Oscar Acceptance Speech Madlib

[THIS WAS ORIGINALLY POSTED FEB. 19, 2009.  NOTHING HAS CHANGED, SO I'M REPOSTING FOR ANYONE STILL LOOKING FOR LAST MINUTE ADVICE]

The Oscars are only a couple hours away. And if I know celebrities, they're busy preening, schvitzing and vomiting their way to beauty for the big night. This leaves them little time to concentrate on what's most important, writing an acceptance speech. (It doesn't help that most of them have the intellectual capacity of a newt.)

But your friends at the Hollywood Temp Diaries are here to help. In the spirit of previous Madlibs like the Journal Entry Madlib and the How to Pitch a Show Madlib, I offer the Oscar Acceptance Speech Madlib. Just fill in the appropriate blanks and you're ready to go.

Good luck. Now go shoehorn yourself into your outfit and wait for your limo...

"Oh my (Deity or Oprah)! Oh my (same Deity or Oprah)! This is so unexpected.

[Stage Direction: Hold for applause. Fight back tears.]

I'd like to (verb) the Academy for this most beautiful award. Also (verb) you to my agent (CAA agent) and Kevin Huvane. My manager and the people at Untitled Entertainment (do not be confused by this. It's actually the name of the company). And my attorney (Jewish-sounding name). (Verb) you. (Verb) all of you.

When I started acting as a young (your gender), I did it for the love of the craft. Here I am (number less than 20, even if you're Mickey Rourke) years later, winning an Oscar for an outstanding film (Your movie. If you can't remember the title, immediately return to rehab). This is a (noun for something you do in your sleep) come true.

[Stage Direction: Take yourself to a sad, sad place. Commence crocodile tears.]

To my fellow nominees (check Oscars.com for list of your competitors) each one of you is equally (noun indicating merit) of this. I would share it with you I could.

To the producers (just say Brian Grazer), my outstanding co-star (the person you slept with while making this movie), the director (the person you slept with to get the role). Thank you. It was an absolute (adjective describing fun, but in a non-sexual way) working with all of you.

For your unending love and support, I'd like to thank (the first five names from page 243 of the phonebook. No one pays attention to non-industry related folks. You could say "Colonel Sanders" and no one would know.) You mean the world to me.

[Stage Direction: At this point the orchestra will start playing. Ignore it and proceed.]

I like you (Conductor not named Henry Mancini. He's dead.) You're a good guy, but this moment may never happen again! I have more people to thank.

My rock of three and a half years (the person sitting next to you. Yes, the one you're married to). I love you so much. You (verb) me every day. And I can't thank you enough.

And most of all I'd like to thank my assistant (Assistant's name, or as close as you can remember). This person is as deserving as I am, in fact, when I'd like to announce publicly I'm giving (same assistant, or as close as you can remember) a $250,000 raise.

Good night and (same Deity or Oprah) Bless!"