CHUCK LORRE PRODUCTIONS VANITY CARD, #335

As most people probably know, every show from Chuck Lorre Productions (Two and a Half Men, Big Bang Theory) has a vanity card that runs during the closing credits.  On these cards, Chuck muses about life, love and the world.

After Charlie Sheen went gnarly gnarlington on a radio broadcast yesterday, Chuck immediately went to work on his next vanity card.  In a Temp Diaries exclusive, I've secured the contents of this card and posted it below.  It will air when Two and a Half Men returns in September...if it returns.

The word "panic" has quite an interesting history.  Its origins are from the Greek "panikon" which means "pertaining to the Greek God Pan."  Pan is the God of shepherds, flocks and theatrical criticism. He was also known as the companion of the nymphs.  I'd explain more about nymphs, but if I did, CBS legal department would probably censor that anyway. 

So Charlie Sheen, when you say that we shouldn't "panic" about your well documented drug usage and the impact it has the production of Two and a Half Men, I would suggest you understand the etymology of the term.  Further, I offer the real possibility that the "panic" is you because you live under the delusion that you are the modern day incarnation of Pan.  What evidence do I have to support this? 

- You refer to the women in your life as "Goddesses" (self-explanatory) and are flummoxed by "terrestrial" words (Although this may be a function of you getting expelled from elementary school for bringing a M202A1 FLASH Flamethrower to 'Show and Tell').

- Your pronouncement that you can turn "tin cans into gold," somehow solving the question that alchemists have struggled with for 500 years.

- You call yourself a "High Priest Vatican Assassin Warlock" which must be some sort of previously unknown deity.  That said, it probably needs a new name because it sounds like the a Dungeons & Dragons character who got lost and ended up in Call of Duty: Black Ops.

- While your vocabulary appears to be that of a 9 year-old, I would surmise that calling me a "turd" and a "clown" falls in to the category of theatrical criticism.

- Nymphs.  Lots and lots of nymphs.

While I can weather this storm, there are a lot of people on the crew -- grips, sound, lighting, PAs -- who rely on this show to put food on the table.  This is the true panic you've created.  Not for the show, but for people's lives.  So on behalf of all of them, you're not a god.  You're just a jerk.

Great Moments in Product Placement History: It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia

Subway nearly earned a Best Supporting Actor Emmy for its performance in an episode of Chuck a couple years ago.  Well, it appears that the purveyor of the $5 foot long wasn't willing to leave well enough along.  In a recent (and perhaps "shark jumping") episode of It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia, a very pregnant Dee Reynolds skipped out of the hospital only to return with a Subway billboard disguised as a tasty beverage.  See if you can spot it.

WWJD -- What Would Jared Do?

The Bennie Awards

Live from a crappy apartment near the Kodak Theater in Hollywood, it's the second annual Bennie Awards.  Tonight's the night we honor television's worst from 2010 with the famed Golden Trashcan.  So sit back, relax, throw down a sizable cocktail and enjoy this star-studded affair.  And now, because he'll never get a job hosting a real awards show again, Ricky Gervais.

Thank you so very much.  Before I begin, I feel I need to clear the air.  There's been a lot of discussion of my hosting at the Golden Globes.  Some critics said my jokes fell flat.  Others said it was mean spirited humour.  We don't need to review all that was trifled about, but I did want to apologize.  I'm sorry I wasn't clear that ... those weren't jokes.  Let me be direct  - YOU ARE ALL LOATHSOME, HORRIBLE PEOPLE.  I hate you.  Lucky for me The Office is on in seven countries.  Every time an episode airs anywhere in the world, $50k goes right into my pocket.  I'm richer than all of you.  So kiss my pale, white butt.  And with that as a segue, the ultimate ass kisser Larry King and a woman who kisses every other body part Bree Olson.

My guest tonight is a true Hollywood beauty and an industry legend.  She does everything and does it with class.  Ladies and gentlemen, Joey Heatherton.

Larry, you do know you haven't had a talk show since December, right?  And my name is Bree Olson.  I'm one of Charlie Sheen's lady friends.  But you did get one thing right.  I do EVERYTHING.  Maybe later you, me and your suspenders could, you know...

