Hollywood studios have apparently given up. Which recently announced movie wins the award for "Least Necessary"?

• Arthur remake featuring Russell Brand (WB)* -- 26%
• Damn Yankees featuring Jim Carrey and Jake Gyllenhaal (New Line)** -- 10%
• Candy Land, based on the board game (Uni)*** -- 42%
• Clue, based on the movie based on the board game (Uni)**** -- 21%

* Dudley Moore collaborated with Sir Geoge Solti. Russel Brand showed up to work on 9/12/2001 dressed as Osama bin Laden.
** It should be noted Jim Carrey's only other musical performance in a film was when he sang "Assholomio" in Ace Ventura: Pet Detective using his butt.
***Type 2 diabetes rates are up 90 percent in the past decade.
****Total U.S. box office for the 1985 release was $14.6 million or adjusted for inflation, about $30 million.

A Birthday Post-Mortem

So my birthday is over. What a jam-packed 24 hours! I was awoken at 6 a.m. by Dog X, wrote my blog entry, had a phone interview, ate too much Chinese food, took a nap, watched TV, drank beer and fell asleep. It's a lot like every other day, except for the job interview. That was a new twist.

As for my birthday presents, I figured you'd want to know what happened. The updates are in RED.

Megan Fox -- You're single. So am I. Wanna play Wii Tennis? [NO -- I'm still waiting and you're still single.]

President Obama -- Fix the economy by noon today. [NO -- Jobless claims are at a 26-year high.]

SAG -- Stop being morons and sign the deal. [NO -- SAG continues to be morons -- hires National Director linked to big-time fraud.]

NBC -- Confirm that tonight's episode of Knight Rider (dammit, just found out it moved to March 4) is the series finale, not just the season finale. Oh, and on the subject of NBC... [INCOMPLETE -- Will know more next week, assuming they don't delay the episode again.]

Jay Leno -- Go away. You promised. And take Silverman with you. [NO -- But the WGA is considering kicking Leno out of the union for violating strike rules. Silverman greenlights Seinfeld new reality show, "Dr. Phil with yuks" ]

[Development Executive name redacted] -- Get to work at a reasonable time and get over yourself. [NO -- Took two-hour lunch yesterday.]

My Pimps -- Call me with a job. And for once, make it a long-term assignment. [NO -- Never called.]

California EDD -- Re-start my unemployment that you randomly canceled. [INCOMPLETE -- It's a government agency. My expectations are very low. Check back in April.]

ABC -- Either stop the "Are you lost on Lost?" campaign or make the program easier to understand. Knowingly confusing your audience can't help ratings. [YES -- Didn't see the promos last night.]

WBTV -- Buy the show I pitched you. You know it's a good idea. So quit dragging your feet. Heck, it can't be any worse than the Pussycat Dolls Present: The Search for the Next Doll. And you ran two seasons of that. [YES! -- Just kidding. No news yet. Today, I will cross my toes.]

"Sasha Fierce" (my 2002 Honda Civic ) -- Stop making that random squeaking. It's almost to the point where the radio can't drown out the noise. [SORT OF -- Squeaking goes away when I step on the break pedal.]

You -- Please continue to read my blog. Please tell your friends. Oh, and if you have any Stupid Interview Questions, pass them along. I'm running low. For Extra Credit: Get me a book deal. [KIND OF -- Viewership jumped 15% yesterday. Not bad. No book deal.]


And finally, thanks for all the birthday wishes and nice comments about the site. They are all much appreciated.

Happy Birthday Temp X. Where are my gifts?

And you run and you run to catch up with the sun, but its sinking
And racing around to come up behind you again
The sun is the same in the relative way, but you're older
Shorter of breath and one day closer to death

--Pink Floyd
"Time"

It's the most important day of the year. My Birthday. And as I hurtle toward my midlife crisis like a Metallica tour bus in Sweden, I'm oh so conscious of how little I've accomplished. I'm [age redacted], single, a part-time temp, I have a dog that ignores me and rent is due.

