Earth Day 2010

Happy Earth Day.  Today we celebrate the big blue marble we live on.  Yippie!  It's a party the whole world can enjoy!  If I understand this correctly, Earth Day makes Mardi Gras look like an episode of Lawrence Welk Show.

Uh oh. I just turned on the TV and Al Gore was droning on while showing a PowerPoint presentation about saving our fragile planet.  I guess this won't be as much fun as I thought.

Anyhoo.  Here are some tips on preserving our natural resources and beautifying the 3rd rock from the sun until we inevitably get crushed by a giant asteroid as foretold in the movie Armageddon...

Don't Litter: When your boss throws the phone at you, put it where it belongs -- the garbage. [By "it" I mean your boss.  The phone might be worth something.]

Conserve Paper: Not printing out all of your boss's emails saves five trees a year.  Plus it's stupid.

Reduce Electronic Waste:  Our landfills are fast becoming loaded with mercury-leaking, lead-coated electronic devices.  Convince your boss she doesn't need an iPad to replace the Kindle she for Christmas.  Remind her that "All the other agents have one" is not reason enough to want one.

Conserve Water: Car washes are a tremendous waste of water.  Remind your boss that every time he makes you take his BMW 750i to the car wash, that's another 200 gallons that could be better used on...anything. 

Save Toner: While not technically a natural resource, you can reduce toner consumption by reminding your boss that it's not necessary to make two back up version of every script that crosses the transom.

Reduce Bandwidth Consumption: Probably also not a natural resource, but your boss might not know that.  Tell him that not sending you emails from 8 p.m. - 8 a.m. lowers the harmful Omicron-wave emissions and can save the whales.  It's all bullshit, but it sounds good. 

Grow a Plant: Plants use carbon dioxide during photosynthesis.  The more plants we have, the better it is for the earth's atmosphere.  Grow pot in your apartment.  Sell it to supplement your income or smoke it to reduce stress.  You pick.

Conserve Gas: Avoiding work entirely save 300 gallons of gas and nearly $1,000 each year.