Fall TV Preview: The CW

And now, more from the Hollywood Temp Diaries Fall TV preview...

The CW

VAMPIRE DIARIES
SUMMARY: Semi-naked twenty-somethings (playing high school freshmen) biting each other.
ANALYSIS: Vampires are all the rage (True Blood, Twilight, Glenn Beck). Diaries are hip too (Nanny Diaries, Julie and Julia and...ahem...me). Expect lots of mood lighting, pale skin and tight clothes. Are these people vampires or heroin addicts?
PREDICTION: The "me too" programming that is the cornerstone of CW's philosophy means this show will last until a year after the last Twilight movie is released. So I give the Vampire Diaries three to four years. Plus, what else is the CW gonna air? America's Next Top Model and its reruns already constitute one-fifth of their schedule.


THE BEAUTIFUL LIFE: TBL
SUMMARY: A clown in a Nazi death camp as a TV show? Oh, wait. It's a show about the "tortured lives" of models from with Ashton Kutcher serving as executive producer. Same basic idea.
ANALYSIS: Are we being Punk'd? I can offer a semi-informed opinion of this show as I heard -- but didn't see -- part of it yesterday. It sounded awful. Elle McPherson (as much I would like to be her boy toy, house husband, fling, etc.) can't act. But neither can anyone else on the show. I'm actually convinced most of the cast can't even read.
PREDICTION: Remember Models Inc.? That's ok because I do. It lasted a full season before getting the Manolo Blahnik. TBL won't make it that long. On the plus side, that means Elle's schedule is gonna be wide open. (Call me.)


MELROSE PLACE
SUMMARY: Blah blah blah sexy neighbors date blah blah Michael schemes blah blah blah will Heather Locklear return?
ANALYSIS: I'm pretty certain that the marketing budget for MP: 2009 exceeds their production budget. One the one-mile stretch of Melrose Ave. between La Brea and Fairfax, I counted at least 17 billboard-sized ads for the show. I also counted five "knock-off" ads for some realtor who sells places in the area.
PREDICTION: I blew it on the 90210: 2008 prediction last year. Well there's an old saying in Tennessee — I know it's in Texas, probably in Tennessee — that says, fool me once, shame on — shame on you. Fool me — you can't get fooled again. At least three seasons...and Heather Locklear will return.