Whoops. They call it "Fact Checking" for a reason.
[Note: It's at the it's at the 11:26 mark] 
Really? This merits a "TOLDJA!"? (I'm not sure how to punctuate that, sorry.) A simple web search shows no dearth of coverage on this merger already from such outlets as Variety, The Wrap and You. The press release was just a formality.
COVERAGE -- In a town where those wearing the fewest clothes win, coverage would seem to be the last thing anyone in Hollywood would want. But writers crave coverage. Could this be because writers are ugly and, if given the option, would prefer pull the bed sheets up to their eyes making them look like one of the Sand People? Nope. The coverage we crave has nothing to do with $300 True Religion hip-huggers or Christian Audigier belly shirts. Coverage for us is when a Hollywood exec's assistant compiles a three paragraph, Cliffs Notes summary of your 160-page Magnum Opus, thus sparing the exec from doing his job. Months later, after you've been rejected, you find out the assistant didn't grasp your modern interpretation of Shakespeare's Cymbeline because she's "more of an America's Next Top Model fan."
NOTES -- So let's say you've demonstrated enough discipline and moxie to finish a script. Now you need to go back through and fix all the plot holes and unresolved story lines. The problem is you've spent six months reading and re-reading your own work. You're at the point that you can't even recognize a typo in your name much less find inconsistencies in your main character. That's why you have friends -- or as we writers call them "people who gently provide feedback on our scripts, paying special attention to our fragile psyche." So you give these people your script and ask them what needs fixing. We call these notes. [TIP: "Your script sucks" in not considered an adequate note.]
POLISH -- This has nothing to do with jokes about hockey teams drowning during Spring training, screen doors on submarines, light bulb changing with a rotating ladder or being stuck on a broken escalator. This is the other pronunciation of the word (pä-lish). It means taking your script, incorporating the notes (see above) and making it glisten. This becomes very useful for beating your head against when you see American Gladiator: The Movie has been green lit.
I had a phone interview the other day! I may soon be able to cast off this Scarlet T forever. Hooray for me, right? Wrong.
I don't understand how computers work. And God knows I've tried. I've attempted to learn programming in BASIC, Pascal, Java, Perl, DOS and a few other dead languages (LOGO anyone?). My inability to understand new ways to have my computer say "Hello World" is what keeps my blog looking average and prevents me from securing a lucrative job as a System Administrator."To create and then fix a problem with the computer."So simple yet so complex. Brilliant really. One tip -- I recommend setting up a Rube Goldberg-type contraption that requires 35 steps to turn your computer OFF, wait five seconds then then turn it ON.
If I never wanted to work again, the first thing I'd do is find a forum and chide or at least offer backhanded compliments to potential co-workers and...well, never mind what I'd do. I'm a nobody going nowhere. Jennifer Aniston, on the other hand, is an A-lister with an impressive roster of failed relationships and body of work to match."If I eat burgers and fries everyday I won't get the parts I'm offered. I'd become a character actress, that may be fine one day but not right now."
[Insert witty comment here about my lack of income, poor MS Excel skills and not having any friends except those in PETA. Then follow it up with instructions for Time Waster #4]...Create an Excel spreadsheet labeled "XXX Prod. Co. - 4th Qtr Analysis," then shrink page view to 45% so no one any closer than six feet can really see what I'm typing and type my Christmas lists w/amounts in the "Total" column, etc.
After exploring the romantic angst of vampires in "Twilight," Summit is developing an action-oriented take on the most famous of the fanged: Dracula.
On behalf of the Hollywood Temp Diaries Board of Governors, I am pleased to announce the results of the 2009 Il Festival di d'Arte Cinematografica di Assurdita'.
May I suggest a slightly less sensationalistic headline next time? Or a sub-head indicating Brokaw did not perish. Seriously Harvey, the third graf?
We celebrated pranks during our Hunt the Gowk Day edition of the Temp Diaries. But what never occurred to me is these nefarious deeds also serve as an exciting time waster! Here's a fun one to get even with the boss who treated you like chattel... "Make fake calls to ex-bosses saying I have a big wig on the phone then hanging up."[NOTE: Some phones have Caller ID, so make sure to hit *67 first so your call can't be traced.]
Posted 12/1/09 @ 4:38 pm PT
Posted 12/1/09 @ 5:06 p.m. PT
Posted 12/1/09 @ 6:09 pm PT
A number of years ago, I remember my client (a Fortune 500 company) was convinced the Internet would create a paperless work world. They believed this so much they began limiting the number of file cabinets each employee could have, as no paper means no need for files. Clearly their individually-wrapped processed cheese slices were turning their brains into mush."Shuffling papers around my desk every time I hear my boss fidget in his chair. I also make sure to 'walk around the office' to retrieve a 'lost paper' every 30.2 minutes. I'm also the master of mouse-clicking."If you have tips or ideas, please submit them and share with your fellow cogs. They'll appreciate the help.
