Ask Fake Ari Emanuel

Fake Ari only looks like Real Ari

I frequently receive emails asking me all sorts of questions about the entertainment industry.  I'd love to answer them, but I feel like I'd be doing you a disservice.  As an unemployed Temp, anything I say would be as useless as asking soon-to-be-ex BP CEO Tony Hayward about contingency planning.  But luckily I have connections.

Welcome to the newest feature from the Hollywood Temp Diaries -- Ask Fake Ari Emanuel.*  Fake Ari (not to be confused with the real Ari Emanuel) will answer all of your questions because he's made it to the second highest level of Hollywood -- WME2.  And who knows? One of these days CAA might just hire him as a floater.  If you have any questions for Fake Ari, please send them to me at TempX@tempdiaries.com.

*Any similarity to any person living or dead is merely coincidental.  No animals were harmed during the writing of this posting.  Please don't sue me.

ANONYMOUS READER ASKS:  I went on an interview for an internship at a production company. I was really excited because the exec told me that it would turn into an assistant position if I did a good enough job.  After the first round, he said "You seem like a really good guy" and asked me if I could return later that day to meet with the producer. Due to commitments I could not break (a part-time, paying job), I could not, but would be able to the next day.  The exec said this was fine and he would probably have me come in early the next morning.

After work, I emailed the exec asking him if he needs me to come in tomorrow. He responds the next day, "Things suddenly got really busy we'll meet next week." The next week rolls around and I don't hear from him again. So I give him a call and a girl picks up (I immediately knew that meant the position had been filled).  When I ask for the exec, she puts me on hold for a moment and then tells me, "He just stepped out."

Any idea why someone would do this? What do you think I should do the next time?

Not Real Ari; Coffee-bean pooping monkey

FAKE ARI EMANUEL RESPONDS:  First of all, where's my coffee?  I've told you this a thousand fucking times, do not speak to me unless a) spoken to first, b) your name is Mark Wahlberg or c) you're buying me a $33 cup of that monkey crap Kopi Luwak coffee.  Jesus.  It's not that difficult.  Where did you go to college, the University of Stupid?

Ok plebe, I'm only gonna say this once because I have no time for your "woe is me" shit.  No one in this town cares that you have to pay rent or maybe you want to eat.  When a self-important exec says "Jump!" you say "How high, and can I get your lunch while I'm there?"  You know why?  Because there's a line of 15 people behind you willing to work for free.  I'm not sure how they afford it, but that's their problem.  All we execs need to do is dangle the mythical carrot of a "creative job" and you newbies will do anything.  Furthermore, we won't "hire" them unless they bring their own laptops.  This way the whole thing is free.  Pretty good business model, huh?

Oh.  Guess what?  You're hired.  Ok, now you're fired.  God that felt good.