However not all is gloomy in Birthdayville. Not by a long shot. I've had a number of pitch meetings in recent days, blog readership is surging and Quiznos is giving out free subs. But what I like best about birthdays is I'm supposed to get everything I ask for. I'm not asking for much. I just want the following...

Megan Fox -- You're single. So am I. Wanna play Wii Tennis?

President Obama -- Fix the economy by noon today.

SAG -- Stop being morons and sign the deal.

NBC -- Confirm that tonight's episode of Knight Rider (dammit, just found out it moved to March 4) is the series finale, not just the season finale. Oh, and on the subject of NBC...

Jay Leno -- Go away. You promised. And take Silverman with you.

[Development Executive name redacted] -- Get to work at a reasonable time and get over yourself.

My Pimps -- Call me with a job. And for once, make it a long-term assignment.

California EDD -- Re-start my unemployment that you randomly canceled.

ABC -- Either stop the "Are you lost on Lost?" campaign or make the program easier to understand. Knowingly confusing your audience can't help ratings.

WBTV -- Buy the show I pitched you. You know it's a good idea. So quit dragging your feet. Heck, it can't be any worse than the Pussycat Dolls Present: The Search for the Next Doll. And you ran two seasons of that.

"Sasha Fierce" (my 2002 Honda Civic ) -- Stop making that random squeaking. It's almost to the point where the radio can't drown out the noise.

You -- Please continue to read my blog. Please tell your friends. Oh, and if you have any Stupid Interview Questions, pass them along. I'm running low. [For Extra Credit: Get me a book deal.]

Chapter One -- Life Before the Mailroom

Some of you may wonder what I do on days when I have no work. I often wonder the same thing myself. It likely involves a lot of looking at Facebook, sending spam email (as discussed previously in "When Bad Ideas Happen to Good People") and trying to concoct lunch out of mustard, corn tortillas and carrots.

But luckily I've been working on a book. So that keeps me sane in these crazy times. While I kinda wanted to keep the book a secret, I feel like I can trust you guys. This IS Hollywood. No one would ever steal anyone's idea. We're just a big happy family.

So without any further adieu, here's an excerpt from my upcoming book, The Hollywood Temp Diaries presents: Life Before the Mailroom. I hope you like it.

Oh, has anyone seen my baseball bat? I need it.

Chapter 1

No work and all waiting for the phone to ring makes Temp X a dull boy.
No work and all waiting for the phone to ring makes Temp X a dull boy.
No work and all waiting for the phone to ring makes Temp X a dull boy.
No work and all waiting for the phone to ring makes Temp X a dull boy.
No work and all waiting for the phone to ring makes Temp X a dull boy.
No work and all waiting for the phone to ring makes Temp X a dull boy.
No work and all waiting for the phone to ring makes Temp X a dull boy.
No work and all waiting for the phone to ring makes Temp X a dull boy.
No work and all waiting for the phone to ring makes Temp X a dull boy.
No work and all waiting for the phone to ring makes Temp X a dull boy.
No work and all waiting for the phone to ring makes Temp X a dull boy.
No work and all waiting for the phone to ring makes Temp X a dull boy.
No work and all waiting for the phone to ring makes Temp X a dull boy.
No work and all waiting for the phone to ring makes Temp X a dull boy.
No work and all waiting for the phone to ring makes Temp X a dull boy.
No work and all waiting for the phone to ring makes Temp X a dull boy.
No work and all waiting for the phone to ring makes Temp X a dull boy.
No work and all waiting for the phone to ring makes Temp X a dull boy.
No work and all waiting for the phone to ring makes Temp X a dull boy.
No work and all waiting for the phone to ring makes Temp X a dull boy.
No work and all waiting for the phone to ring makes Temp X a dull boy.
No work and all waiting for the phone to ring makes Temp X a dull boy.
No work and all waiting for the phone to ring makes Temp X a dull boy.
No work and all waiting for the phone to ring makes Temp X a dull boy.
No work and all waiting for the phone to ring makes Temp X a dull boy.
No work and all waiting for the phone to ring makes Temp X a dull boy.