...get some matzoh brei at Canter's?  My head says "No" but my pupik says "Yes."  The nominees for Worst Female in a Reality Program are: Camille Grammer (The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills), Kim Kardashian (Keeping up with the Kardashians), Sarah Palin (Sarah Palin's Alaska), Shanna Moakler (Bridalplasty) and Snooki (Jersey Shore).  And the Golden Trashcan goes to...Wasilla, Alaska hello!  It's Sarah Palin!

Oh geez.  This is such an honor, you betcha.  You know the Former First Dude and I were just saying not enough people recognize my tremendous contribution to the arts.  Heck, I was the one responsible for Picasso's Blue Period.  But do I get any credit?  No.  Anyway, I can't wait to put this trophy up on the mantle right between my 2nd runner-up award for Miss Alaska and my two-year-old son Trig.

Well isn't that the bee's knees.  Seeing Sarah Palin reminds me of this joke I heard.  You know what the difference is between a pit bull and a hockey mom?  Pit bulls can tell you the name of a newspaper.  And now for our next presenters.  She thinks the world is flat and he has a flat top.  Cheers all around for Sherri Shepherd and Simon Cowell.


Hello Simon.  I see your nipples are in full force.

No thanks to you.

Darling, you wouldn't know what to do with me anyway.  I'd need to teach you...

Teach me what?  That the moon is made of green cheese and thunder is simply God farting?  The nominees for Worst Male in a Reality Program are: David Hasselhoff (The Hasselhoffs), Randy Jackson (American Idol), Kevin Pollack (Million Dollar Money Drop), Ryan Seacrest (American Idol) and The Situation (Jersey Shore).

And the Golden Trashcan goes to...in quite the upset, my old chum Ryan Seacrest.

Unfortunately Ryan Seacrest couldn't be here tonight because he's getting his weekly teeth buffing.  Accepting on Ryan's behalf is his former American Idol co-host, Brian Dunkleman.

I'm not as think as you drunk I am.  Waitress, get me another Popov Vodka and Fresca.

I ain't no damn waitress.

Fine.  Hey, nipple guy.  Get me a...

Shouldn't you be leaving?  Third shift at the Burger King drive thru is about to start.

Well, wasn't that charming.  To think, I passed up a colonoscopy for this.  I'm quite the fool.  And now, let's meet our next two presenters.  One's a loudmouth blowhard and the other is also a loudmouth blowhard.  Ladies and gentlemen, the modern day Martin and Lewis, Bill O'Reilly and Keith Olbermann.

Keith, I read you signed a deal with Current TV.

You can read?  Looks like I owe Maddow a 10-spot.

What's it like going to the only cable news station with ratings lower than CNN?  Current TV's ratings are so low, you can count their viewers on one hand and have enough fingers left over to wipe away your tears of regret.

Oh zing.  The truth is Bill you're actually quite funny when you want to be. But stick to your A-material.  You know, making up global conspiracies and then blaming Muslims.  And with that, the nominees for Worst Female in a Scripted Program: Aly Michalka (Hellcats), AnnaLynne McCord (90210), Blake Lively (Gossip Girl), Elizabeth Mitchell (V) and Jada Pinkett Smith (HawthoRNe).

And the Golden Trashcan goes to...AnnaLynne McCord.

Wow I'm like so totally excited to be here.  Hold on.  Gotta push my tits up.  Mr. O'Reilly told me every time I do, my quote goes up $100k.  Is that better Mr. O'Reilly?

Oh God yes! You know what darling, you can call me Mr. O for reasons that will soon become obvious.

It could have been worse.  O'Reilly could have offered to DO IT LIVE!  Hang in there folks.  I want to get out of here as much as you do.  The next two presenters are both triple threats -- they can't sing, dance or act. Ladies and gentlemen, the stars of Glee Lea Michele and Cory Monteith.

Uh, hi Lea.

Hi Cory.

You know we're both a lot more interesting when Ryan Murphy writes our lines.

Tru dat.

The nominees for Worst Male in a Scripted Program are: Jim Belushi (The Defenders), David Caruso (CSI: Miami), Charlie Sheen (Two and Half Men),  Blair Underwood (The Event) and Ed Westwick (Gossip Girl).

