Great Moments In Product Placement History: Fergie, Slash and Monster Energy

The music industry remains in deep doo doo. Internet piracy combined with overall crappy music means no money (see your future TV!).  Anyway, this means music labels need to offset production costs but still get their product out there.  Gone are the days when a label would pony up millions to make a video, like when Sony threw 7 mil to make Michael Jackson's "Scream."  In fact, they're so far gone the least subtle product placements are showing up in videos.  I offer to you Fergie (featuring Slash) and the new song "Beautiful Dangerous."

Exhibit A:  In the photo below we see what is called an "Establishing Shot" where Slash sits peacefully on a couch at a bar with a can of something and some shots of what's probably whiskey.  This is interesting because Slash had a stint in rehab in 2007 so he probably shouldn't be drinking.  Of course ever since Eric Clapton remade "After Midnight" for a Michelob ad fewer than 10 years after being hospitalized for his alcohol problem, I guess all bets are off.

Exhibit B: Slash reaches over for his beverage, a 16 ounce can of Monster Energy Drink (not to be confused with Monster Job Board or Monster Cable).  Maybe it's the camera angle, but Slash's thumb looks small.

Exhibit C: Playing what appears to be an "E" chord, Slash takes a swig of the beverage (retail price $1.99) while making sure the logo is turned directly to the camera.

Exhibit D: The chaser.  Not sponsored by anyone.

If MTV still played videos, you might see this.  But they don't.  So I'm not sure why I wrote this.

Ask Fake Ari Emanuel

Fake Ari only looks like Real Ari

Welcome to Ask Fake Ari Emanuel.*  Fake Ari (not to be confused with the real Ari Emanuel) will answer your questions because he's made it to the second highest level of Hollywood -- WME2.  And who knows? One of these days CAA might just hire him as a floater.

If you have any questions for Fake Ari, please send them to me at TempX@tempdiaries.com.  And for a full collection of his advice, click on the toolbar above or here.

*Any similarity to any person living or dead is merely coincidental.  No animals were harmed during the writing of this posting.  Please don't sue me.

ANONYMOUS READER ASKS:  I moved to LA two months ago and have had a horrible time finding work.  There are jobs posted everywhere but I never get called.  So I thought I would try temping, but WTF?  How do I even get a pimp?  I have a wealth of business experience including industry experience and two overpriced college degrees and I can't even get a freaking interview with a temp pimp.  Can you help? I'm not getting any younger.

First Chicago.  Next, the World!

FAKE ARI EMANUEL RESPONDS:  Why do I even bother with you people?  I really have better things to do.   I'm trying to run an agency here.  My brother is running for Mayor of Chicago.  And I have another sibling, but I can't remember what he does because he's not famous.

Let's get one thing straight.  This stupid site you're reading has a list of every popular Pimp in town.  Anyone of those asshats will let you come in an take a typing test.  It's no skin off their balls.  So go in and don't fuck it up.

Got a Low Self Opinion?  Lie!

As for your resume, pimps don't give a rat's turd about your overpriced degrees or your experience before you moved to Hollywood.  You know why?  Because it doesn't matter.  So there's only one thing left to do -- LIE.  Yes.  Lie about everything you've accomplished.  Make yourself look stupider and less skilled.  Pimps don't like to give gigs to someone who realizes they're too smart to dig paper out of a photocopier.  Dumb yourself down -- at least on paper.  And for the love of God, keep your resume to one page.  Pimps don't know what to do with a two-page CV, so they typically throw them out.

Now let's discuss your point about not getting any younger.  Clearly you haven't figured out Hollywood.  People get younger in this town all the time.  Sandra Bullock interrupted the space/time continuum.  Jennifer Lopez can't work a calendar.  And Eminem obviously needs Flava Flav's oversize clock necklace.  Oh.  I also have two words for you "BO-motherfuckin'-TOX."

Now get out of my face.  You're bothering me.

Paranormal Inactivity 2

Last year I posted the groundbreaking short film Paranormal Inactivity, where and unemployed Temp occupies his time by awaiting the arrival of ghosts, goblins or a call from his pimp.

Well, sequel fever is in the air.  And if Paranormal Activity 2 can be a huge success, then so can my sequel. But first:

Let's all go to the lobby

Let's all go to the lobby

Let's all go to the lobby

To get ourselves a treat.

Ok. On with the show...

CNN has a Virus

Larry King has always looked old

CNN is sick. The once dominant leader in news can't get a ratings point to save their lives. To improve their demos, they hired noted prostitute employer Eliot Spitzer, whoever Kathleen Parker is and Piers Morgan (the dude from America's Got Talent). Turns out Eliot and Kathleen can't top Rick "I got drunk and ran over a man who later died" Sanchez's ratings and it's unlikely anyone will care about Mr. Morgan when he takes over for the fossilized Larry King (also a scofflaw).