Stupid Interview Question -- Jackson Pollock edtion

Hollywood execs act would act like petulant children if they only knew what "petulant" meant. Luckily they can barely understand dialogue from Two and a Half Men, so sesquipedalians they are not.

But never mind that. Hollywood execs look at their lives as one big party periodically interrupted by a few hours of "work." How else can you explain that your boss NEVER gets to the office before noon and has expensible drinks four nights a week?

Which brings us to today's Stupid Interview Question. I wish I could say this was some sort of mental slip up. But sadly, it's from the same interview that asked me if I knew how to ride a Ducati...

"Can you put together a Paintball Party?"

My "Film History and Criticism" professor would be so pleased to know that I watched Das Cabinet des Dr. Caligari, Bronenosets Potyomkin, The Birth of a Nation, Un Chien Andalou and Citizen Kane so I could figure out whether to buy the "gun" with the 3000 or 4500 PSI air canister. Such decisions.

If you were the victim of a dumb interview question, please send them along to TempX@tempdiaries.com. I promise your identity will be protected.

The NEW "Hollywood Temp Diaries"

Traffic on the Hollywood Temp Diaries is kicking butt. Recent write-ups on Defamer where I was referred to as "Indispensable" and development of excellent content is bringing in the masses. I thank all of you, my loyal viewers. But like the Andrea True Connection, I want "MORE MORE MORE."

I've been told that the best way to increase site traffic is to post pictures of celebrities wearing bikinis (ala Egotastic), writing "clever" comments on illegally re-purposed red carpet photos (ala Perez Hilton), posting secret memos from high-level executives (ala Deadline Hollywood), pix of hot celebrity couples "caught in the act" (ala TMZ) or putting cute animals in costumes (ala Icanhascheezburger).

With that, I'd like to welcome you to the NEW Hollywood Temp Diaries, featuring...

BIKINI SHOTS!

"CLEVER" COMMENTS ON CELEB PIX!

TOP SECRET MEMOS!

HOT HOLLYWOOD COUPLES!

ADORABLE ANIMALS IN COSTUME!

Doesn't this make you want to come back on Monday?

10 things I hate about Hollywood

I recently posted the "10 Things I Love About Hollywood." Well, for every Yin there's a Yang. I'm not sure which one this list is, but that's of marginal importance. So without any further adieu, here's what sucks about living here..

I can't watch TV or movies normally anymore. I now visualize the script. I look for consistency errors or cheap set construction. Heck, I get jealous during the credits. It's kind of a drag. [Note: This situation is exacerbated when drinking.]

I sweat involuntarily. This has nothing to do with taking E, X, Special K or any other drug with a capital letter. It's damn hot here during the summer. And until I can afford a place in Malibu or marry Britney Spears, that's not gonna change.

It's about 5 1/2 hours too far from San Francisco. People are weird in LA because they want to get discovered. People are weird in SF because they don't care what anyone thinks of them. I prefer the latter over the former. Plus there's random nudity in SF.

Celebrities and their Award Shows screw up traffic in an instant. Traffic sucks enough already in this town. So shutting off Highland Ave. for a self-congratulatory exercise makes me hate both celebrities and PVB employees.

I'm more self conscious than ever about my looks. I've since started wearing my Nixon mask all the time, but tell people I'm just paying homage to Point Break.

You can't find a decent bagel here. Yep. I'm Jewish. And if you say Canter's, I banish you from this site. (Not really, I need all the readers I can get.)

I'm constantly thinking of turning everything I do into a script. I go to the gym. How about Paul Blart: Professional Trainer? I go to work. Swimming with Sharks 2: The Unnecessary Sequel? The pizza delivery guy shows up...err...wait...I don't live in the Valley.