It's the slow time of the year. And in a year where business is running at a snail's pace and the threat of layoff looms, you need to look as busy as possible. So until Hollywood goes on Christmas Break on December 18, I will offer daily tips and tricks on ways to waste time while looking busy. These come courtesy of my readers. I offer no guarantees of their success in warding off HR, but they seem reasonable. Hole punching slowly...only 5 pages when you can do 15, for example... that wastes time!Ah yes, that trick is as old as they come. Divide and delay. If you have tips or ideas, please submit them and share with your fellow cogs. They'll appreciate the help.
Some CBS nincompoop offered this as a response to why they blurred out Adam Lambert's "kiss" during his performance on The Early Show.We gave this some real thought. The Madonna image (where she kisses Britney Spears) is very familiar and has appeared countless times including many times on morning television. The Adam Lambert image is a subject of great current controversy, has not been nearly as widely disseminated, and for all we know, may still lead to legal consequences.So if I understand this correctly, if The Early Show had better ratings (and thus more widely disseminated), they wouldn't have blurred it out? Of course this show has a 30 year track record of getting trounced by GMA and the Today Show. So that ratings bump ain't happening any time soon. Oh, and what are the legal consequences?
[Only a few more days to get your ideas in. Have a great Thanksgiving.]
Since moving to Hollywood, I've written numerous specs, pilots and movies. I'd love to send them to agents, networks or production companies. But agencies don't accept unsolicited submissions. Nor do networks. Nor do production companies. You gotta know "people" to get the scripts in the door. And regrettably, I've yet to meet these elusive "people." I suppose I should leave my apartment more.Let's say you want to make gourmet pizza for a living. So you lock yourself in your apartment for a few months creating what you believe is the perfect pizza. This pie has it all -- goat cheese, baby spinach, pine nuts and a crust to die for. (Let's call this the Arrested Development. )
Confident in your creation, you ask some friends what they think. After a couple of bong hits, they tell you, "Dude. This is the best pizza in the history of man! Can you hand me the lighter?" You're riding high (no pun intended) until you leave your apartment. That's when you see all your neighbors have the same idea and are installing a woodfired ovens, buying pizza stones or reverse-engineering a pie they just bought from Mozza.
But you persist. You send pizzas to Wolfgang Puck, Gordon Ramsay and Mario Batali in hopes they'll hire you.Three weeks later, the mailman returns your pizza in a grease-soaked box that's been rubber stamped, "We don't accept food from strangers."
You take a different approach -- sending pizzas to the sous chef, the line cook and even the dishwasher hoping to entice one of these malnourished, underpaid underlings to try a slice. If they like it, you hope they make semi-orgasmic noises drawing the attention of the head chef. It doesn't work because the assistants are quickly fired for making noise.You then an appeal to the executives at Little Caesars. The problem is these people didn't know goats had udders, think it's immoral to eat spinach fetus and question whether pine trees have genitals. They want something simple, offers mass appeal and won't cost a lot. They want a cheese-like substance, red sauce and seasoned "meat." Let's call this pizza the According to Jim.
So in one last gasp, you go the YouTube route and give your stuff away right outside of Spago. Your "logic" is the hoards of people gathered for free snacks will pique the curiosity of Mr. Puck. He'll try a piece, and, before you can say "Prego," you'll be running the show for his entire homemade pizza line.
The reality is his Wolfie's helicopter drops him off on the roof, so he never even sees you or the crowd you've amassed. You end up broke, hungry and wondering if Domino's is hiring delivery people. They aren't.
Hi. Temp X here. If my postings have seemed snippier than usual recently, it's because I haven't had work in six weeks. I tend to get restless and angst filled when I don't have structure (and income) in my life. Plus it's tough to write about life as a Hollywood Temp when I have no Temp work to write about. I'm doing the best I can. So please bear with me until 2012 when economists predict the job market will make a full recovery.
This was to be the cover of my forthcoming autobiography (contingent upon HarperCollins agreeing to the seven-figure advance I suggested in an unsolicited communiqué). But seeing as that someone else picked a similar cover design and title, I guess I'll have to go back to the drawing board.
This show idea sounds awfully familiar. Where have I heard this idea before? Oh right. Pauly Shore pitched this idea to [network redacted] five months ago. But that's not it. I recall hearing about it a year before that. If only I could remember who told me that idea...
I often wake up and feeling a little...underwhelmed with my appearance. But I shower, shave, dress and appear like any contributing member of society. I'm sure you do the same, whether you're an assistant in Hollywood or a social worker in Harlem. We're not glamorous. We just employ normal grooming habits.
“I felt completely rancid!”
Lost in all the excitement of the last week was this little tidbit of programming genius:"The hour-long live-action series Tower Prep and Warner Horizon Television's Unnatural History are to join the lineup of Cartoon Network in January 2010."Yes, you read that correctly. Cartoon Network will soon be airing live-action shows. As we learned back in June, the term "live action" means that characters are played by people not drawings. This presents an inherent branding issue for Cartoon Network which, if I can deconstruct the name of this 17-year old station properly, is a Network airing Cartoons.
My second most obvious prediction has come true (after Heather Locklear returning to Melrose Place) -- Craig Ferguson beat Jimmy Fallon and won the 12:30 a.m. time slot for the first time ever.
Good news kids! There won't be another needless dance show after all...at least for now.