Lucky for them they still have CNN.com, the most trafficked news site according to Alexa.com. However this era may end soon too as their editors seem fixated on viral videos.  Or perhaps they just need better headline writers.

Headshot of the Week: Malia Damian

It's Headshot of the Week time again. Headshot of the Week is a way for actors to get their pictures and resumes in front of those hiring or looking for clients. To be considered, send a copy (.jpg or .pdf) of your headshot, credits and contact info to tempx@tempdiaries.com. I'll take it from there. Of course, be smart about what contact info you provide as this info will be out there for all to see.


Today's candidate is Malia Damian. She is represented by the Lliteras Group (310) 739-0815.

Another Day In Hollywood: The One about Eric's Office

The 2010 Brown List: The Results

The day you hoped for/feared is here.  The 2010 Brown List is complete.  A few interesting stats:

• Total nominations increased 400% over last year.
• The winner of the Most-Liked executive won with 445 nomination, almost 30x the votes James Waugh got last year when he was crowned king.
• The "winner" of the Least-Liked executive garnered 1,117 nominations, nearly 20x what Randall Emmett received last year when he won the category.

I will not spoil any more surprises.  So now, please scroll down for the Brown List.

(Click on the corresponding link below to download, print or make it full screen.)

 

Headshot of the Week: Jenny Sullivan

Welcome to my newest feature -- Headshot of the Week. Headshot of the Week is a way for actors to get their pictures and resumes in front of those hiring or looking for clients. To be considered for Headshot of the Week, send a copy (.jpg or .pdf) of your headshot, credits and contact info to tempx@tempdiaries.com. I'll take it from there. Of course, be smart about what contact info you provide as this info will be out there for all to see.


Today's candidate is Jenny Sullivan. She is represented by Michael Zanuck Agency (818) 707-9747.

Did my boss just ask for...

...directions to an office down the hall?  Yes.

Countdown to Armageddon: 4 Days

See you next Monday.

Another Day In Hollywood: The One about Mother's Little Helper

Copyright Infringement Theatre

or...

Sorry that things have been a little slow. I've been working on the Brown List. October 18 is just around the corner!  Tell your friends.

For more cartoons like these, check out Toothpastefordinner.com.

The Caste System of Hollywood

I'm more years removed from college than I'd like to admit.  But for some reason, I still have the "gotta pass the final exam to graduate" nightmare.  Perhaps the reason I have this dream is it actually happened to me.

My last final exam in college was in Indian History -- a subject that had nothing to do with my degree.  But thanks to certain course requirements and a little bit of procrastination, this class closed out my college career.  As I recall, I needed a C on the final to pass the class and then graduate.  This was no small task as is evident by the fact that I needed a C.  But I studied my ass off, got my diploma and have since forgotten everything about Indian history...until now.

I was eating tandoori chicken and watching an episode of Outsourced (which I think NBC stole from a previous posting) when I realized there's a lot of similarities between the Indian caste system and Hollywood's hierarchy.  How so?  Both the caste system and Hollywood's hierarchy are about suppressing the masses, they're frequently criticized and they're probably not going away any time soon.  I will now attempt to not offend anyone by pointing out the parallels.

[Note: If I get this wrong, please remember that I just barely passed this class.]

"Did you bullshit last week?"

Brahmins: The highest of the caste system consisting of the priests and philosophers.  An easily drawn comparison to Hollywood as most network/studio execs believe themselves to be, if not Gods, their representatives on earth.  As for the philosopher part, to quote Bea Arthur in History of the World: Part 1, a philosopher is nothing more than a "Bullshit Artist."  Bulls eye.

Kshatriya: The second level consists of warriors.  The Kshatriya (according to Wikipedia, so it may or may not be true) preferred engage in guerrilla warfare -- a battle based on ambush, deception, sabotage and surprise.  Sound familiar?  Which group of Hollywood types engage in deception, ambush and the like to achieve their goals.  If you said agents or producers, you agree with me.

Vaishya: In the caste system, these are the artisans, merchants and farmers.  You know, the people who actually DO THE WORK.  Of course they don't get the respect or money they deserve, so (according to WiseGeek.com) there's a history of bitterness. Hmm.  Who can you think of in the Hollywood system who might just be bitter and underpaid?  I'm going with writers.

Sudra: The lowest and the largest group in the Hindu caste system.  These people typically work in service and other occupations that are "unskilled" or "semi-skilled" (the Internet's words, not mine).  Sounds like a Production Assistant to me.  Unless you took a class at Tisch about getting Red Vines from Costco.

