Hollywood executives are only good at two things: needlessly remaking old material and acting like God. So when offered the opportunity to contribute to TheWrap.com, it seemed only appropriate that I -- Temp X, King of Hollywood and Hero to the Underemployed -- employ these same concepts in my maiden posting.
Following are the holiest of holy imperatives -- the 10 Commandments -- if a Hollywood executive were to re-make them (and don't put it past them, as they've already re-made classics like Psycho, The Manchurian Candidate and a few hundred other movies) to accommodate their sliding scale of morality and self-importance.
Mazel Tov.
COMMANDMENT I
God Says: I am the LORD thy GOD.
Hollywood Executive Remake: I am the LORD thy God.
COMMANDMENT II
God Says: Thou shalt have no other gods before Me.
Hollywood Executive Remake: Unless it's Rupert Murdoch, Sumner Redstone or Robert Iger, take a message. Oh and where's my Venti, Soy Caramel Macchiato?! Have you heard a fucking word I said?! Where's my lunch today?
COMMANDMENT III
God Says: Thou shalt not take the name of God in vain.
Hollywood Executive Remake: Thou CAN say "Shit," "Piss," "Fuck," "Cunt," "Cocksucker," "Motherfucker" and "Tits" when yelling at your assistant. However, Human Resources has informed me you CANNOT say "God Damn It!" because it discriminates against those who practice polytheistic religions including Hinduism, Wicca and whatever Madonna is in to these days.
COMMANDMENT IV
God Says: Remember to keep the Sabbath holy.
Hollywood Executive Remake: Thou shalt not do drugs, cheat on your spouse or violate the terms of your DUI probation on Saturdays, unless you didn't go to sleep the night before. In this case, it's technically still Friday.
COMMANDMENT V
God Says: Honor your father and mother.
Hollywood Executive Remake: Nepotism kicks ass.
COMMANDMENT VI
God Says: Thou shalt not murder.
Hollywood Executive Remake: Anyone below me on the "org chart" shalt not watch Swimming With Sharks nor get any ideas from said film. Other prohibited films include Office Space, The Player as well as certain scenes from Fight Club and American Beauty. Viewing Secretary is permitted and encouraged.
COMMANDMENT VII
God Says: Thou shalt not commit adultery.
Hollywood Executive Remake: Thou shalt commit adultery, especially with that hot new intern in marketing.
COMMANDMENT VIII
God Says: Thou shalt not steal.
Hollywood Executive Remake: Thou shalt not steal unless the idea is really good, offers sequel/spin-off possibilities and/or has extensive merchandising opportunities. Suitable examples include Paul Blart: Mall Cop/Observe and Report, Wife Swap/Trading Spouses, Antz/A Bug's Life, Finding Nemo/A Shark's Tale and Benjamin Button/Forrest Gump.
COMMANDMENT IX
God Says: Thou shalt not bear false witness against your neighbor.
Hollywood Executive Remake: I'm not really feeling this part. Maybe we just leave it for the deleted scenes or the box set.
COMMANDMENT X
God Says: Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor's house, thy neighbor's wife, nor his manservant, nor his maidservant, nor his ox, nor his ass, nor any thing that is thy neighbor's.
Hollywood Executive Remake: Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor's Aston Martin DBS because you have a perfectly nice Prius that your new girlfriend -- the eco-warrior with D-cups in a Size 2 dress -- makes you drive even though you can afford the $260,000 dream car.
COMMANDMENT XI
God Says: N/A
Hollywood Executive Remake: More is better. Watchmen was 36 minutes better than Iron Man. Since I have eleven commandments, I'm better than God. But you already knew that.
God Says: I am the LORD thy GOD.
Hollywood Executive Remake: I am the LORD thy God.
COMMANDMENT II
God Says: Thou shalt have no other gods before Me.
Hollywood Executive Remake: Unless it's Rupert Murdoch, Sumner Redstone or Robert Iger, take a message. Oh and where's my Venti, Soy Caramel Macchiato?! Have you heard a fucking word I said?! Where's my lunch today?
COMMANDMENT III
God Says: Thou shalt not take the name of God in vain.
Hollywood Executive Remake: Thou CAN say "Shit," "Piss," "Fuck," "Cunt," "Cocksucker," "Motherfucker" and "Tits" when yelling at your assistant. However, Human Resources has informed me you CANNOT say "God Damn It!" because it discriminates against those who practice polytheistic religions including Hinduism, Wicca and whatever Madonna is in to these days.
COMMANDMENT IV
God Says: Remember to keep the Sabbath holy.
Hollywood Executive Remake: Thou shalt not do drugs, cheat on your spouse or violate the terms of your DUI probation on Saturdays, unless you didn't go to sleep the night before. In this case, it's technically still Friday.
COMMANDMENT V
God Says: Honor your father and mother.
Hollywood Executive Remake: Nepotism kicks ass.
COMMANDMENT VI
God Says: Thou shalt not murder.
Hollywood Executive Remake: Anyone below me on the "org chart" shalt not watch Swimming With Sharks nor get any ideas from said film. Other prohibited films include Office Space, The Player as well as certain scenes from Fight Club and American Beauty. Viewing Secretary is permitted and encouraged.
COMMANDMENT VII
God Says: Thou shalt not commit adultery.
Hollywood Executive Remake: Thou shalt commit adultery, especially with that hot new intern in marketing.
COMMANDMENT VIII
God Says: Thou shalt not steal.
Hollywood Executive Remake: Thou shalt not steal unless the idea is really good, offers sequel/spin-off possibilities and/or has extensive merchandising opportunities. Suitable examples include Paul Blart: Mall Cop/Observe and Report, Wife Swap/Trading Spouses, Antz/A Bug's Life, Finding Nemo/A Shark's Tale and Benjamin Button/Forrest Gump.
COMMANDMENT IX
God Says: Thou shalt not bear false witness against your neighbor.
Hollywood Executive Remake: I'm not really feeling this part. Maybe we just leave it for the deleted scenes or the box set.
COMMANDMENT X
God Says: Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor's house, thy neighbor's wife, nor his manservant, nor his maidservant, nor his ox, nor his ass, nor any thing that is thy neighbor's.
Hollywood Executive Remake: Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor's Aston Martin DBS because you have a perfectly nice Prius that your new girlfriend -- the eco-warrior with D-cups in a Size 2 dress -- makes you drive even though you can afford the $260,000 dream car.
COMMANDMENT XI
God Says: N/A
Hollywood Executive Remake: More is better. Watchmen was 36 minutes better than Iron Man. Since I have eleven commandments, I'm better than God. But you already knew that.
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