus concludes the least important scoop ever.

"My life in Hollywood sucks" - March Calendar

Think your experience in Tinseltown is worse than everyone else's? Tell me how on the "My Life In Hollywood Sucks Because..." entry. Your tale of woe might just make it to the monthly calendar.
 

Larry King Tuesday

Larry King's early publicity shot

Larry King is off the air, but my impersonation of him continues...

• Charlie Sheen needs a publicist. I'm quite adept at PR and need a job.  Is this a match?

• I recently applied for a job.  When they turned me down, they said they went with an unpaid college intern instead.  Always love to hear that.

• The White House party crashing couple Michaele and Tareq Salahi found another party to crash this past weekend -- my birthday.  And they brought a camera crew, release documents (I refused to sign), her stripper shoes, her enormous feet, a bad weave and fake paparazzi with them.  Luckily there was beer.  Sorry, no photos.

• I sometimes write things on my blog that I've also posted on my Twitter account.  Why?  Why not.

• Nikki Finke suing Sharon Waxman for poaching Deadline's scoops and re-running them is...well..something The Darling knows when she sees it.

• If Miami gets Mike Bibby, that would be great.  Now if they can get Troy Murphy for some rebounding help that would be even better

• Just started a temp gig.  The instruction manual for the job is 19 pages.  That's a minor improvement over the old manual which was 200 pages.  Sadly, none of this is a joke.

• At some point the earth will collide with the sun.  When that day comes, I wonder what KCAL's TV news anchor will say at the end of the last broadcast.  I'm guessing something like, "Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil for...God, my balls are so itchy today.  Must be the lack of humidity."

• Charlie Sheen goes wacko on cocaine and everyone shits their pants.  James Franco smokes everything this side of Eastern Kentucky before hosting the The Oscars and no one cares.  Moral of the story: Do drugs and you'll be an overpaid actor.