Low-flying helicopters. I've never lived in a city with so many whirly birds. I'm not sure what they're doing, where they're going or why they need to fly at 200 feet. I just know sometimes they fly so low my apartment shakes. Although this may be more indicative of the construction of my hovel.

It's weird going outside the Hollywood bubble. Everyone talks about boring things like their family, politics or the news. I'm so ill equipped to discuss such traditional topics. Couldn't just one person be working on a treatment? Then we've got something to talk about.

I can't get a f***ing job. I've been told I'm overqualified. I've been told I'm underqualified. I took Calculus, Physics and can count on my fingers and toes. The law of averages would seem to indicate that I'm just right. But not in Hollywood.

Hollywood's Most Bankable

Every year, Forbes does their list of Hollywood's most bankable stars. Will Smith is always on top. Tom Cruise, Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie are never far behind. And bringing up the rear is the "movie star" that is Nicole Kidman. (Gotta hand it to Kevin Huvane. Kidman still makes a ton of money while putting out big-budget bombs like Australia, The Golden Compass and The Invasion.)

But behind every celeb and their sometimes Quixotic effort to turn an amusement park ride, comic book or literary trilogy-cum-Star Wars wannabe into a job-saving megahit (cough...Jeff Robinov...cough), is a staff of hard-working nobodies who make everything happen. These nobodies, also known as Production Assistants, get no credit and no notoriety even though they show up to work on time, never offer Christian Bale-style tantrums and routinely bust their asses for about $10 per hour.

I contend that these are truly the bankable stars and have taken it upon myself to honor them.

(Cue music)


Scott Markus
Even if you take out The Dark Knight, Scott's movies still average a cool $80 million. But he's not just a one-screen pony. Get him working on small screen projects and you'll see similar results with hits like Lost, Flight 29 Down (a.k.a. Lost Jr.) and Prison Break.

Total movies as PA -- 6
Worldwide Box Office -- $1.4 billion
Average Box Office -- $239 million


Peter Skorupskas
Like John Travolta, Skorupskas' hits are huge, misses are Battlefield Earth-esque. He's currently on an upswing having worked on Gran Torino, The Dark Knight and Transformers. On the downside, Skorupskas worked on Semi Pro (which didn't recover the production budget) and something called Oceans of Pearls. If this pattern holds true, All's Faire in Love should be huge and while Red & Blue Marbles should disappear quickly.

Total movies as PA -- 5
Worldwide Box Office -- $1.8 billion
Average Box Office -- $377 million



Jonathan Stow
Not having worked on a film with an original concept hasn't slowed Stow down at all. His PAing on two different Pirates of the Caribbean movies should earn him a lifetime pass to the Disney theme park of his choice.

Total movies as PA -- 4
Worldwide Box Office -- $3.2 billion
Average Box Office -- $800 million


Allison Meadows
In spite of the nuke-resistant refrigerator absurdity, Indiana Jones 4 made nearly $800 million worldwide -- thanks to the bankable PA Allison Meadows. Clearly Spielberg was familiar with her work on Transformers, Pirates of the Caribbean and Beowulf. Look for more in 2009 as Meadows teams up with Vin Diesel on The Fast and The Furious sequel/remake and 17 Again starring teen beauty queen Zac Efron and that guy from Friends.

Total movies as PA -- 8
Worldwide Box Office -- $3.1 billion
Average Box Office -- $387 million


Veloz Gomez
The ultimate in bankable. Veloz makes Lamar Mundane look erratic. Veloz has worked as a PA on 28 movies -- including Die Hard, Batman, Spider-man, Superman and POTC. Heck, Gomez's films have a global box office take nearly equals Viacom's market cap and is greater than the GDP of The Bahamas. And don't forget stints on TV doc dramas ER and Chicago Hope.

