Ask Fake Ari Emanuel

Someone get me a footstool!

Welcome to the another edition of Ask Fake Ari Emanuel.*  Fake Ari (not to be confused with the real Ari Emanuel) will answer all of your questions because he's made it to the second highest level of Hollywood -- WME2.  And who knows? One of these days CAA might just hire him as a floater.  If you have any questions for Fake Ari, please send them to me at TempX@tempdiaries.com.

*Any similarity to any person living or dead is merely coincidental.  No animals were harmed during the writing of this posting.  Please don't sue me.

My shirt tells me what I am.

ANONYMOUS READER ASKS:  I'm a sophomore in college majoring in business and thinking about moving to LA after graduation to be an agent. Can you explain the process for becoming an agent at a big firm like CAA? Also, do you have any recommendations about getting an internship? I want to be an agent because I love movies and love Hollywood. This is one job I would do not because of the money and that's rare.  Please help. 

Yassir!  That's Arafat's mausoleum.

FAKE ARI EMANUEL RESPONDS:  Fuck you with your "big firm like CAA."  I'm We're the big cheese in this town.  Name one person on Entourage based on a CAA employee.  Right.  That's because there aren't any.  Oh, and you know why they call that place "The Death Star?"  Because that shack on Avenue of the Stars looks like an oversized mausoleum.  Now that we've established that you have no concept of what "target audience" means, I'll go on and answer your question.
 
Here's how you become an agent at big agencies like WME2 and whoever else you falsely consider important.  You first need to get hired as an assistant, mail room jockey or floater.  After kissing ass for a few months, apply to their agent-training program.  Provided they accept your pathetic ass, you'll probably get demoted to the mail room while learning the company inside and out.  You'll also take corporate training about agenting, and if I have anything to say about it, new curriculum like "Duplicitous Assholery 101" and "Self Importance for the Pathetic."  Once you pass these rounds of flagellation, you'll get upped (that's an industry word, look it up) to assistant, coordinator and then agent.  Somehow this whole process takes longer than law school and serves no purpose outside Los Angeles County.  But that's your problem.
 

Is this what it's come to?

As for your internship desires, you've made a big first step by publicly announcing your plans to work for free.  It's suckers eager young people like you that keep our costs down and depress wages for every assistant.  So apply for every gig you hear about.  If you can't get an internship with an agency now and can only find something with a production company or management firm, I wouldn't worry about it.  Anything industry-related on your resume will look good once you graduate.  Unless it's in porn or post-production. That stuff is useless.
 
Well newbie.  That's it.  If you don't think I answered your question.  Screw you.  There are 15 people behind you who think I did a great job and will flatter me endlessly.