Action Required -- A Form Letter from Sony HR

I've been jobless for seven weeks, so it's been a little tough coming up with material. Luckily Sony sent me a big, fat present yesterday -- a form letter from HR.

What's interesting about this letter is in my four years living here, I've only had two interviews on the Sony lot (I would have had a third, but staffing agent who set up the interview didn't tell the Sony's hiring manager.) As for the other two, neither of them were through Sony HR. They were gigs on failed pilots. So either Sony's computers are taunting me or...errr...I'm pretty sure they're taunting me.

Form letters from HR always bland and inoffensive. But leave it up to a writer with time to burn to find the mistakes and point them out.

Dear Applicant [Now correct me if I'm wrong, but I believe I entered my first name in your online application. The least you could do is find a programmer who can make a form letter that lists my name],

You are receiving this communication [Strange, I would have called it an "e-mail" or even the more pedestrian term "letter." This reads like a note from the robot from Lost in Space.] because your resume or profile is currently active [I'd dispute the term "active" based on the number of calls I've gotten from you.] in our applicant tracking system ["Danger Will Robinson! Applicant Tracking System malfunction!"]. This means you have either applied to or have interviewed for a position with Sony Pictures Entertainment in recent years [An adequately vague time frame, no? Carl Sagan joke soon to follow.].

If you would like to remain active [if my current status is "active," I'll take Option B.] in our database and have your resume reviewed by our staffing team for current and/or future opportunities you will need to create a new profile. Please go to www.sonypicscareers.com now to re-submit your updated resume [I hate to get technical, but I wouldn't be "re-submitting my updated resume." I think you could just use "submit" as the other term suggests I've done it. Oh, and resubmit doesn't have a hyphen.] and profile into our new database. Please note that you will need to create a new user name [Aha! The truth comes out. You switched HR database software. So basically we're repopulating your resume database because your new software isn't smart enough to port all the old data in.] and password. Also, please feel free to apply directly to any open jobs listed. [Also, feel free to call me because I'm certainly qualified for this work.]

To decline the opportunity to remain active [Declining staying active in Sony's HR database is essentially a double negative. Maybe I'll get a job after all] in our new database no further action is required on your part at this time.

Best wishes with your career endeavors. [Note: My current endeavors consist of making fun of your form letters. Truth is, it's not as fun as it sounds.]

Sony Pictures Entertainment
Global Staffing Team

** THIS IS AN AUTOMATED EMAIL - WE ARE UNABLE TO RECEIVE REPLIES ** [Duh.]