Total movies as PA -- 28
Worldwide Box Office -- $8.3 billion
Average Box Office -- $300 million

[Note: The films and their averages are based on major box office releases. Indie films were not included because they don't make any money and they only end up in about 12 theaters.]

Friday the 13th is a day of bad luck for many. What could be the worst that could happen today?

Ben Silverman says your show idea "reminds him a lot of 'Kath and Kim'." -- 8%

Your date takes you to a "Pink Panther 2" & "Paul Blart: Mall Cop" double feature. -- 15%

Your pimp gets you work at CAA...for Ara Keshishian. -- 10%

Rite Aid ups the price of Jagermeister. -- 5%

You realize you're broke and have to move back home to Duluth. -- 59%

How do I love Temping? Let me count the ways.

Well, Valentine's Day is upon us. And Temp X is in love. Yes. I love Temping. So, inspired by Elizabeth Barrett Browning's Sonnet 43, I'd like to offer the following. I've just warmed my cockles. Hope it does the same to yours (assuming you have them).

How do I love Temping? Let me count the ways.
I love Temping in my poverty and indentured servitude and famishment
Because my wallet is bare, like an oak tree in Winter's frozen grip.
I love Temping to the level of everyday's
Most screaming exec, fueled by Napoleonic tendencies.
I love Temping freely, as that's the most apt adjective;
I love Temping purely, as pure as the cocaine my boss snorts.
I love Temping with the passion only my
Therapist knows, and with childhood naivite.
I love Temping with a love I once had
For the written word—I love Temping with the breath,
Smiles, tears, of all my life!— but, if God (or Kevin Huvane) choose,
I shall but love Temping better after my boss's death.

You may already be a loser!

If you haven't already, you'll soon be laid off from your job as a Hollywood barnacle. Congratulations. You'll join thousands of people just like you from Disney, Warner Bros., NBC, Viacom, MTV and any of the major ad agencies who have suffered similar fates.

Once this pink slip comes your way, you'll immediately scour the web for any gig that's remotely entertainment based. You might even apply for a Production Assistant gig on an Jack Lalanne Power Juicer infomercial. But one day you'll unearth an open position at NBC that'll cause you to polish your resume, spruce up your cover letter and change your email to something more professional than "snoopdannydan@gmail.com." Three words of advice, "Don't bother applying."

The reality is there's a 99.99% chance you'll get rejected. Luckily the lag time between application and rejection is about two months, so you'll have killed enough brain cells during that gap that you don't remember applying. But if you have a memory better than mine, maybe you will. Anyway, the point is you'll get a letter like the one below. So save your time, recognize your efforts are futile and move to a town where jobs still exists -- Oklahoma City.

*Note: I've added a couple remarks on things I find curious. They're highlighted in red.

Dear Applicant,

I am sending you this email as you either applied directly to NBC Universal for the position of Administrative Assistant, Original Programming, Job Number 856751) or your resume was in our database and you were considered for this position [Ed. Note: So you might actually get rejected from a position you didn't actually formally apply for!].

We wanted to inform you that this position has been filled.

We would still like to maintain your resume/CV in our electronic database located in the U.S., hosted by a third party provider. [Ed. Note: You need not fear that your data has been compromised by a data center employee in India. He's in Orlando. ]

The database allows us to match the skills on your resume/CV against the requirements of other open positions. If a relevant match is made, a business representative will contact you to discuss the opportunity.

By initially sending in your resume/CV, you consented to your resume/CV being processed and maintained in our electronic database consistent with GE’s Candidate Data Protection Standards. You may review these guidelines at www.gecareers.com. If you no longer consent, please send an email to chr.webmaster@corporate.ge.com requesting that your resume be deleted from the database. Please provide your full first name, last name, mailing address and home telephone number. Any emails sent to this address for any other purpose other than the above will not be responded to and will be discarded. Alternatively, you may send a letter to the address provided in GE's Candidate Data Protection Standards.

