Text Message Movie Review -- Twilight: New Moon

While my true identification remains a secret to most of you, the one hint I can give you is I'm not a 14-year old girl. This explains why I hadn't seen Twilight or Twilight: New Moon or any of the derivative sexy vampire movies or TV shows until last night. But with nothing else to do and a bootleg DVD of the box office smash (complete with Arabic subtitles), I decided to dive right in and experience the phenomenon.

As the movie began, I quickly became confused. I wondered how it's possible this movie made $700 million. I mean it's awful. So I started sending text messages to the friend who let me borrow the movie. Later, I realized that what I'd done was written an unintentional review. So, if you haven't seen New Moon, or want to know what I think of it, here it goes...

9:39 pm - Twilight: New Moon is cinematic garbage. Dreadful really.

9:41 pm -- I'm not even sure there's a script. I think they just made the whole thing up.

9:46 pm -- There's not yet a plot. And I've watched 20 minutes of it.

9:48 pm -- I'm not sure why he's (Edward) dumping her (Bella). I honestly don't know what prompted it.

9:49 pm -- And the music is frighteningly melodramatic. To the point of being embarrassing.

9:51 pm -- Why are they always in the forest? Are there no streets or sidewalks in this town?

9:53 pm -- This movie feels like what I imagine an After School Special in Germany might be.

10:14 pm -- It feels like I'm watching a bunch of dailies cobbled together in no particular order. And that any scene could be switched around with little consequence to the story.

10:26 pm -- And the winner for worst CGI/special effects is...Twilight: New Moon. [Ed. Note: This was during the first appearance of the coyotes, which looked like a feral version of the cast of the Country Bear Jamboree.]

10:32 pm -- The logical progression for Bella's love life: Vampire, over sized wolf, secret parakeet.

10:40 pm -- Quote of the movie "You're not the first monsters I've met." (Soon replaced by "Jacob's kind of a werewolf.")

10:50 pm -- It seems to have a pro-suicide and pro-abstinence message. I'm so confused.

11:10 pm -- When did vampires start dressing like mimes?