Today's Theme Song: "I'll Never Make It In Hollywood"

And now, to take one of the most annoying songs ever, Billy Joel's "We Didn't Start the Fire" and make it worse. It is my honor to present to you "I'll Never Make it in Hollywood." 


[Tip: For the musical accompaniment, hit the little play button directly below and start singing.]

Michael Eisner, Jersey Shore, Wipeout, NBC

Doing lunch, rhinoplasty, Reality TV

Ageism, sexism, any kind of other "ism"

405, 101, traffic everywhere

Cocaine, lotsa pot, Grey Goose and Zoloft,

Uppers, downers, in-and-outers, drugs are candy here

Marmaduke, Pluto Nash, Speed Racer, Heaven's Gate

Bombing on the silver screen. How do they get lit green?

I can't stand it in Hollywood

It's an awful cesspool

And it's worse than high school

I'll never make it in Hollywood

Cause my boobs are too small

And Ari won't take my call

Nikki Finke, Variety, THR and Defamer

Information everywhere, only some of it is true

Sucking up, kissing ass, playing nice, what a gas

So much to do to get ahead, I never studied this

South Beach diet, tae bo, no more carbs, throw out the dough

Anything to lose ten pounds. Is my ass looking fat?

YouTube skits. Please watch me. My mom says I am funny.

I need an agent can't you tell. Currently I am in hell.

I can't stand it in Hollywood

It's an awful cesspool

And it's worse than high school

I'll never make it in Hollywood

Cause my boobs are too small

And Ari won't take my call

The Death Star, Radford, Culver City, Burbank

Scenic as a truck stop south of Joliet

Remakes, re-releases, prequels, sequels

MBAs run this town, creativity is lost

Tax incentives, merchandise it, product placements subsidize it

Runaway production, Vancouver here I come.

Black List, Brown List, please hit me with your fist

I'm just kidding no I'm not. What'd I say? I forgot.

I can't stand it in Hollywood

It's an awful cesspool

And it's worse than high school

I'll never make it in Hollywood

Cause my boobs are too small

And Ari won't take my call

Call me Jules or Apple One, sitting home it is no fun

Rent is due, I have no food, unemployment's running out

Ten bucks an hour is my rate, uh oh, shit, I'm running late

No insurance, no overtime, I'm so poor it is a crime

Nepotism, Cronyism. Oh no a few more "isms"

I can't get hired for a job, I start to think I am a slob

I can't stand it in Hollywood

It's an awful cesspool

And it's worse than high school

I'll never make it in Hollywood

Cause my boobs are too small

And Ari won't take my call

First position, Overall, Honey Wagon, Rolling Calls

Pidgin English makes more sense than our gibberish

Entourage, Tilda, Fake it till you Make it

We write shows about ourselves, then tell you to watch

ICM, CAA, Paradigm and UTA

Managers, agencies, they all seem like pricks to me

 So much is wrong with Hollywood.  One day soon I'll leave for good.

Will this song end? Please be soon? I've been writing it since half past noon!

Repeat Chorus ad nauseam