If you would like to know what other positions are available at GE, please visit www.gecareers.com. Job opportunities that are available and open to external candidates will be posted on this site. You can easily set up a job agent and be notified via email when available job openings that meet your criteria are posted to the site. Simply click on Expanded Search and then Job Agent and follow the instructions.

Once again, we thank you for your interest in GE and we wish you every success in your job search.

Sincerely,

NBCU Human Resources

Hollywood Dictionary -- Volume 5

The language spoken in Hollywood is a gibberish all its own with terms like "double bangers" and "rezzies." It's like Klingon in that it's an imaginary tongue spoken by non-humans and perpetuated by people who are just a little too into it.

This brings us to today's entries in the Hollywood Dictionary. Use with caution.

Dailies - The unassembled raw footage from a TV or movie shoot. The producers pick the "best" (a relative term) version of each scene and cobble it together into another captivating episode of Kath and Kim. The only interesting dailies are the ones where a celeb goes ape shit over nothing. (NSFW) Not to be confused with a "nooner," or what your boss does during lunch with someone he's not married to.

Headshot - A word that has nothing to do with exacting revenge on your boss. It's just a fancy word for an 8 1/2 x 11 photograph that actors send out in hopes of getting work. You probably know them better from the three piles your boss has on their desk labeled "Potential Client," "Fuckable" or "Garbage."

Cuts - Think of these simply as drafts of the final project, like the early versions of your film school thesis, "Akira Kurosowa and his use of weather as an allegory for Sino-Japanese relations." Once you realized you'd pulled this topic out of your ass and none of it was true, you turned your thesis into a review of Willy Wonka & the Chocolate Factory and got an A. Oh, and cuts are video. But whatever.

Craft Services - This simply means the food table where the dregs of a production graze on Doritos, peanut butter, bagels and Red Vines. No term in Hollywood is less applicable than "Craft Services" as no food on the table indicates any level of "Craft" and there there certainly is no "Service." In the event you're looking for a the director or producer during lunch, don't go to craft services. They've ordered delivery from Sushi Roku.

Technically Available (aka "tech avail") - This has nothing to do with your IT department fixing your boss's laptop because she spilled a VRB on it. It's used to describe when and actor/director/writer/etc. could do a project if nothing more desirable comes through. Or Danny Boyle's agent might say, "Yeah, he's technically available to direct Hotel For Dogs if we can't work out a deal on Slumdog Millionaire."

Stupid Interview Question -- Dr. Phil Edition

When you've temped as many places as I have, you meet every type of Hollywood asshole -- the Bully, the Screamer, Harvey Two-Face, the Name Dropper, the Coke Head, Silent but Deadly, Napoleon (golly, there are a lot of them). The point is each of these Hollywood execs derive an odd joy from belittling others. When combined with the stresses an underpaid assistant faces (e.g., student loan payments, rent, lying to your boss's wife about where he is), extracting emotion from a 22-year old is like shooting fish in a barrel.

This brings us to today's Stupid Interview Question which came from one of my loyal readers...

"When was the last time you cried?"

While I don't know how this person responded, one possible answer is, "I have Dacryostenosis. So I can't cry. This reminds me of something. I'll actually need you to massage my tear ducts a few times a day, otherwise I could have a mucus discharge from my eyes. I hope that's not a problem." Or if that's too much to remember, just tell them you're a Skynet T-1000 and you feel neither pleasure nor pain.

If you were the victim of a dumb interview question, please send them along to TempX@tempdiaries.com. I promise your identity will be protected.

The California Budget Project estimates a single adult living in L.A. needs to gross $28,126 per year to live modestly (source: LA Times 10/17/07).

How much did Temp X make in 2008 (all figures represent gross income)?

This is the breakdown of what you guessed.