And the Golden Trashcan goes to...Ed Westwick.

Thank ... you.  Now I will ... reclaim ... what is rightfully ... mine ... Bass Industries.  But first ... I will ... explain ... my ... speaking cadence.

That's enough lad.  We need to finish up before next year's awards.  When you win again next year -- and you probably will -- consider breaking character.

New to the Bennies this year is the Pushing Daisies category. This coveted award recognizes the show that was pulled off the air much too soon.  It pays homage to the short-lived but quite clever program Pushing Daisies that got sacked after a scant 22 episodes.  While these nominees will never get the true recognition they deserve, a Bennie will have to suffice.  Yes.  Hollywood truly sucks. Anyway, there were five finalists for the Pushing Daisies award this year: Better off Ted, Caprica, Huge, Lone Star and Terriers.

And Golden Trashcan goes to...Better off Ted.

The producers of Better off Ted couldn't be here tonight because they had the common sense to leave the entertainment industry entirely.  I will accept this award on their behalf and promptly put it in the rubbish.

Our next presenters have just come off tremendous performances at Super Bowl XLV.  Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome MVP quarterback Aaron Rodgers and Christina Aguilera.

What so proudly we watched at the twilight's last reaming!

So Christina, I see you're still practicing the Star-Spangled Banner?

Wait.  I've got it Aaron.  Check this out.  How loudly I wept while I watch Twilight last evening!

Not getting any closer.  And the nominees for Worst Reality Program are: 16 and Pregnant, Bad Girls Club, Bridalplasty, Jersey Shore and Sarah Palin's Alaska.


And the Golden Trashcan goes to...Sarah Palin's Alaska.

Oh geez.  Wow.  What an honor.  You see the "lamestream media" wants you to believe Sarah Baracuda was just a flash in the pan.  But with two years as governor and now two Bennie Awards, I'm obviously the GOP front-runner.  And Christina, I thought your version of the Star-Spangled Banner was beautiful.  Don't let people refudiate you.  It just inboldens them.

Well that was confusing.  Perhaps it's because I'm a bit juiced up.  But I doubt it.  One thing I'm certain of is it's our last award of the evening.  So allow me to introduce our final presenters -- one's a box office draw responsible for an iconic haircut and the other is Jennifer Aniston.  Ladies and gentlemen, Justin Bieber and Jennifer Aniston.

Jenny, Jenny, Jenny oooh.

Do you make any other noises?

Jenny, Jenny, Jenny oooh.

I'll take that as a "no".  And the nominees for Worst Scripted Program are: Chase, Happy Town, Hellcats, Outsourced and Sh*t My Dad Says.

And the Golden Trashcan goes to...Holy sh*t.  It's Hellcats.

Tom Welling and Kevin Murphy couldn't be here tonight because they are feverishly working with network censors to see if they'll approve a nipple slip.

Wow.  Well, that's it folks.  Party's over.  What an incomprehensible waste of time.  You'd think I'd learn, but I end up getting so bladdered at these things, I forget how awful they are.  Let's pretend this never happened.  Time to go count my money again.

Drive home safely.

Ask Fake Ari Emanuel

Still not real Ari

Welcome to another edition of Ask Fake Ari Emanuel.*  Fake Ari will answer all of your questions because he's made it to the second highest level of Hollywood -- WME2.  And who knows? One of these days CAA might just hire him as a floater.  If you have any questions for Fake Ari, please send them to TempX@tempdiaries.com.

*Any similarity to any person living or dead is merely coincidental.  No animals were harmed during the writing of this posting.  Please don't sue me.

Professional Combover: Do not attempt

ANONYMOUS READER ASKS: I recently moved to LA after graduating college.  Then, all of a sudden, BAM!  My hair is thinning and noticeably so.  I want to take it like a man and shave it, but I'm worried that in our superficial "home" we call Hollywood, my chances of breaking into that first studio or agency gig will be obliterated.  What do you think - can young guys make it in the business rocking it Yul Brynner style, or should we hide from our misfortunes under a piece?

