Existential Crisis (eg-zi-sten-shuhl krahy-sis) -- 1. The psychologic panic and discomfort experienced when a human confronts questions of existence (e.g., Believing that one's life has no purpose or external meaning.) 2. A condition brought on by Temping in Hollywood.
would require recognition of your value. No. It's far worse. Temps like me are nothing more than a perforated sheet on the limitless paper towel roll in CAA's bathroom. While some people might use you and throw you out, you can just as easily be replaced by evaporation. 
Perhaps my crisis isn't representative of the rest of the Temp or Assistant world, but I think it is. I've seen you in the copy room or at your desk wondering when your idealized version of Hollywood, became your realistic version of Hollywood, which finally became your pessimistic version of Hollywood. But you persevere. And for that I admire your strength, your conviction and your desire to succeed in this town. You are my role models.
1 -- Number of nights the CW sold programming rights to Media Rights Capital 
* Dancing with the Stars, Worst Week, Ugly Betty, Life on Mars, The Moment of Truth, Kitchen Nightmares, Kath & Kim, The Office, Wife Swap, Super Nanny, America's Funniest Home Videos, American Idol, Hell's Kitchen, Secret Millionaire, 90210, Knight Rider, CSI: Miami, CSI: NY, Terminator: Sarah Connor Chronicles, Law & Order: SVU, Private Practice, The Game, Extreme Makeover: Home Edition, The Cleveland Show, The Office spin-off, Privileged, Lipstick Jungle, Smallville, Crusoe, Eleventh Hour, The Ex-List and Merlin
**Dancing with the Stars, America's Toughest Jobs, Biggest Loser, America's Next Top Model, Stylista, Deal or No Deal, Survivor, Moment of Truth, Kitchen Nightmares, Wife Swap, Super Nanny, Are you Smarter than a Fifth Grader, Don't forget the Lyrics, Cops, Americas Most Wanted, Extreme Makeover: Home Edition, America's Funniest Home Videos, The Amazing Race and American Idol
***based on Sheen's reported salary of $825,000/week and typical PA salary of $10/hr.
****CSI, CSI: Miami, CSI: NY, NCIS, Without a Trace, Numbers, Cold Case, Eleventh Hour, Criminal Minds, The Mentalist
This joke kills...well, assuming you know BASIC. If you don't ask your IT guy or click here.Temp X reply
I know who you are too. You're the capitalization- and punctuation-challenged poet -- e e cummings. What an honor that you're reading my stuff! Since you know who I am, I would appreciate a poem for when my birthday comes around -- but not in your usual sonnet style. That's so predictable.
Temp X reply
Wrong! The point of this blog is it's a lot cheaper than therapy. Also, please don't encourage people not to read this. It'll lower my advertising rates.
It's uppity little f*ckers like you that willingly enable the decline of industry credibility. Show a little solidarity and stop pretending you aren't as insignificant as the next asshole.Temp X reply
Clearly this person had too much coffee already. And as for industry credibility, Hollywood "jumped that shark" sometime between the release of Glitter and From Justin to Kelly.
Temp X reply
I too look forward to the day when I'm CEO of a major studio. At the rate I'm going, that should be in about the year 2352, which will coincide with the year Sumner Redstone retires from Viacom.
Letter #5Temp X reply
I love me too. That's Hollywood for you, a bunch of narcissists in need of constant validation from people they don't know. You can count me among them.
Ass-Kissing 101: Learn how to convincingly say to your boss things like, "What hair plugs? I didn't notice." and "Of course I don't mind staying until 10:30 p.m. I enjoy cleaning your office." Includes Thursday night lab: Brewing the perfect latte.
Product Placement & Production Finance (presented by Pizza Hut): Find out the best way to minimize production costs through shameless product placement. You'll study network research that proves writers don't care if they have to incorporate lines like "Dad, can you pass me a cool, refreshing, one-calorie Diet Pepsi?" Case studies include: Cavemen, Viper, You've Got Mail and The Amazing Race. 
name dropping, cashing in favors and vacationing in Cape Cod. [Note: A parent or immediate relative must be a "Gold Circle" donor in order for you to gain admission to this course.] 
Restaurant Management: You'll understand why you'll need it once you move here.ProStars: The movie -- Adaptation of the short-lived but popular kids TV cartoon starring Michael Jordan, Bo Jackson and Wayne Gretzky as they pass on their superhuman powers to the next generation of stars (LeBron, etc...)Worst idea ever, right? Wrong. Allow me to take you back in time to a simpler era...
The year was 1996. The Unemployment Rate was 5.4 and falling. Little Miss Sunshine, Abigail Breslin, was born. The Hoover Institution said Global Warming "would probably reduce mortality in the United States and provide Americans with valuable benefits." And Space Jam reigned supreme at the box office. It did? Really? You mean the film with noted thespians Michael Jordan, Charles Barkley and Patrick Ewing? The one where NBA stars play basketball against animated aliens? Yep.
Now that you've had a chance to revisit a time when you knew what the meaning of the word "is" is, let's guess Space Jam's worldwide take (in 1996 dollars):A. $40 millionThe correct answer is $230 million on an $80 million budget. You still ProStars: The Movie is a bad idea? Not for the studio that cleared $150 million.
