Year One

It's been a year since I named myself King of Hollywood. For those of you who don't remember or are new to this blog, I led a bloodless coup filling the power vacuum left by the death of Johnny Grant.

During year one of my reign, I attempted to implement a series of bylaws that would govern all of Hollywood's assistants (e.g., mandatory health insurance, paid vacation, opportunities for growth) as well as recommendations on programming/film making (e.g., no more televised fat camps, remakes, hidden camera shows). Turns out my efforts to restore order to the system failed miserably. For that, I can only say I'm sorry.

Hollywood execs defied my orders while greenlighting compelling programming like I Get That A Lot, Mall Cops: Mall of the Americas and Kurosawa-inspired films like Alvin and the Chipmunks: The Squeakquel and All About Steve. I guess that's why I'm an unemployed Temp and they're making millions. It could be worse. At least no one decided to remake classics like Slap Shot or East of Eden...wait...they did? Uh oh.

On the employee rights end, I blew that too. My unwanted absence from full-time employment has placed me desperately out of touch with my target audience. Luckily entertainment execs have their finger on the pulse (or is it foot on the throat?) of Hollywood's underclass. They recognize my fellow hourly cogs would prefer not worry about complicated things like doctor co-pays, employer matches or PTO. They know we prefer simple things like second-tier swag from Couples Retreat and complimentary, single-serving oatmeal.

So we start 2010 anew. Tabula Rasa. A newly shaken Etch a Sketch. 2009 is in the rear view mirror and we're full-steam ahead in a new decade. It is my goal to be a better King this year. For together we can forge a new Hollywood. One that is original and not some Vampire-based derivative. One where we don't have toil through an unpaid internship for six months before getting probationary employment. And lastly, one that sells my blog to the highest bidder! I too deserve $14 million for semi-accurate ramblings about Hollywood.

Happy New Year. Hopefully we'll all get jobs this time around.

(I've been drinking a little. In my defense, it worked for great writers like Tennessee Williams, Ernest Hemingway and Hunter S. Thompson.)