FAKE ARI EMANUEL RESPONDS: Listen jerkoff, this isn't my first go 'round at the bullshit rodeo.  There's no way someone who just graduated from college makes a Yul Brynner reference...unless you're 50.  And if that's the case, you might as well move right now because you as unhireable as Mary Kay Letourneau is at Fairfax High School.  But let's assume you're actually in your early 20s.  If that's the case, use what's left of your rapidly depleting follicles to your advantage.  Lie on your your resume and say you were a Co-EP on According to Jim.  HR will have to believe you because 1) you look older and more distinguished and 2) no one is dumb enough to lie about working on a show that bad.

If you decide to lop off your luscious locks, you'll be a shoo-in at ICM.  They have more shaved heads per capita then the NBA.  Plus they're a second tier agency, which is perfect for you.

Pennsylvania 6-5000 please.

ANONYMOUS READER ASKS: I've submitted my resume to most of the temp agencies you list on your blog (per their websites' instructions). I have almost 5 years experience in the industry in all types of positions (including executive support and coordinating) and am very qualified, but I haven't gotten any responses. Do you think it could be more effective to call them instead?

FAKE ARI EMANUEL RESPONDS: Duh.

Could this be Nikki Finke? Does anyone care? (More Pictures)

Well, Richard Johnson's big reveal of Nikki Finke went over like pork chops at a Yom Kippur break fast when it was revealed it probably wasn't her.  So we're back to square one.  This means we get to keep guessing what the old bird looks like.  With that in mind, here are some recent submissions to the "Make Your Own Nikki Finke."  Feel free to create your own.  I might just post it.

Our first piece of art was submitted by one of Nikki's journalistic competitors.  No wait, that's not fair.  This writer doesn't get paid to re-run press releases.

It's either a snake with a speech impediment or a dildo with the power left on

 Nikki's as a bumbling, self-centered oaf.  Oh, wait.  That's just Nikki.

I'm such a shoddy journalist, I can't even spell shoddy correctly.

I'm not sure what this means.

I have outstanding penmanship.  Next up...learning to use nouns.

And the offer still stands - $10 if you can tell me who the mystery woman is in the Yaris.  Here's her picture again.  Let's track her down. 

Bennie Awards: Call for Nominations

[NOMINATIONS ARE CLOSED.  STAY TUNED FOR THE AWARDS ON FEBRUARY 22.]

Best...Award...Ever!

Welcome to the second annual Bennie Awards nominations. The Bennies is the only competition honoring the worst in prime time television. Think of it as the Razzies for the small screen.

There were hundreds of prime time series in 2010 -- many of them glorified high school talent shows, people getting hit in the groin for cash or product placements disguised as dramas.  The Bennies is your chance to vote on what sucked the most on TV last year.

From today through February 11, you can nominate your choices for Worst Program and Worst Actor/Actress/Reality Personality from 2010.  New this year is the Pushing Daisies Award, recognizing the show least deserving of its untimely demise.  Here's how it works:

• Determine the Worst Reality or Scripted Show and write it in the form below.  For show ideas, I've add reports below listing (hopefully) every prime time program from 2010.
• Determine the Worst Actor/Actress/Reality Personality and write it in the form below.  For help with actors' names, check out imdb.com.
• For the Pushing Daisies Award, select your choice for the show least deserving of cancellation.  There are five finalists to choose from.

Then hit "SUBMIT." I'll take it from there. The Bennies uses American Idol-style voting, so stuffing the ballot box is ok.  On February 22, I will announce the winners of the Golden Trash Can in a gala online event.

The Bennies pay homage to the King of Bad Programming -- former NBC head Ben Silverman. It's also no small coincidence that "Bennies" is slang for Benzedrine (a drug I believe these Hollywood execs were on when they greenlit some of these shows).

[Note: All entries are anonymous. I can't know who you are or what you nominated unless you write your name after it.]

$10 if you know the Nikki Finke impersonator

Gawker's offering $1,000 to anyone who has a recent picture of Nikki.  "Mr. Retraction" Richard Johnson tried to cash in on that bounty, but it appears this isn't Nikki after all.  So now all we have is a photo of a woman driving a Yaris.

This leaves us with one important question, "Who is this woman?" I want to know.  So if you know this woman, if you know someone who knows her or if you are this woman, please contact me.  My budget isn't the same as Gawker's but I very much want the scoop.  Please contact me at tempx@tempdiaries.com with any info you might have.

