Am I the only one who thinks it's weird...

...or is style icon Michael Jordan (see shaved head, baggy shorts, the shoes) trying to rock the Hitler mustache in his new Hanes commercial?

Facial Hair: Fail.

Unemployee of the Week -- Brooke Allen

Unemployee of the Week time again.  If you'd like to be considered, please send your resume (as a pdf) and a blurb about you to tempx@tempdiaries.com. [Note: Be smart with the contact info you make available as your resume will be posted for all to see.]

Today's candidate is Brooke Allen.  She is looking for work as a PA or writing PA on any show, or any kind of entry level assistant at production company. She's worked and interned for a number of entertainment companies including Larger Than Life Productions (Seabiscuit) and World of Wonder (Tori and Dean: Inn Love).  Please help Brooke out.  Thanks.

  

Bizarro Journalism with Nikki Finke

Hot on the heels of writing a headline without a story (31 days and counting), Darling Nikki has reached a new level of confused. 

I offer Exhibit A -- yesterday's story about The Hollywood Reporter hiring Us magazine editor Janice Min as their new editorial director.  So far this is fine.  Her Holiness decided to have one of her over-experienced underlings do a new hire announcements.  But then things start to get weird.

Nikki gives her oh-so-predictable "they suck" comment on this hire not to the publication she founded and made scads of money from, but to the Huffington Post.  The folks at Deadline are relegated to copying the quote and attributing it to the chick who plays an animated bear on The Cleveland Show.  That's right, Nikki won't even deign to discuss this news with her own media outlet. 

What gives?  You don't trust your reporters to quote you accurately?

Exhibit A.  Geez.  I spend one day at jury duty and I'm talking like a lawyer.

Guess who has to report for Jury Duty (at least for a day)?

ME!  So instead of writing about Hollywood inanities, I decided to make it viewer participation day.  Now it's time for a little fun...

Most of Hollywood is stupid.  Marmaduke the movie.  Dumb.  The Hills.  Also dumb.  Anything on VH-1.  Really Dumb.  But you can have a little bit of fun out here, especially when it comes to meeting your favorite celebs.

I am not one who gets star struck.  Not because I'm cool (I'm not).  But because I'm a narcissistic writer who thinks that actors are just puppets.  But then there was the time I met Mr. T.  I immediately became an excited 12-year old watching the A-Team debut after Super Bowl XVII.  We've all had those moments out here whether we wanted to or not.

So which celeb did you meet that made you just slightly giddy?  Post your answers in the comments below.  And wish me luck.  Maybe the trial will go on for a few months.

Random Thoughts (a.k.a Larry King Monday)

There are no Blacks or Asians in the movie Grease.  Not even extras.  None.  Zero.  Zilch.  Considering the movie takes place five years after Brown vs. Board of Education, this seems awfully weird.

I was correct on 65 percent of my predictions for new shows in the Fall 2009 line up.  The breakdown went as follows: CBS (3 of 4), CW (2 of 3),  Fox (2 of 2,) ABC (3 of 7) and NBC (3 of 4).  I wonder whether that would get me hired or fired as a network exec.

I am so bored at my job, I was actually excited when I got a summons for jury duty.  Sadly, it appears as if I will not get selected.  Back to the salt mines.

MacGruber, the movie inspired by Saturday Night Live skit, tanked this weekend with a $4.1 million take.  Why so low?  Because the target audience was still in diapers when subject of this parody first aired.  But is that really anything new that SNL doesn't understand their demo?  They're currently airing a sketch poking fun at the Lawrence Welk Show -- a program last broadcast in 1982.

Another Grease comment -- Rizzo has the longest gestation period of anyone ever.  She and Kenickie have unprotected sex during the opening weekend of school.  A week or two later -- at the drive in -- she whispers to Marty she's missed her period.  But it takes her until the carnival scene (which takes place at the AT THE END of the school year) to announce she's not preggers after all.  If I learned anything during sex education, she should have had her litter by then.

I have no interest in proving that one college can get a million fans on Facebook before another college.  I also don't care about using Facebook to get celebrities to quit smoking, to host Saturday Night Live or to do anything remotely political.  I use Facebook the way it was intended -- to revel in the fact  I'm in better shape and have more hair than most people I went to high school with.

No one should be allowed to do construction at 9 o'clock on a Sunday morning.  Especially if you live next door to me.

Next weekend will mark five years since moving to Los Angeles.  I wonder every day what the hell I was thinking.

Allergies suck.

Coming Soon: Plug Me

Hi folks.  Temp X here.  Hope all is well.  I'm in a chipper mood today because my boss is out of town.  I'm celebrating this hopefully stress-free day with an apple fritter and some coffee.  Plus it's the two-year anniversary of that fateful day when I started this blog.  Hooray for me.  And now on to the news of the day...

