So You're New To Hollywood -- The Movie

Good morning folks. I'm sure many of you are trying to figure out what to do for the Il FACA film festival (remember the deadline is October 31). Some of you will re-submit something that was your senior project. And that's fine. Others of you may want to make something original that you hope will "wow" the judge (me). Well what could be more impressive than filming something that I wrote myself - an educational video of the popular "So You're New To Hollywood" series.

Just grab a few friends, a video camera and bag of Doritos and make a movie. Heck, that's how Kevin Smith does it. Think of this as a drunken "paint by numbers" exercise. This offers you a framework, but feel free to paint outside the lines.

Now go make a movie.

CARD -- So You're New To Hollywood: A guide to staying sane in a town where no one else is.

INT. HOLLYWOOD AGENCY OFFICE -- MORNING

TEMP X hurriedly hands an executive (a well starched Kevin Huvane-type) a Starbucks' cup. The executive takes a sip, processes the taste, spits it back in the cup and gives the cup back to Temp X.

EXECUTIVE #1
I said two sugars, not one! I'm not a goddamn diabetic.

The executive walks away. Temp X turns and sees the camera.

TEMP X
(in a moment of self-flagellation)
Stupid. Stupid me.
(as if surprised by the camera)
Oh. Hi. Welcome to "So You're New To Hollywood." If you're watching this video it means you're pursuing your dreams in the town where dreams are made. Congratulations.

Before you begin, realize your journey to the top is a long and sometimes treacherous road. But don't be deterred by the challenge. If you work hard, or happen to have "pictures" of Rupert Murdoch with a Shetland Pony, some day you'll be on that podium accepting a People Choice Award for your work on "Dukes of Hazzard 3."

But to get there, you'll have to survive working for the most dangerous and erratic of all people...

A young boy walks up.

YOUNG BOY
Meth addicts?

TEMP X
Ha. Ha. No. It's the Hollywood executive.
(to the kid as he musses the child's hair)
Now run along ya little scamp.
(to the camera)
As I was saying, if you can handle working for an your average Hollywood executive, this town can be a cinch. Let's look at an example.

CARD - The Trade Publications

INT. EXEC'S OFFICE

We catch the exec (early 30s, male, short, well dressed, eerily well groomed. Did I mention short?) in the midst of a telephone conversation.

EXECUTIVE #2
Yeah. I spent all weekend banging the Bionic Woman. She's a freak. She'll do anything for a...

An assistant (23, female, fresh faced, kind of cute) walks in and leaves a copy of Variety in the inbox. The exec looks exasperated that he has to each across his desk for it. When he lifts it up, a couple of business reply/subscription cards fall out.

EXECUTIVE #2
(To the person on the phone)
Hang on, I have to yell at my assistant.
(To assistant)
What the F.....!

TEMP X
(interrupts)
Freeze it!!

Characters freeze

TEMP X
Hollywood execs don't like business reply cards. To remove them, hold the magazine upside down and let gravity and Newton's First Law of Motion do its thing.

TEMP X demonstrates.

TEMP X
Like so.
(beat)
Now let's watch this scene play out again having removed all the cards from the magazine.

The scene starts again. The exec is on the telephone in the midst of a conversation.

EXECUTIVE #2
Yeah. I spent all weekend fucking the Bionic Woman. She's a freak. She'll do anything for a...

The assistant walks in and leaves a copy of Variety in the inbox. The exec looks exasperated that he has to each across his desk for it. When he lifts it up, nothing falls out.

EXECUTIVE #2
(to caller)
Hang on, I have to yell at my assistant.
(to assistant)
What? You waiting for tip? Go do something. Make lunch reservations...

Assistant starts to leave and agent leers at her.

EXECUTIVE #2
(to assistant)
And stop taking so many goddamn bathroom breaks.
(To caller)
Fucking kid's got a bladder the size of a peanut.

TEMP X
Congratulations. You're on your way to being a certified Hollywood assistant. See you next time when we'll discuss ROLLING CALLS. Until then, "Don't let 'em get you down."

Temp X starts to walk away. As he does Executive #1 returns.

EXECUTIVE #1
Who are you talking to? And where's my coffee.

THE END