The Dog Days of Television

The "Dog Days of Summer" are upon us. The insufferable heat makes it impossible to go outside and the crap on TV makes you not want to stay inside. Chances are you'll flip on the air conditioner and the TV will win. So here's what you have to look forward to on the tube tonight...

[Note: The summaries are copied verbatim from TVGuide.com]

Who Wants to Be A Millionaire -- 8 pm (ABC) -- Lauren Conrad competes for charity; Cokie Roberts is the expert lifeline.
[Temp X says: Which is more likely -- Lauren Conrad uses all her lifelines on the first question or that Cokie Roberts has no idea who Lauren Conrad is?]

Wipeout -- 9 pm (ABC) -- Sweeper Wall, Blue Ball Run and Dodge Ball Beam Walk are some of the obstacles faced by the contestants, which include a deputy sheriff, a male nurse and an Irishman.
[Temp X says: What has this world come to? They let the Irish on TV now?]

TV's 50 Funniest Phrases -- 8 pm (NBC) -- Conclusion. Television's wittiest catchphrases are listed in a countdown program featuring clips and interviews with the stars who delivered the memorable expressions.
[Temp X says: In order for this to be the "Conclusion," there must have been a "Cliffhanger" last week. Since I didn't watch it, I can only assume this week will start off something like this, "When we last left off, Gary Coleman was in the middle of our 25th most popular TV catch phrase, 'Whatchoo talkin' 'bout...' And now, for the dramatic conclusion of TV's 50 Funniest Phrases."]

Live from Lincoln Center -- 8 pm (PBS) -- Violinist Joshua Bell and the Mostly Mozart Festival Orchestra perform Mozart's Adagio for Violin and Orchestra in E major and Rondo for Violin and Orchestra in C major, as well as Haydn's "London" Symphony and Mendelssohn's Hebrides Overture and Violin Concerto in E minor. Alan Alda hosts.
[Temp X says: Only mostly Mozart? The truth is every time I read this description, I fall asleep. FYI - Alan Alda decreases my interest level.]

Worlds Funniest Moments -- 8 pm (MNT) -- Outrageous videos found on the Internet are featured.
[Temp X says: The Best of YouTube on TV as hosted by Arsenio Hall. Who would have thought the big winner of the late 1980s power couple of Arsenio & Paula Abdul would be Paula?]

America's Funniest Home Videos -- 9 pm (ABC Family) -- Part 1 of the two-part 300th episode includes funniest moments for previous hosts Bob Saget, Daisy Fuentes and John Fugelsang; “Greatest Groin Hits”; “Brides on Fire”; “Trees Crushing Cars.”
[Temp X says: 300 episodes! 300 fucking episodes! A show featuring "Greatest Groin Hits" can go on for 300 episodes while Arrested Development gets canceled in season 3? I need to move.]

Most Shocking -- 8pm (TruTV) -- A bull tramples a nude partyer (sic); prostitutes rumble in the streets; and college students go streaking.
[Temp X says: Sounds like you average weeknight at the Florida State University fraternity quad.]

Major League Baseball -- 8 pm (WGN America) -- Phillies vs. Cubs
[Temp X says: Cubs find yet another way to snatch defeat from the jaws of victory.]

Maybe I don't want to work in TV after all?