Back to School with Temp X

Bright-eyed, nubile eager college freshman are moving into dorms all over America this week. They'll spend the next 4-6 years doing drugs, having sex and studying just enough to not flunk out. Lucky kids.

Some of these freshman will enroll in film school with dreams of making it in Hollywood. They'll take classes like "Screen Writing" or "Film History" and get to watch Battleship Potemkin, Birth of a Nation and Un Chien Andalou. Not so lucky kids.

But there's a bunch of classes that colleges don't offer. So to college administrators, I encourage you to update your offerings to keep pace with Hollywood. As Whitney Houston tells us, "Crack is Whack" "I believe that children are our future; Teach them well and let them lead the way." Here are some curriculum ideas courtesy of the Hollywood Temp Diaries:

Ass-Kissing 101: Learn how to convincingly say to your boss things like, "What hair plugs? I didn't notice." and "Of course I don't mind staying until 10:30 p.m. I enjoy cleaning your office." Includes Thursday night lab: Brewing the perfect latte.

Film History and Re-History: This course teaches the fine art of taking a classic movie and remaking it into a substandard version that will bomb. Case studies include Rollerball, Stepford Wives, The Poseidon Adventure, Planet of the Apes, Fever Pitch, House of Wax, The Shaggy Dog and about 100 other movies.

Spanish for Executives/Spanisho for Executivos: Raiding top-rated Latin American programs and bringing them to the U.S. is THE major trend in Hollywood (well, that and "fixing" a deviated septum). It's low risk and so simple a child can do it. In this class you'll learn to say things like, "I worko for el NBC. I want to buyo your programo. We no like to spend dinero for original conceptos."

Product Placement & Production Finance (presented by Pizza Hut): Find out the best way to minimize production costs through shameless product placement. You'll study network research that proves writers don't care if they have to incorporate lines like "Dad, can you pass me a cool, refreshing, one-calorie Diet Pepsi?" Case studies include: Cavemen, Viper, You've Got Mail and The Amazing Race.

Nepotism & Networking: Advancement in Hollywood is all based on who you know. This class will help you develop the critical skills of name dropping, cashing in favors and vacationing in Cape Cod. [Note: A parent or immediate relative must be a "Gold Circle" donor in order for you to gain admission to this course.]

Restaurant Management: You'll understand why you'll need it once you move here.

Good luck. Now get to studying.