A lot of my readers (maybe even you) have side projects -- a band, comedy group, a play or other things -- that you hope will take you to the top of the Hollywood heap.  Sure, these are fun activities and great creative outlets.  But what you really want is to get discovered so you can make a living acting, singing or whatever it is you do.  I'm here to help.

I'm happy to announce my plans to launch a section of the Temp Diaries called "Plug Me."  This page will serve as a way for people to promote their upcoming performances, albums, books or whatever you're trying to do to make you famous.  Here's how it works:

• Send me the plug exactly as you want it to read, including relevant info like dates, address, price, contact information, websites, etc.
• Please keep your plug to around 50 words. I'm not gonna nit pick on word count.  But don't send pages of stuff and expect me to post them.  Keep it short, sweet and to the point.
• "Plug Me" will be updated the beginning of every month.  So if your performance is in July, please send me your plug in late June.  If you send it now, I'll end up forgetting about it and you'll probably hate me.

That's pretty much it.  Right now I'm just collecting stuff.  So send any plugs to tempx@tempdiaries.com and title your email "Plug Me."  If I have any questions, I'll let you know.  The site will go live in a couple weeks.

Thanks a bunch.  And keep on reading the site.

No posting today

I was watching Lost.  Only one more episode.  Then I'm relegated to watching whatever fat camp program NBC is airing these days.  Ugh.

This should fill your time adequately and be slightly more entertaining than the usual "Woes me" drivel.

Copyright Infringement Theatre

Courtesy of Toothpastefordinner.com

Welcome the newest member of the family -- Temp Z

Periodically I come up with a clever idea.  I'd like to think today is one of those days as I announce the hiring of Temp Diaries newest employee -- Temp Z.  Allow me to explain.

Hollywood executives are quickly becoming celebrities in their own right.  For example, Jason Trawick is no longer just a WME2 agent, he's Britney Spears' arm candy.  The same can be said of CAA's David Bugliari who recently married Alyssa Milano and CAA's John Campisi (who left his wife for Hilary Swank).  Heck, CBS reported quite the email allegedly sent to CAA's Mike Nilon (and his co-workers) from his displeased missus.  It's not just agents who make news either.  Who could forget police blotter material like former HBO head Chris Albrecht?  And there are countless more.  So the Temp Diaries hired its own columnist to focus on Hollywood executives and their shenanigans.  That man is Temp Z.

In what is obviously a shameless combination of Perez Hilton, Page 6 and TMZ, Temp Z will offer the latest dirt on these star-makers.  Now Temp Z is privy to a decent amount of gossip on his own.  But like any good columnist, he also needs his sources.  That could be you.  As you'll see below and in the left column -- there a place for anonymous news tips.  Just type in what you know and hit submit.  We'll take care of the rest.

Let the fun begin.

Unemployee of the Week -- David Hill

Welcome to the first of my ongoing Friday feature -- Unemployee of the Week.  If you'd like to be considered, please send your resume (as a pdf) and a blurb about you to tempx@tempdiaries.com. [Note: Be smart with the contact info you make available as your resume will be posted for all to see.]

Today's candidate, David Hill, sent his resume in less than two hours after the initial call.  So he must really need a gig.  Please help him out.  Thanks.

I am currently have two internships -- one with the TheWrap.com and with Cindy Cowan Entertainment (Very Bad Things, Dr. T and the Women). I am looking for work as a full-time office assistant or personal assistant. Thanks for your consideration.

 

And now a posting for all the single ladies...

"Sex discrimination involves treating someone (an applicant or employee) unfavorably because of that person’s sex."

United States Equal Employment Opportunity Commission

It is with this as background that I offer one of my favorite parts about Hollywood, the job posting that requests gender.  Now I'm not a labor lawyer.  So I will not suggest that I know all the legal minutia that can be debated on this matter.  But it seems a little hinkey when a job posting (and this one is hardly a rarity) can read like the one I saw this morning.  I have posted a slightly redacted version of it for your review.  I don't want to get sued either...

I need to find a replacement for myself on [Executive's name redacted] desk. He and I would like to fill the position fairly quickly... If you have any names (females preferred, please)* of people who you'd like to recommend, I'd rather take direct referrals than put it on the job list...Resumes can come directly to me at [email redacted].

And for all you unemployed gentlemen, if you're interested in gender reassignment surgery, here's a list of costs.  That said, I'm not really sure it's worth it.

*Emphasis, mine.

You incomplete me: Iron Man 2 (Spoiler Alert)

I feel incompleted

The $100 million marketing campaign for Iron Man 2 has been a rip-roaring success.  The movie, which I quite enjoyed, has already grossed more than $300 million.  And that's after only five days!  But one thing I'm a little ticked about is the much-promised wink to Jerry Maguire that didn't make the final cut. 

