Plotting to take over Hollywood

Delusions of grandeur aren't anything new to Hollywood. In fact, vanity and self importance fuel this town just as much as cocaine and overpriced (but expensed) lunches. How else can you explain the self-congratulatory programming known as the Oscars, Emmys, Day Time Emmys, Golden Globes, People Choice Awards...well you get the point.

During lunch yesterday, [NAME REDACTED] and Temp X hatched a scheme to take over Hollywood. Here's how it went down...

INT. MEXICAN RESTAURANT -- MID DAY

TEMP X is at a booth awaiting his friend's arrival. While reading the menu, a group of midgets sits down at the table behind him. (An homage to Fellini or just dumb luck?!) Moments later, his friend NAME REDACTED shows up wearing cut-offs, a sweatshirt and sunglasses. This is her second day of unemployment following the dissolution of [COMPANY NAME REDACTED] scripted program division. The waiter arrives moments later.

WAITER
Can I interest you in...?

NAME REDACTED
(interrupts)
Margarita on the rocks, extra strong, no salt.

TEMP X
(equal urgency)
Negro Modelo.

WAITER
(taken aback)
Gracias.

The waiter leaves.

TEMP X
How's the job search?

NAME REDACTED
Well, I got the UTA list and I'm on some message boards and...(long pause)...You know what? This is bullshit. I'm not going back to being anyone's assistant. Been there. Done that. I want to produce. You want to write. Let's get a production company going...

TEMP X
Uh, the only thing we're qualified to do is what we're already doing. And as you're unemployed and I can't get a full-time job, this does not bode well.

The waiter returns with the drinks. NAME REDACTED takes a sip of her margarita. Her eyes instantly water-up.

NAME REDACTED
Wow, that's strong!

TEMP X
Lucky you.

NAME REDACTED
I know!
(beat)
So let's start a production company.

TEMP X
With whose money? I made $400 last week and...(introspective drink and pause)...Wait. Screw it. You're right. I'd rather bomb out aiming high than bomb out through modern day indentured servitude. So, you got any rich friends?

NAME REDACTED
No. Do you?

TEMP X
Uhhh....A friend of a friend runs a hedge fund.

NAME REDACTED
What's a hedge fund?

TEMP X
I don't actually know. I think it's a bunch of rich people looking for legal places to put their cash.

NAME REDACTED
Oh cool. And they'd give us money?

TEMP X
I don't know. Maybe.

NAME REDACTED takes a long draw from her margarita.

NAME REDACTED
Is it hard to get money? We've never made anything. Well, I made stuff in film school and you've...uhh...done those YouTube things.

TEMP X
Yeah, that is a wrinkle, eh? But we're smart and have good ideas. So we're half way there, right?
(beat)
Hey, did you see they're making a movie of "The A-Team."

NAME REDACTED
I know. And "Escape From New York"...again.

TEMP X
And "Point Break 2."

NAME REDACTED
Is it me, or are the only things that get financed are remakes, sequels and shows from the BBC?

TEMP X
It's not just you. Lower risk. Built in audience. I guess. It's either that or people are just lazy and figure no one will notice.

NAME REDACTED
But we don't want to remake anything.

TEMP X
Hell no!

NAME REDACTED sucks up what's left of her drink and looks up solemnly.

NAME REDACTED
Think anyone will give us money?

Long, awkward silence fills the conversation. The waiter arrives.

WAITER
Are you ready to...?

NAME REDACTED
(interrupts)
Margarita, extra strong, on the rocks, no salt.

TEMP X
(equal urgency)
Negro Modelo.

THE END

[Post Script - This is actually from EASTENDERS, episode 206. It is a lot less work to drop in a piece of the script and Americanize the names.]