2010 Drinking and Emmy blog along

Hi.

Welcome to the 2010 Drinking Fest and Emmy blog along.  Before we begin, please forgive me for any typos that may emerge.  The fact is I never took a typing class and if I should happen to get drunk, my typing/spelling/grammar may go right into the toilet.  So if the jokes cease to be humorous, or you can't make out what I'm talking about, just make up your own funnies.  Chances are it'll be better than what I've written.

Now for the Red Carpet pre-game:

Uh.  My eyes are up top.

Didn't take long for them to show Christina Hendricks enormous boobs.  In fact, they're so big they were the second and third shot of the broadcast.

Claire Daines looks like the unholy marriage between Martina Navratilova, Heidi Klum and a disco ball.  And she has the personality to match.

I can fly in this!

Jimmy Fallon's wife blends in with her burnt orange dress.  From a distance (and without my glasses) it's entirely possible that she's naked.  Or in a body suit.  Time to lay off the spray tan.

A couple boring interviews with the crazy lady with the bad hair and overactive uterus, January Jones (who was a pair of blue antennae away from being Mrs. The Tick) and the always dull Eva Longoria.  Five minutes of them saying absolutely nothing.  Commercial please?  And guess who they show again going to commercial?  Her royal Boobery -- Christina Hendricks.

The non-Billy Bush (Nate Berkus) correspondent has asked two different women what their bathroom floor looks like.  Every woman in Hollywood should file a restraining order against him.

This is as fancy as I get

I haven't even had a chance to pour a drink yet.  I'm getting twitchy.

No one has asked what I'm wearing.  But since I know you're all interested. I'm wearing white tube socks ($1) and a pair of Salvatore Ferragamo shoes ($10) that I got when CBS/Paramount sold everything the crew hadn't stolen once The Game got canceled.

Billy Bush just asked Matthew Morrison from Glee if he's ever "Gotten a Slushie in the face."  Is he asking him out on a date?

More to follow

Ok.  Time to pour me a drink.  Maker's Mark on the rocks.  Currently on sale at Rite Aid for $18 for 750 ml.  I had to splurge.  And since I didn't need to rent a tux for the night, I'm still gonna come out ahead.

Billy Bush said he didn't want to see Sophia Vergara naked.  Hmm.  See previous comment about Matthew Morrison.

Now for the style breakdown of "Hits" and "Ugly."  I just don't care. Kim Kardashian looks like she's an extra from the first version of Clash of the Titans.
 

Clash of the Kardashians

And now...on to the show!!

Oh no.  Here comes Jimmy Fallon.  Time for another drink.  It's the only thing that makes him funny.

They just started playing "Born to Run."  I hit mute immediately.  I need to get their version out of my head immediately if not sooner.  I know what'll dull that pain.  Nikki Finke.  Let's see what the old broad has to say?...Crap.  Nothing yet.  I wonder if she remembered?  Oh, the bit is over.  Will Jimmy put down the guitar?

And the winner for best supporting actor is...I'm picking red-haired guy from Modern Family?  Darn.  Blew it.  The fat guy won.  His speech was...oh who am I kidding?  I don't care what he says.  Every acceptance speech is basically the same,  "It's an honor to be nominated.  The writers are brilliant.  The crew, well, who knows what they do?  I have no idea what a gaffer is.  Just as long as the lights don't fall on my head, I'm happy."

The sexual chemistry between Sophia Vergara and Jim Parsons is...what's a number less than zero?  Modern Family won again.  I'm not sure what the category was because, to be perfectly honest, I was drinking.  And now I need to check on my $0.89 pizza.  Thank you Smart and Final.

Mee-ow!

I'd ask what Tom Hanks is doing at the Emmys as he hasn't been on TV in a zillion years, but I don't care that much.  Oh and where is Peter Scolari these days? [Update: He apparently single-handedly beat the Japanese in WWII]

People laugh at Jimmy Fallon out of pity.

Holy Crap!  Jim Parsons won!  He was a great neighbor, except for the times that he had raging parties that kept me up until the wee hours of the morning.  Hey Jim, tell Otis I said, "Hi."

Dammit.  Just realized the show's gonna drag on for another 2 hours.  Can't they speed this up?

Just checked in on Deadline Hollywood.  Neither interesting, nor funny.  Everything you've come to expect from Nikki Finke. Just waiting for things that are inaccurate to complete the puzzle.

E&Y doing their best.

And on to the reality TV portion.  Time to take the dog out for a dump.  What happened?  Can someone tell me what happened?  Time for another drink.

Hey, Ernst and Young is the accounting firm for the Emmys.  Let's not forget the incredible job they did for Lehman Bros. So who knows who really won?

Some woman just won for a show I never watch.  To be honest, I didn't know the Good Wife was still on.

I wonder if Bea Arthur is pissed about all the attention that Betty White is getting these days.  Wait?  Bea's dead?  Never mind.

I'm left alone with my thoughts.  Ugh.

Look!  Minorities!  And they let them on TV!

Jimmy Fallon singing again!  If I wasn't so drunk, I'd have hit the mute button quicker.

Women's drama.  I'm taking Mrs. Kevin Bacon.  Boo-ya!  Nailed it.  Now she's gonna thank the world.  And yes.  She did.

Can someone take the guitar away from Fallon?  Or just hit him over the head with it?  Where's Pete Townshend when you need him?

Oh, hey!  The Tony Awards won for whatever they won for.  A whopping 7.6 million people watched that show.  That's...how to put this politely...nothing.  Or in English, last week's rerun of The Mentalist last week drew 7 million.  How come they weren't nominated?

Ricky Gervais' beer delivery people just offered Matthew Perry a pint. He declined. Apparently they don't remember his stint in rehab.

Hint!

How much longer is this shit gonna go on?  Can I really survive another hour?  I doubt it.  I'm not drunk enough to skip out on it.  But I'm not sober enough to want to continue.

Jimmy Fallon plays guitar too?!  Wow.  Talk about a multi-hyphenate.

I knew John Krasinski was an idiot!  Look at the goddamn teleprompter!  It's in the same place it was in rehearsal.

The mini series portion.  Who knew they still existed?  It seems like they started playing David Strathairn off before he walked on the stage. Not a bad idea. 

Well, now for the part with the dead people.  The only ones who got any real applause were Gary Coleman and Dennis Hopper.  Hopefully next year better people will kick the bucket.

It bothers me when people say that making a movie or a TV show "takes courage."  It doesn't.  They take money.  That's all.  Money.  Courage is running into a burning building to save people.  Courage is maintaining public safety for low pay.  It's not tapping into a company with a $34 billion market cap.  Acceptance speech: Fail!

Notice that John Hodgmen didn't make fun of Claire Danes as he did for every other winner?   I only wish I knew why.

And now for the part where everyone gets annoyed.  Don't blame me.  I didn't write this. I didn't produce it.  I didn't direct it or act in it.  All I did was find it on the Internet.  So, if you're gonna be mad at anyone, be mad at Google.



I think Al Pacino is drunk.  Or perhaps it's me.  Someone is.  Luckily, the show will be done in 20 minutes.  Hopefully sooner.

Casting is everything

8 billion nominations and finally (!) The Pacific wins something.  Better than nothing.  In related news, Peter Scolari came in second for The Arctic. That's right.  Two Scolari references in the same blog.  Now I'll never speak of him again.

Quelle surprise!  Mad Men won.  Why bother tuning in?  Only one category left.  I'm not sure what it could be since they just did best drama.  This'll be fun.

Oh.  It's best Comedy Series.  Turns out it's Modern Family.  But you already knew that. Time to take the dog for a dump.