$18,752.36 .............................34%

$19,231.85 .............................28%

$20,710.88 .............................18%

$21,454.70 .............................18%


AND THE CORRECT ANSWER IS $20,710.88. So perhaps next time I shouldn't scoff at a job that pays $21,000.


Note: The salary figures include unemployment payments received during the WGA strike. I took a one week vacation in June. It was my first break in three years. Other than that, I worked or was available for work the entire year.

Source: LA Times "Poverty Line Out of Touch with Costs, Advocates Say"

So you're Jobless -- the 200th Episode Spectacular

The irony is not lost on me that I've completed another 100 postings and my career is suffering from the same malady it was in September -- Unintended Time Off (UTO). In my defense, this recent bout with UTO is a 2009 phenomenon and coincides with massive layoffs that have claimed the jobs of a few thousand of my Hollywood brethren.

I was watching TV (duh!) and noticed there's no shortage of news on how to keep from getting laid off. But amidst all these nonsensical terms like "recession-proof jobs" and "make yourself indispensable," I noticed the lack of stories aimed at the jobless and what to do now that you have nothing to do. That's where I come in.

May I offer some of the following ideas during this time of incredible inactivity and joblessness:


Use your computer for something other than checking out Facebook, Defamer, Deadline Hollywood or TMZ. For example, computers make excellent doorstops as well as drink coasters.

Write the great American novel. The paperback edition of For Whom The Bell Tolls is 471 pages. If you re-type 10 pages of Hemingway per day (taking weekends off), that'll take you more than two months. By then the economy is sure to be better.

Watch every one of the 800+ movies made in the 1990s. Then figure out which one to re-write. This will keep you one step ahead of the inevitable grunge era nostalgia/remake frenzy when it hits in about two years. [Note: It's ok to not watch 200 Cigarettes. That movie was awful.]

Calculate the exact date and time at which moving back in with your parents will cause you to go batshit crazy.

Attempt to resolve Hollywood's ultimate Catch-22, "I can't get an acting job without an agent, but I can't get an agent unless I've booked an acting gig."

Do a little investigating and see if you're related to someone famous. That will likely accelerate your ability to secure a job. [Back-up option: Change your last name to Spielberg.]

Try to determine what other marketable skills you -- a Yale drama school grad -- have for your inevitable transition into web advertising sales. Please be aware that reciting Berowne's monologue from Shakespeare's Love's Labour's Lost does not count as a marketable skill.

Review Forbes magazine's list of "recession-proof jobs." Attempt to figure out what any of them actually do (e.g., Business Analysis -- Research).

Figure out what day of the week it is.

25 things you didn't care to know about Temp X

Bowing to intense peer pressure -- and because I had nothing else to write about today -- I will participate in the latest Internet fad: 25 things you didn't know about me. If you'd like to know even more about Temp X, you can always check out my responses to "Getting to Know Your Hollywood Friends." And if that isn't enough, there's always "10 Things I Love About Hollywood." If that isn't enough, I'm calling the police.


1. The worst thing I've read since moving here was a movie script about weightlifting. It read like music video. To those too young to know what a music video is, MTV used to play them.

2. I have trouble lying. This probably means I'll never make it in Hollywood. By the way, you look fabulous today. Have you lost weight?

3. I own at least six books about Richard Nixon. This is lucky because it helps me understand the mindset of the delusional, paranoid lunatics I temp for.

4. I think the following books are overrated: The Corrections, In Cold Blood, The Electric Kool-Aid Acid Test and A Confederacy of Dunces. Because none of these books have been turned into movies, I will receive no ridicule in Hollywood for this.

5. I'm still angry at my Wii Fit because it told me I'm overweight. Considering previously-revealed photos that indicate my body type, I think Super Mario should stick to attacking gorillas.