Dalit: So unimportant that in the classical varna model of the caste system, this group often isn't included despite the fact that there are 166 million Dalit in India.  They are known as the Untouchables, but not in a cool Brian De Palma/David Mamet kind of way.  Dalit are people who are so low on the totem pole that others won't acknowledge them.  They are dehumanized and woefully underpaid.  The Hollywood equivalent -- Temps.

I'm pretty sure this posting was better thought out than whatever I wrote on my final exam.  Maybe now those dreams will go away.

Headshot of the Week: Jonathan Strait

Welcome to my newest feature -- Headshot of the Week. Headshot of the Week is a way for actors to get their pictures and resumes in front of those hiring or looking for clients.  To be considered for Headshot of the Week, send a copy (.jpg or .pdf) of your headshot, credits and contact info to tempx@tempdiaries.com. I'll take it from there. Of course, be smart about what contact info you provide as this info will be out there for all to see. 

Today's candidate is Jonathan Strait.  He is represented by Visionary Artists (818) 760-9838.

I'm a Toldja! He's a Toldja! She's a Toldja! We're a Toldja! Wouldn't you like to be a Toldja too?

I do not endorse this product

Have you ever wanted to sound like a annoying hack journalist who sleeps through important news, makes editorial decisions that look like a conflict of interest or "breaks" 25-year old, frequently-cited news?  Well, now you can with your very own TOLDJA! machine. (see below)

Working in cooperation with Hollywood private investigator Anthony Pellicano, the Temp Diaries has secured this very rare recording of Deadline's Nikki Finke uttering her catch phrase "TOLDJA!"  And through this special Internet-only offer, you can have it for the low price of...wait for it...FREE!

Having your own "TOLDJA!" machine can be fun in so many ways.  You can use to...

• Emphasize the end of every obvious sentence. (e.g., "Dancing with the Stars won the ratings last night.  TOLDJA!")
• Warn your boss that Darling Nikki or some other comparable "journalist" is nearing.  Kind of like a tornado siren but not as pleasant sounding.
• Scare off the pigeons that are congregating around your car.
• Cure your nasty case of the hiccups.
• Remove that pesky mildew that's building up in your shower.
• Demonstrate your ability to be more goddamn annoying than anyone else.

Try it.  Download it. There are thousands of uses.  What's your favorite?




Warning:  Side effects may include abdominal pain, agitation, anxiety, constipation, decreased sex drive, diarrhea or loose stools, difficulty with ejaculation, dizziness, dry mouth, fatigue, gas, headache, decreased appetite, increased sweating, indigestion, insomnia, nausea, nervousness, rash, pain, sleepiness, sore throat, tingling or pins and needles, tremor, vision problems and vomiting.  But none of this should be surprise.

Another Day In Hollywood: The One about Blake Lively

Copyright Infringement Theatre

Courtesy of Toothpastefordinner.com

Plug Me: Ben Greenman reading from his new book - Celebrity Chekhov

I wear my pince nez at night

The New Yorker editor and author Ben Greenman will be in Los Angeles reading from his upcoming Harper Perennial book, Celebrity Chekhov (which inserts popular entertainers into the stories of Anton Chekhov) and his most recent book, What He's Poised To Do (which the L.A. Times called "astonishing").  Or just buy the book.

Wednesday, October 6 
7:00pm - 8:30pm

Book Soup
8818 Sunset Blvd. (btw. Larrabee and Horn on the Sunset Strip)
Los Angeles

If you're interested in your own plug, send all the details to tempx@tempdiaries.com and you too might achieve Internet immortality.  [For more info about Plug Me, read this post.]

"My life in Hollywood sucks" - October Calendar

Think your experience in Tinseltown is worse than everyone else's? Tell me how on the "My Life In Hollywood Sucks Because..." entry. Your tale of woe might just make it to the monthly calendar.

[Ed. Note:  Some of you think I make too many references to sexual harassment and inappropriate behavior in Hollywood.  I only do so because...well...it exists.  I've seen it happen.  I've heard from people about their experiences.  I've seen job postings that sure seem odd.  Steve McPherson left ABC amidst a sexual harassment investigation.  And then there's Casey Affleck's recent settlement.  So if you wonder why I write about it, now you know.]

 

Headshot of the Week: Jennifer Riker

Welcome to my newest feature -- Headshot of the Week. Headshot of the Week is a way for actors to get their pictures and resumes in front of those hiring or looking for clients.  To be considered for Headshot of the Week, send a copy (.jpg or .pdf) of your headshot, credits and contact info to tempx@tempdiaries.com. I'll take it from there. Of course, be smart about what contact info you provide as this info will be out there for all to see. 

Today's candidate is Jennifer Riker.  She is represented by Avalon Artists Group [Theatrical] (323) 692-1700 and TGMD Talent Agency [Commercial] (323) 850-6767.