Hollywood Dictionary -- Volume 4

Hollywood can be a confusing place for newcomers. You're faced with impossible questions like:

• If the Golden Globes take place in Beverly Hills, why are they broadcast live everywhere but here?
  
• Will network execs ever stop greenlighting cooking shows?
• How does Jim Belushi have a career?
  

While I can't answer these questions, I can help you understand the absurd terminology you'll face on a daily basis. Following are the newest entries into the Hollywood Dictionary.


Brads -- Pitt, Garrett and Hall (Mr. Julia Louis-Dreyfus)? Nope. These are simply the brass fasteners used to hold scripts together. Yep. Glorified paper clips. But as a glorified intern, you'll need to know what they are and how to use them. [Tip: To hold a script together, only use two "Brads," putting one in the top and bottom hole. If you use three, you'll risk major embarrassment. Trust me on this one.]

Pilot Season -- This has nothing to do with plane crashes in the Hudson River or hunting Roman Governors. It's the time of year when the major networks (for the sake of simplicity I'll include NBC and the CW in the "major" category) make sample shows to replace the ill-advised ones they bought last year. For your average assistant, pilot season is a three-month long phone call. If you're still unclear of the concept, perhaps Jules Winnfield can explain it better than I.

Sides -- Not quite sure how this word came into Hollywood vernacular, but we're stuck with it. It simply means selected pages of a script that are read during the course of an audition. You'll probably hear as your boss yells at you, "Courier, fax and email those fucking sides to [client's] house pronto! And then get me some coffee!"

whorepresents.com -- The most popular website among Hollywood execs who cheat on their spouses. It provides an excellent selection of products for all types of homewreckers including secret hotel rooms, slutty underwear and first look deals all for the low, low price of...uh, what was that? Oh never mind. It's "Who Represents" not "Whore Presents" and is simply a list Hollywood talent and their agents. Oh.

Double Banger -- Doesn't have anything to do with the Olsen Twins, the Sklar Brothers or any other marginally relevant monozygotic offspring. It's simply a term for the on-set trailer a celeb uses to snort cocaine, throw up lunch or violate probation in between takes. The size of a celeb's on-set "banger" is inversely proportional to the size of their [insert body part here].