She's apparently upset that LAT is trying to copy her, but doing a bad job of it. Only Nikki is allowed to run old news as she did during the Conan/NBC Spat.
True professionals run really old, previously reported news. This year-old shit is for amateurs.
Wow. That was some first day of the Bennies. I haven't had that much fun since recording the Director's Commentary on the Mr. Saturday Night DVD. And did you see the write ups on Movieline and TheWrap? The Bennies are almost as popular as Comic Relief, and twice as funny.
I'd like to thank The Academy, my lord and savior Jesus Christ and my...wait. Why are you pointing at the cue cards? I don't understand. What are you writing down? You...Didn't...Win...You're... Just...Presenting? Oh, ha. Whoops. Right, I knew that. I'm just a little dim sometimes. So the nominees for Worst Actress are: Jenna Elfman for Accidentally on Purpose, Courtney Cox for Cougar Town, Ellen Pompeo for Grey's Anatomy, Arianna Huffington for The Cleveland Show and Ashlee Simpson for Melrose Place.
And the Golden Trashcan goes to...Ashlee Simpson. Accepting for Ms. Simpson's award is the creator and Executive Producer of Saturday Night Live, Mr. Lorne Michaels.
Thank you so much. This is such an honor to be among...Thank you so much. This is such an honor to be among...Thank you so much. This is such an honor to be among...Hmm. Something must be wrong with backing vocals. I'll dance around now and hope this awkward moment passes.Thank you Lorne. Remember when SNL was funny. Back in the good old days when it was Chevy and Bill Murray and Belushi and...Wait a second...I was a series regular. Doesn't anyone remember my catch phrase, "You Look Marvelous?" Perhaps a little refresher course as you sit back and enjoy my next musical number? And a one. And a two and a you know what to do...I really am a triple threat aren't I? Like me, our next presenter is also a triple threat. You might catch a venereal disease from any one of her orifices. Ladies and gentlemen, the star of...well I can't read any of these titles...Ms. Jenna Jameson.
Ni furaha kuwa hapa. Mimi nadhani wewe hawakujua kwamba mimi aliongea Kiswahili. Lakini mimi kufanya. Porn stars si matiti tu na butts. Sisi ni watu akili stahili heshima yako.
And the Golden Trashcan goes to...the only three men in the world who haven't seen my naughty bits -- The Jonas Brothers! The Jonas Brothers couldn't be here tonight because it's past their 8 o'clock curfew. So I accept this award on their behalf.
Now I met our final presenter in gym class at Bayview High School in Long Island. She threw a dodge ball faster than Sandy Koufax on Yom Ha'atzmaut. Ladies and gentlemen, the host of Yenta -- the semi-successful website for aspiring filmmakers -- Yenta X.
Oy. I'm verklempt. So nervous. My pupik hasn't felt like this since I ate that rotten lox at the Rosenstein's Break Fast. Anyway, it's been a terrible year in scripted TV. Jenna Elfman is back in Knocked Up: The TV Series. The Beautiful Life: TBL had a most unbeautiful run of two episodes before getting circumcised off The CWs fall line up. And Hank. Gevalt! I've had nail appointments that have lasted longer than that show.
Well, enough of this mishegas, the nominees for Worst Scripted Program are: Accidentally on Purpose, Eastwick, The Forgotten,The Beautiful Life: TBL and Melrose Place.
Where am I? This isn't Hyde, Skybar, Element, Mood or Area, is it? Who are all you people? Can I bum a smoke? Please?Security. Can you show the lovely lady to her manacles? Yikes. I haven't seen anything go that wrong that quickly since I wrote My Giant -- or as I like to call it -- the highlight of Gheorghe Muresan's acting career.
Hello and welcome to the 2009 Bennie Awards -- the first award show recognizing the worst in television. My name is Billy Crystal. You might remember me from...hey, I haven't done anything of note since Analyze That. And that was in 2002! Someone get me Jimmy Darmody at CAA.
Hey Michael, now that Vampires are all rage, I've got more opportunities than I can handle. Kinda like you were before Year One tanked.
The nominees for Worst Reality/Non-Scripted Personality (Female) are: Daisy for Daisy of Love, Heidi Montag for The Hills, Jillian Michaels for The Biggest Loser, Kim Kardashian for Keeping Up with the Kardashians and Snooki for Jersey Shore.
I just want to thank like fucking everybody from Jersey, my like Juice Head roommates, all you sluts and like everyone at MTV. Fuck yeah! Jersey bitches! Oh, and to that guy who punched me, I hope you're getting it in the ass right now. Ok! Time for Jägerbombs!
Thank you Snooki. I have a second cousin named Snooki. Snooki Schwartzbaum. Equally classy lady. She's at Rikers serving 25-to-life.
Gracias. Escupo en usted perros capitalistas americanos. Y los candidatos para el peor Star de Realidad (Varón) es: Jay Leno para The Jay Leno Show, Jimmy Kimmel para The Jimmy Kimmel Show, Jon Gosselin para Jon y Kate más ocho, Mike "El Situation" para el Shore de Nueva Jersey y Spencer Pratt para Los Hills.
¡Y el ganador del Trashcan de oro es… Jay Leno! El aceptar para Jay Leno es el líder anterior de la venda Tonight Show y Jay Leno Show que ahora es "fruncir otras oportunidades, " Kevin Eubanks.
Jay, I always hated you. Every laugh, every chortle, chuckle or giggle I ever made represented my wanting to stab you with a pitchfork. Branford Marsalis was the smart one. I was the fool. I only wish you pain and misery for the rest of your natural life. And I used to spit in your coffee.
