How to make your boss nice -- if only for a few days

It's come to my attention that one of the reasons Hollywood execs can be tremendous assholes they're having problems in the bedroom. Or more accurately put -- they really need to get laid.

Every egomaniacal nitwit who ever moved here to be an entertainment executive came, in part, because of the promise of having tons of sex with beautiful people. That promise doesn't come true for everyone for a variety of reasons (e.g., marriage, underwhelming private parts). This leads to anger, resentment and hostility. Or as we barnacles know it, our boss being moody.

While we can't make these ogres more charming, attractive or smart, we can at least try to get them back in the saddle. So following are some ideas on ways to get your boss off your back and on to someone else's...


Your boss is single and not getting any: This is the hardest scenario because there's probably a good reason your boss can't find a date. Start by setting general meetings for your overlord with the good looking aspiring actor/actress you met at a mixer. (Oh and, true or not, mention how they make extra cash doing nude modeling.) The talent will arrive hoping this is their big break. Your boss, on the other hand, will spend 30 minutes to use this opportunity to test out the casting couch. If it works, your boss mellows out for a few days. He/she might even reward you with that long-promised 2 percent raise.


Your boss is married but not getting any: This one requires you to play Cupid for the struggling couple. First, call Moe's Flowers and expense the priciest calla lily arrangement [NYC residents: Use Ovando, the preferred florist of the 4 Seasons.] Then write an exceedingly romantic poem to accompany the flowers. If you're having trouble thinking of something loving (likely because you work too much to date), check out Links2Love.com and plagiarize your favorite Pablo Neruda piece. The old "Ball and Chain" will think it's the sweetest gesture ever. Your boss will be too busy getting lucky (and too embarrassed) to admit he/she didn't buy the flowers in the first place.


Your boss is married and having an affair but still not getting any: An expensive, but solvable problem. Come in to work one day grinning from ear to ear. When your boss wonders why you're happy for once, say you bought your significant other a nice present from Tiffany's, Best Buy, etc. and...well...you spent the rest of the weekend doing the Horizontal Bop. This ought to kick your boss's brain into action. If not, be slightly more overt and tell your boss that his/her f-buddy was telling you how much they want a (insert $500-$1000 product here). The corporate card takes care of the rest.