CHUCK LORRE PRODUCTIONS VANITY CARD, #335

As most people probably know, every show from Chuck Lorre Productions (Two and a Half Men, Big Bang Theory) has a vanity card that runs during the closing credits.  On these cards, Chuck muses about life, love and the world.

After Charlie Sheen went gnarly gnarlington on a radio broadcast yesterday, Chuck immediately went to work on his next vanity card.  In a Temp Diaries exclusive, I've secured the contents of this card and posted it below.  It will air when Two and a Half Men returns in September...if it returns.

The word "panic" has quite an interesting history.  Its origins are from the Greek "panikon" which means "pertaining to the Greek God Pan."  Pan is the God of shepherds, flocks and theatrical criticism. He was also known as the companion of the nymphs.  I'd explain more about nymphs, but if I did, CBS legal department would probably censor that anyway. 

So Charlie Sheen, when you say that we shouldn't "panic" about your well documented drug usage and the impact it has the production of Two and a Half Men, I would suggest you understand the etymology of the term.  Further, I offer the real possibility that the "panic" is you because you live under the delusion that you are the modern day incarnation of Pan.  What evidence do I have to support this? 

- You refer to the women in your life as "Goddesses" (self-explanatory) and are flummoxed by "terrestrial" words (Although this may be a function of you getting expelled from elementary school for bringing a M202A1 FLASH Flamethrower to 'Show and Tell').

- Your pronouncement that you can turn "tin cans into gold," somehow solving the question that alchemists have struggled with for 500 years.

- You call yourself a "High Priest Vatican Assassin Warlock" which must be some sort of previously unknown deity.  That said, it probably needs a new name because it sounds like the a Dungeons & Dragons character who got lost and ended up in Call of Duty: Black Ops.

- While your vocabulary appears to be that of a 9 year-old, I would surmise that calling me a "turd" and a "clown" falls in to the category of theatrical criticism.

- Nymphs.  Lots and lots of nymphs.

While I can weather this storm, there are a lot of people on the crew -- grips, sound, lighting, PAs -- who rely on this show to put food on the table.  This is the true panic you've created.  Not for the show, but for people's lives.  So on behalf of all of them, you're not a god.  You're just a jerk.