6. I temped for one agent who either had the worst runny nose ever or did a bunch of coke during a trip to the bathroom.

7. Coming up with something to write about every day is a pain in the ass.

8. I often feel like a much less successful version of Cyrano de Bergerac.

9. I really like LOST, but most of the time I have no idea what's going on.

10. When I make enough money from selling the rights to the Hollywood Temp Diaries, I will take myself out for Mexican food and then buy an Aston Martin.

11. I have no idea why people find Beverly Hills a desirable location. If I'm shelling out $5 million for a house, there better be an ocean in my back yard.

12. I still think the word "twelve" sounds odd.

13. I sometimes forget the difference between a numismatist and a philatelist. Fortunately it doesn't come up into conversation all that often.

14. I would derive no greater joy than to have the ratings for the Oscars be lower than a Knight Rider rerun.

15. If I had a surface-to-air missile launcher, I'd blow every single news helicopter following Paris Hilton or a low-speed chase right out of the sky.

16. I love getting hate mail, although I'm confused by it. It's very odd that anyone gets so worked up about what I - a person who is the fringiest of fringe in Hollywood - have to say.

17. I have more action figures than someone of my age should. But they are all really cool action figures, I swear.

18. I've never seen It's a Wonderful Life.

19. Since moving to Hollywood, I've never uttered the phrase "It's a Wonderful Life."

20. On the one day in between health insurance providers, I tripped over my own pajamas (while I was wearing them) and bruised my knee.

21. My decision to move to Hollywood occurred on a beach in Cabo San Lucas while drinking beer and laying in a hammock tied to two palm trees. I should have stayed in that hammock. [Note: That is the actual hammock.]

22. I have a library book that's 14 years overdue. Microserfs isn't much of a book, so I'd like to think I'm doing that library a favor.

23. Now that I know what goes into a production, it's a lot harder to watch TV just for entertainment. That's a bummer.

24. I'm gonna end up having the same thing for breakfast, lunch and dinner today. Perhaps I should go grocery shopping.

25. There are not 25 things about me worth knowing.

Christian Bale is a Jerk

So TMZ finally broke news, and it had nothing to do with Shauna Sand and her lucite shoes. Apparently Christian Bale had a bad day on the set of Terminator 4, which is apparently the most important movie since Police Academy 5: Assignment Miami Beach Citizen Kane.

After hearing the audio (Not safe for work unless you work at CAA. In this case your boss will consider Mr. Bale's tirade nothing more than a snit.), I felt compelled to send an open letter to Mr. Bale. Please enjoy.

[Note: For those who would like to listen to the audio, here 'tis.]

Dear Christian Bale-

On behalf of everyone who has ever worked in Hollywood, currently works in Hollywood or will ever work in Hollywood....Shut up! You're doing a movie about evil robots from the future. Your mind doesn't need to be (in your words) "In the scene." This isn't high art. It's not even low art. It's a movie -- repeat after me, "About evil robots from the future."

In the future, if a Director of Photography accidentally walks on set during the shoot may I recommend rather than yelling the F-word 30+ times and attempting to start a fight, try taking the following steps:

1. Wait for the director to yell "Cut."
2. Count the millions you're making to play a robot killer
3. Wait for the director to yell "Action."

Oh, and if you ever do that to your assistant, I'll gladly beat the shit out of you.

Your Pal,
Temp X
King of Hollywood and Defender of the Underemployed

Stupid Interview Questions - Jdate Edition

It's not unusual for a Hollywood exec to flirt with or even date their assistants. And some assistants rather enjoy the Remora/Host relationship. But these pairings usually come after months of late nights working together, a few drinks and the conclusion of divorce proceedings.

Some executives can't wait that long. These people use the staffing process as screening for a date. Thus I offer the following question one of my loyal readers received during a job interview...

What's your favorite color?

You couldn't come up with a better line than that? There are hundreds of cheesy pick-up lines. Might I suggest next time you use one of your high-priced writer clients to craft you something slightly more romantic?

If you were the victim of a dumb interview question, please send them along to TempX@tempdiaries.com. I promise your identity will be protected.