And remember, there's a 10-spot in it if deliver this woman's name and can put me in contact with her.

Have you seen me?

Could this be Nikki Finke? Does anyone care?

Her Royal Yaris

The Daily has published a picture of what they believe to be Nikki Finke at the wheel of a Toyota Yaris.  But no one really knows.  Richard Johnson, former Page Six editor and The Daily L.A. Bureau Chief, ran the story.  And we all know how reliable he was running Page Six -- except about Michelle Obama or Bam Margera or Vince Vaughn or Quentin Tarantino or countless others.  Darling Nikki denied it.  So we're left guessing.  That's where my readers come in.

Yesterday I started a feature where you can "Make Your Own Nikki Finke."  Here are some responses I received.  Feel free to create your own.  I might just post it.

Nikki is small, furry gnome voiced by Jim Henson

Or in keeping with the Star Wars theme...

She's the secret love child of Jabba the Hutt and Princess Leia (with pet bunny Nellie)

Or the most likely answer...

She is a big, pink chicken.

Make your own Nikki Finke

Not Nikki Finke

So much going on in the world of Nikki Finke. She's turned journalism on its ear by rerunning press releases at a record clip (91 since 1/1/11).  She's busy with the Jobs section of her site ("Coming Soon" since 2009).  And now, the only person with fewer known photos than blues legend Robert Johnson is in the news for...gasp...having her picture taken.

It appears that News Corp's The Daily has a secured current snapshot of the old bird.  The wrinkle is she doesn't want it out there.  Was it a bad hair day?  Anyway, according to The Wrap, she's so cheesed off about this picture that lawyers are getting involved.  Only in Hollywood could something so inane garner any attention.

All this got me thinking: since no one knows what the Grand Dame looks like, let's guess.  Here's the plan:

Not Robert Johnson

• Create your best idea of what the Darling Nikki looks like now -- a drawing, age-enhanced picture, ice sculpture or whatever you'd like.
• When you're done, take a picture/screen capture of it and email it to me at tempx@tempdiaries.com.
• I'll post my favorites on the site.

That's pretty much it.  There's no deadline.  No competition.  Just do it whenever it strikes your fancy.  If you need something to draw on, I've added a drawing pad below.  [Tip: If you use the drawing pad, take a screen shot because there's no "Save" feature.] Or here are two sites that allow you to email your artwork directly -- FotoFlexer for photos or Imagination Cubed for drawings.

Now get to scribbling.

Hollywood Dictionary: Volume 21

And here's more from the Hollywood Dictionary...

Spitballing: Hollywood is really just a grown-up version of junior high.  The good looking people get all the attention.  Those who aren't as aesthetically gifted are the misanthropes who, in an attempt to achieve a modicum of acceptance, will write papers (or in Hollywood, scripts) for the popular folks.  Given Hollywood's similarity to junior high, it should come as no surprise "spitballing" is part of its parlance.  Here it means throwing out random ideas (often for stories) in hopes that one of them doesn't suck.

Spec: It means a script that no one has paid you to write.  You just did it in hopes that some executive somewhere might like it just enough to then rip you off.  Let's hope you have a good lawyer.

What's this?

On the Books:  The last time someone in Hollywood read a book, it was ... ok ... maybe never.  In fact, no one in this town reads more than a few sentences (log line, script lines, sexually explicit text) before taking a cocaine break.  So we'll ever know the etymology of this term.  My guess is it probably resulted from a drug-fueled game of Balderdash.  Wait.  What was I talking about?  Oh, right.  The term "On the Books" means you've scheduled something for your boss.

"My life in Hollywood sucks" - February Calendar

Think your experience in Tinseltown is worse than everyone else's? Tell me how on the "My Life In Hollywood Sucks Because..." entry. Your tale of woe might just make it to the monthly calendar.

Larry King Tuesday? Yep, it's back.

Larry's last broadcast was 46 days ago on December 17, 2010.  Since then Piers Morgan has taken over CNN's 9 p.m. time slot and has interviewed Oprah, Clooney and Stern among many others.  The only person who seems to think he's still broadcasting is Larry King, or at least that what his Twitter profile indicates.

"Los Angeles.  Hello!"

This is CNN?