Potty Break

April 10, 2008

"I think I have irritable bowel syndrome." This is never something you want to hear on a job. But this is life as a temp in Hollywood. Let's start from the beginning.

Today I started a 2-day assignment at a film production company that is responsible for a very successful film franchise. Anyway, the person I'm working for is actually quite nice (this is rare) and gave me real work (this is rarer). But while she was off at a meeting, I'm left minding the fort. In comes a person I don't work for, have never worked for and doesn't work for the company I am working for -- call her Madam Bowelvary. Let's write this like a screen play.

INT. PRODUCTION COMPANY -- AFTERNOON

MADAM BOWELVARY
Hi. Where's (name)?

TEMP
(Name)'s at a meeting. She should be back in a half hour or so.

MADAM BOWELVARY
Hmmm. Hey, mind if I sleep on her couch for 15 minutes?

Temp sits there and thinks to himself for a moment, "I don't know who you are or what your name is...Wait, are you homeless?"

TEMP
I don't know. I'm just a temp. so...

MADAM BOWELVARY
So can you send an email and ask (Name) if I can sleep on the couch? Just a quick nap. I'm having coffee in 15 minutes with (another Exec/COFFEE DATE) and I'm beat.

Temp notices MADAM BOWELVARY is checking emails on a Blackberry while asking this question. Temp ponders a witty retort like "You have fingers, don't you?" but decides it's not smart to annoy people who can buy your scripts.

MADAM BOWELVARY
Just write "(Name) is here. Can she sleep on her couch?"

Temp types this in and hits SEND.

10 minutes later. No response.

MADAM BOWELVARY
Hey can you send an email to COFFEE DATE and tell him to come down here when he's ready for coffee.

Again, Temp wonders "When did you become my boss? You don't work here. It's as if I went into McDonald's and said 'Give me a Whopper with Cheese....Yes, I know this isn't a Burger King...Now go over to Burger King, get me a Whopper with Cheese, bring it back to McDonalds and give it to me.'" Temp sends the email anyway for the same reason as mentioned above.

MADAM BOWELVARY
I'm gonna use the bathroom.

The exec goes to the john. While in there, the COFFEE DATE walks down and enters the office.

COFFEE DATE
Where's (name)?

MADAM BOWELVARY
(O.C)
I'm in here. I'll be right out.

Toilet flushes. The distinctive sound and smell of Lysol emerges. Bathroom door opens. A waft of disinfected air exits the bathroom with MADAM B.

MADAM BOWELVARY
(to Coffee Date)
I think I have irritable bowel syndrome...

The two execs exit the office. Temp is left there alone again. The fumes from the bathroom are almost overpowering. The toilet runs.

10 minutes later. Temp's boss returns.

TEMP'S BOSS
I got your email. Was that a joke?

TEMP
No. It was (name).

TEMP'S BOSS
Who?

-the end-