For anyone who hasn't seen the ad (Let's be honest, if you missed it, you probably don't have electricity or running water.  So you'll never see this posting anyway.) Tony Stark jumps off the roof and nonchalantly says to Miss Mumbles (Gwyneth Paltrow) "You complete me" before flying away.  Sadly, this very clever line didn't make the final version of the movie.  I can see why it got cut because it would have changed the tone of the scene.  But darn it, color me slightly disappointed anyway.

Unemployee of the Week

Can't find a job no matter how hard you try?  Wondering if you'll ever see a paycheck again?  Not fond of dining on cat food?  As usual, the Temp Diaries is here to help. 

I'm happy to announce my newest feature -- Unemployee of the Week.  Starting this Friday and for every Friday until there's 0% unemployment, I will post a resume from one of my jobless fans directly on the Temp Diaries site.  Because a bunch of people look at my site, the hope is that someone in a position to hire will call one of the UOWs in for an interview.

So here's what I need from you.  If you want to be considered for the Unemployee of the Week, please send a copy of your resume to me (pdf only) with a little blurb about the type of work you're looking for.  That's pretty much it.  I'll post it on my site, you'll get a job and the economy will be saved.  Now I know there are weirdos out there.  So be smart about what contact info you list.  You may want to only post an email address, MyFace account or whatever the kids are using these days.

I will post resumes in the order received.  So get them in early.  Good luck!

And now, for no particular reason, Alice in Chains.

Rex will not be on your TV for long

Temp X recently went to Las Vegas for a weekend of fun and frivolity.  I did not gamble, but I did make $15 dollars along the way.  Now I will tell you how.

Before any show goes on the tube (or flat screen or whatever you're watching it on these days) it goes through a series of focus groups.  This is where networks pay to find out what people outside the Hollywood bubble think of their show.  On my recent trip I was one of these people.  The show was the NBC pilot REX IS NOT YOUR LAWYER.

Trust me.  It's a really big sign.

To be fair, no one is supposed to know it's an NBC program.  But I was tipped off by the series of 20-foot high posters promoting shows like 30 Rock, Law and Order and Biggest Loser guarding the entrance.  So after telling them I don't work for a network (I don't) or an ad agency (nope), I was ushered into a room that was so distinctly Vegas.  For it was a meeting room in the Excalibur that looked like the inside of a German Beer Hall.  But instead of mammoth steins of beer awaiting me, each seat had a computer.  It is here those like me would watch a lengthy tutorial on holding down the Green Button if we liked what happened or the Red Button if we didn't.  They also asked questions like "What shows do you watch?" and "How much money do you make?"  After about 15 minutes of interminable questions, the show began.  I only wish it hadn't.

REX IS NOT YOUR LAWYER is a show about a hard-charging attorney who suffers from paralyzing panic attacks.  His doctor tells him he better stop practicing before these attacks kill him.  But rather than quit lawyering, Rex decides to use his legal skills to help those who choose to defend themselves.  It's basically Cyrano de Bergerac as a lawyer.  And frankly, it's as shitty as it sounds.

The show stars David Tennant as Rex, the aforementioned angst-filled barrister, Jeffrey Tambor as his psychiatrist, Jane Curtin as his mom and Jerry O'Connell as his soon-to-be ex friend.  It's basically a cast filled with second-choice talent to complement the second-rate idea.

I slogged through the show depressing the Red Button probably with 10 times the frequency of the my activity on the Green Button.  When the show got to the point of unwatchability, I took advantage of what I call the "nuclear option" -- that is hitting the Space Bar indicating when I would have changed the channel.  For the record I think I waited about 12 minutes to do that.

At the end of the show, they asked even more market research questions about viewing habits, rating characters on a scale of 1-10, etc.  But the fun part was the essay portion where I just got to tell them what exactly I liked or didn't like about the show.  Following are my answers to those questions.

WHY DID YOU RATE THE PROGRAM AS POOR?

There are only two decent actors on the show -- Jeffrey Tambor and the ex-fiancee (I don't know her name).  The main character is an odd combination of a young Martin Sheen and Jim Carrey and frankly it's just really distracting.  His female assistant doesn't have a well-defined role.  She' just sort of eye candy.  And Mabel couldn't look more like Aretha Franklin if she tried.  But the biggest problem goes beyond the casting, the basic premise is just kinda dopey.  I don't have any attachment to Rex.  I don't find myself rooting for him.  And I don't really understand his motivations -- including why he remains friends with Jerry O'Connell (who begins dating Rex's ex-fiancee).

PLEASE TELL US WHY YOU CHOSE TO TURN OFF THE PROGRAM WHEN YOU DID.