B. $80 million
C. $160 million
D. $230 million
Like any good remake (e.g., Gus Van Sant's Psycho), it needs a little something to let the audience know you didn't just make an exact copy. Oh wait. Psycho matched the original shot-for-shot. Perhaps a better example is The Invasion. And since no one saw it ($15 million domestic gross on an $80 million budget), I can make reference to the Blimp fight at the end and you'll just have to believe me.Hi this is [Name Redacted] from [Company Redacted]. I'm calling regarding your interview tomorrow (thank God you're not answering the phone!). As it turns out we found a candidate (this one was holding) today and given the urgency in filling this position (the boss is going through withdrawal and it's getting ugly), we've extended an offer and this person accepted (meaning you're outta luck). Please call me to confirm that you received this message (I won't pick up so as to avoid an awkward situation). Best of luck in your job search.A typical Hollywood remake -- add a little more suspense and make a slightly happier ending (the "Best of Luck" line) and it'll play well in the "Fly-over" states.
(No salutation as I'm cutting and pasting this from another email)
Thank you for your interest in the position (whatever position this is, as I'm cutting and pasting this from another email.)
After careful consideration (the other candidates were better looking, related or holding), we (even though you only interviewed with me, I am worthy of the Royal "We") have decided to go in a different direction ("We" consider you not to be a "candidate" but a "direction") and you are no longer being considered at this time (or any other time).
Please know that this was a very difficult decision (I agonized over this for...oh who am I kidding, I forgot your name during the interview), and that you were an extremely qualified and personable candidate (because using "direction" here would be grammatically incorrect).
We (I'm still a collective noun) will keep your resume on file (strictly as an EEOC and legal requirement) and contact you should another position in the department (whatever department this is, as "We're" cutting and pasting this from another email) opens up in the near future (never).
"I completely understand. To get where I want in this town, that's something I'm more than willing to be."
I lied again. I was just tired of calling my Pimps every Friday to let them know I'm available. I often feel like the day laborers standing outside of Home Depot. Except those guys get paid more. A steady job would be nice.
"Yeah. Both Mac and PC. I'm a pro at rolling calls."ABC is bringing the Jennifer Lopez starrer "Maid in Manhattan" to the small screen.So does this mean the show takes place in Manhattan, Colorado? Manhattan, Illinois? Or Manhattan, Kansas?
The network is in negotiations for a series adaptation of the 2002 romantic comedy to be penned by Chad Hodge and executive produced by Lopez, Joe Roth and the film's producer, Elaine Goldsmith-Thomas.
The hourlong dramedy, which is getting a put pilot commitment, is not a remake of the hit feature, which centered on Marisa Ventura (Lopez), a struggling single mother from the Bronx who works as a maid at a swanky Manhattan hotel, where a rising politician guest (Ralph Fiennes) falls for her after mistaking her for a wealthy socialite.
"The show is a different maid in a different Manhattan," Hodge said.
But today I'd like to help out my friends at NBC. I give them a lot of grief and/or tough love. Sure their ratings have been stuck in the cellar longer than the Senator Martin's daughter in Silence of the Lambs. But I, Temp X, hero of the underpaid and underemployed, have a solution for the Peacock Network -- all Olympics all the time.
Sweaty Women in Bikinis -- Chuckle as you might, but Misty May and Kerri Walsh are bumping, setting and spiking (volleyball terms you pervs!) their way to the top of the Nielsens in their microkinis. Oh, and you probably know this same concept worked for the most watch show in world history -- Baywatch (a show that NBC canceled). So how about this idea -- a game show with models wearing slightly more than nothing and...err...oh, wait. That's Deal or No Deal.
l Phelps and his pursuit the Gold Medal record set by Mark Spitz and his pornstar moustache. But the real story for the ladies is hunky guys who are all wet. Meee-ow! And how could you forget the Water Polo players? May I recommend to NBC development a show where buff men in their early 20s often parade around shirtless and...oh...whatever happened to Friday Night Lights anyway?
People Eating Weird Food -- I like nothing more than watching reporters go to the Chinese markets and enjoy the local fare. So far I've seen two different NBC "news" people eat scorpions, lizards and duck head and pretend to enjoy it. These segments are rating dynamite. You want to turn away, but you can't help but watch. Maybe Ben and the Regurgitators could make a show where people do this same...oh wait...that was Fear Factor.
Hawaii 5-0 
Streets of San Francisco
[Cost for Final Draft -- $200] 
Word Processor, Spreadsheet and PowerPoint
I could see by my watch, without even taking my hand off the toner cartridge that it was eight-thirty in the evening. The building's HVAC system had just shut off for the night, meaning the copier room was about to get really hot really fast. And I had another forty scripts to copy and ship out that night.
But it's late now. They've all gone for the day. Dining at the Beverly Hills Hotel. Stealing clients most likely. Even if it's work, they'll be able to expense a meal that costs more than I make in a week. And then they'll complain about the service or the soup or the fold of the napkins. Whatever it is, I'll hear all about it while I do their expense report.
The smell of fuser burn combined with my own ripe scent hangs in front of the machine as I try to repair it. It was at that moment my experiences on the backroads of South Dakota on my Suzuki T10 Twin 250 returned to the fore of my temporal lobe. I'd recalled in Phaedrus, Pluto focused on consciousness of the journey rather than achieving the destination. I had attempted to incorporate that into my mail room responsibilities. To live in the moment. But I couldn't get past that fear of "Stuckness" - that somehow this collection of wires and rollers and toner that lay before me was my destiny. That all I'd studied and learned and believed about Quality was simply a myth shoved into Reality's back corner. I was simply a slave to a culture of risk-averse executives, nepotism and verbal regurgitation.
Men delivered ratings that thumped last year's season average (although only marginally better on a YOY basis). In fact most people seemed blissfully unaware that AMC is even a network, with many still thinking the acronym is that of American Motors Corporation, the inventor of the Jeep.
TMZ, Defamer, Perez Hilton or Nikki Finke: It appears the blogosphere has geographic boundaries as the obsession with everything Hollywood appears to be limited to...well...only within Hollywood.