And I always thought Kev was a non-threatening black man like Will Smith, Urkel or Queen Latifah. Well, this is a perfect transition to my favorite part of the evening -- the musical number. No award show is complete without me -- Billy Crystal -- honoring the biggest entertainment story of the year. So, while my SAG card is still valid...I've still got it! I bet the Oscar producers are wondering why they went with Martin and Baldwin instead of yours truly. Well, there's always next year. Now to wrap up Day One of the Bennies, I'm please to bring out the stars of Point/Counter Point -- Dog X and Sophie.
Hey Sophie, I've got a joke for you. How many executive producers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
The Golden Trashcan goes to...damn if I only had opposable thumbs this would go a lot quicker...The Jay Leno Show! Accepting the award for The Jay Leno Show is NBC-Universal President and CEO Jeff Zucker!
As we at NBC have said before, Mr. Leno performed as expected. This performance was all part my desire to be a more profitable No. 2 or 3 than a less-profitable No. 1. And I'm sure with new shows like The Marriage Ref, Minute To Win It and Who Do You Think You Are? we will continue to perform as expected. Now if there was only a way to get back that $40 million from that nogoodnik Conan.
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hey man,
just wanted to say thanks for all your good work. i just started a new job that you posted just a week ago. it's been a hard 16 months, but you got me through.
[Name Redacted]
It was with little fan fare that MTV changed their logo, hacking the "Music Television" portion off the iconic image. This should come as no surprise to anyone, as MTV hasn't shown a music video since the second Clinton administration. Their programming today consists of teenage mothers, silly dating shows and, their new programming sensation, The Jersey Shore. But regardless, for those of us who fondly recall going over to Jon Kasem's house and watching Yo! MTV Raps, this was a major event.
THE DEADLINE IS JUST A FEW DAYS AWAY. VOTE NOW BEFORE IT'S TOO LATE.
The Bennies pay homage to Hollywood's king of bad programming decisions -- former NBC Head Ben Silverman -- the architect of the failed Jay Leno prime time experiment as well as Knight Rider, Kath & Kim and countless others. It's also no small coincidence that "Bennies" is slang for Benzedrine (a drug I believe some Hollywood execs were on when they greenlit shows like Eastwick and The Beautiful Life: TBL).
I've done a lot of things for you while running this blog. I've gotten drunk watching the Golden Globes. I've 
While I don't like it, in fact I despise it, I've come to expect a certain amount of product placement in today's programming. But the piston-whip commercialism of Thursday's episode merited further investigation.
Brought to you by the Use Stanley More Foundation.
It seems like just yesterday I was a wee Temp making wee money and starting a wee website to help entertain those like me. Well, that was 500 postings ago. I've since grown into a full-fledged assistant making wee money. And as for the website, we'll I'm the purveyor of such new Hollywood institutions and The Brown List, Celebs: They're just like us only better looking and dumber and the upcoming Bennie Awards. For all of these fun things, there's one feature that always draws a crowd, when I mock Nikki Finke.-- The Temp Diaries scoops Nikki thrice in eight days. That's right. I used the word "thrice." And better yet, I used it correctly.Well, that concludes the first 500 from the Temp Diaries. I appreciate all of your support over the past two years. You've been a wonderful audience. Don't forget to tip your waitress. And more importantly...
-- Nikki sends me hate mail. Big mistake. [Tip: Never send an under-employed Temp hate mail. This is a battle you have no chance of winning. Not because I'm smarter, but because you're dumber.]
-- Nikki Finke believes the WWE announcement that they're selling one of their shows to Donald Trump. No word on whether Hollywood's Grand Dame understands that the Easter Bunny and Santa Claus don't really exist.
-- Nikki forgets Katie Couric's high-profile departure from NBC in 2006, runs a picture of Katie as an NBC family member in 2009. If form holds, Darling Nikki will figure out Conan O'Brien got the boot sometime in 2013...assuming the world is around that long. Thanks Mayans.
-- Nikki "confirms" a Financial Times report that Paramount, Sony and Fox were discussing something about home video. It's doubtful that the FT was seeking your blessing on their content. And then someone got to her said you better not call this stuff "collusion" unless you can prove it.
...and finally, the best Nikki Finke Fuck Up...
-- Nikki gets scooped by most of the Internet on Ben Silverman's ousting. In what was only the biggest entertainment industry story of 2009, the $14 Million Woman was no where to be found. Her excuse, "I was fast asleep," choosing to ignore her frequently ringing phone.
About six months ago I was working at the TV production arm of a major studio when my boss asked me to make multiple copies of a script they were sending over to FOX."No big deal," I thought to myself. After nearly four years of Temping, a former career in marketing and 16 years of schooling, I had a pretty firm grasp of how to make copies. Just point me in the direction of the Xerox machine and I'm all set.
So for maybe 10 minutes I watched as the machine flawlessly did its thing. Twelve copies of a 60+ page script, warm to the touch and as pretty as they'll ever be. Mission accomplished.
I drop the scripts off with my boss and return to the sightly more interesting task of editing my script or writing my blog or reading Entertainment Weekly. After no more than a few minutes, she arrives at my desk.
"I need you to do these over again," she says matter-of-factly.
"Was there something wrong them?" I reply.
"Yes. Well, no. We can't use these." She proceeded to explain that FOX only accepts scripts with print on both sides. It's part of their effort to be more eco-friendly. She'd thrown out the first copies and asked me to make a new, double-sided batch.
I considered suggesting this wastes even more paper. But in Hollywood you learn that sometimes it's just easier to go along with the inanity.