It was boring.  The product placements for Apple (at least 5) and the Westin (at least 2) were too noticeable and distracting.  There were one too many coincidences (therapist dating the mother, best friend dating ex-fiancee), plus Rex's constant over acting and prancing around seemed inconsistent with the type of character he was.  High-powered lawyers aren't the type of people who (at least stereotypically) prance around and decided to lay in the swimming pool in a $1000 suit.  It's almost like they decided to see how absurd they could make the character.  In Ally McBeal the writers and directors got the joke.  Not the same thing here.

As you can tell, I gave it a POOR rating.  I was in no way influenced by the guy in front of me who also gave it a POOR.

The irony of the whole thing is I drove six hours (stupid traffic) to do what I wanted to do here -- help networks develop shows.  To add insult to injury, I made more there for an hour's work than I do here.  Time to move.

To the Ladies and Gentlemen of the Class of 2010...

I was recently asked to give the commencement address to the 2010 graduates of Emerson College. This is a decent honor (like most Emerson students, UT-Austin was my first choice), but I accepted it anyway.  In the process of writing this speech, I realized Hollywood execs are smarter than first thought.  Turns out it's much easier to remake something than it is to start from scratch.  

Following is a transcript of that address... 

Ladies and Gentlemen of the Class of 2010:

Sunscreen sucks.

If I could offer you only one tip for your future in Hollywood, skip the sunscreen. The short-term perks of a tan -- the healthy glow, tantalizing bikini lines -- have been proven time and again. The rest of my advice has no basis more reliable than my own meandering experience. I will dispense this nonsense now.

Sleep around.

It's fun. Everyone in Hollywood is good looking. When poolside at the Roosevelt, tell the model wannabe next to you that you're a producer on CSI: Miami. Then see what happens. Bottle service helps.

Vomit.

There's no better way to keep your body in shape than doing abdominal crunches while talking on the Porcelain telephone.

Be jealous.

This town is full of people who get things they don't deserve. Some day, that person might be you. And then you can look down on the masses and mock them.

Keep your old bank statements. Throw away your love letters. Only one of these is beneficial in divorce court.

Smoke cigarettes.

Parliament Lights. Marlboro Lights. Camel Lights. Any of them act as a fantastic appetite suppressant. Smoking makes you cool and it looks great on film. But don't smoke pot because it'll make you hungry.

Plagiarize.

Just tell everyone that your script is an homage to Chayefsky's Network, not a scene by-scene redo. (But hire a good lawyer just in case.)

Buy knee pads.

Maybe you'll marry, maybe you won't. Maybe you'll have an affair with the boss and get promoted. Maybe you'll accidentally get knocked up and have to have an abortion which your boss will put on his corporate AmEx and make you file the expense report. Maybe he'll go back to his wife because he can't afford a divorce in a communal property state especially in this economy.

Love is a relative term.

Whatever you do, don't ever stop self promotion. The key to success in Hollywood is convincing others of how great you are, even if it's not true.

Enhance your body.

If you see something sagging, bagging or dragging, it's best to nip it, tuck it and suck it. If God didn't want you to get plastic surgery, he wouldn't have invented Dr. 90210.

Lap Dance.

Because it pays more than temping and you'll meet more Hollywood executives that way.

Read the directions.

Because your boss's iPhone won't program itself.

Read fashion magazines. Inner beauty is for ugly people.

Get to know your parents. Because once you become a big Hollywood star, you'll blow them off in favor of partying at the Playboy mansion.

Be nice to your siblings. They've got dirt on you that they'll happily to sell to the National Enquirer if you screw them over.

Understand that Hollywood friends come and go because if they can't do anything for you, they're not worth your time. Plus it takes way too long to get from Santa Monica to Los Feliz.

Live in Hollywood once, but leave before you get stupid. Live in Burbank once, but leave before you get bored.

Drink heavily.

Accept certain inalienable truths. Reality programs are here to stay. Movie studio execs are mostly lazy. And when you do, you'll fantasize that when you were young, TV shows had scripts and some movies weren't remakes.

Suck up.

Nothing will get you further in Hollywood than kissing ass. Differentiate yourself by ass kissing in different ways such as the Spider-man Kiss ("You produced Spider-man 3? I love when Mary Jane sings!") and the French Canadian Kiss (It's like a regular kiss, but without union difficulties and with a better exchange rate.)

Find someone to support you. Maybe they have a trust fund. Maybe...oh it's probably a trust fund. But hold on with a vice grip because it's easier than working.

Use hair extensions because they look completely natural. Make sure you use a nice epoxy when installing them.

Advice is a way to helping others. Don't offer it. Dispense "recommendations" that won't work, because you don't want someone younger and with a higher, firmer butt passing you on the final lap.

But trust me on the sunscreen.

"My life in Hollywood sucks" - May Calendar

Think your experience in Tinseltown is worse than everyone else's? Tell me how on the "My Life In Hollywood Sucks Because..." entry. Your tale of woe might just make it to the monthly calendar.

(FYI - Memorial Day is May 31.)