View-Master: The Movie

Hollywood execs appear to be on the cusp of another brilliant cinematic effort -- View-Master: the Movie. Yes, everyone's favorite update of the stereoscope will soon be part of DreamWorks slate. While some might think this makes about as much sense as a TV show based on The Pet Rock, I beg to differ. View-Master offers everything, pre-formed plastic, a triggery-type thing and photos - thousands and thousands of photos.

Naturally, DreamWorks is keeping the concept under wraps. So we're left to guess what the script might be like. Here's my best guess...

[Note: As the View-Master doesn't have a larynx, everything he says is inaudible.]

INT -- TOYS 'R US -- AISLE 4, SHELF 3

The View-Master 3D looks longingly out into the great expanse of toys, action figure and board games. A young boy and his mother walk up with an empty shopping basket. The child is fingering his way through the merchandise.

MOTHER
Now go ahead and pick out whatever you want Bobby. You did your chores just like you said you would. You've earned it.

VIEW-MASTER
HEY! PICK ME! PICK ME!

The child picks up a Wolverine action figure.

VIEW-MASTER
Nooo!! All Wolverine has is martial arts expertise, regenerative healing factor, superhuman senses, strength, agility, stamina, reflexes, longevity, adamantium-laced skeletal structure with retractable claws. I have a little lever you push down to advance the slide.

The child puts back the Wolverine action figure.

VIEW-MASTER
Smart kid. Now come over this way. Did I mention I have form-fitting packaging and I come with a wheel of photos of the American Southwest? I have two words for you -- "Marfa Lights."

The child picks up an Omnitrix and inspects it.

VIEW-MASTER
NOO!! NOOOOO!!! That's just an Omnitrix from the tremendously popular Ben 10 TV series. The only thing that watch-like device does on the show is transform users into various alien forms by combining the DNA of the selected alien with the user's own DNA, effectively turning them into the alien species the user has selected. That's nothing compared to the fun you can have looking 3-D pictures of the first 16 Vice Presidents. Who's not curious about Elbridge Gerry?

MOTHER
Have you found anything you like Bobby?

BOBBY
I want one of everything.

VIEW-MASTER
That's the spirit kid. Whatever gets me off this shelf. I've only been here for 12 years. I get sick of looking at that goddamn Jenga box 24/7.

MOTHER
No. I told you Bobby. Just one thing. Maybe next month, if you do your chores again, you can pick out something else.

Bobby takes off running down the aisle.

MOTHER
BOBBY!!! COME BACK HERE THIS INSTANT!!!

VIEW-MASTER
Yeah! Where are you going? I'm over here. We can have so much fun looking at still photos of a caterpillar turning into a butterfly!!

Bobby grabs a box of Raisinets off the shelf and comes running back. He's already torn into the box and has a fist full of the candy.

BOBBY
(muffled by food)
Lffs Gbo.

MOTHER
You wanna go?

Bobby nods his head and the two walk away, leaving View-Master on his own.

VIEW-MASTER
(plaintively)
See you soon Bobby...see you soon.