Hollywood's Worst of 2008

Hollywood execs are full of bad ideas. This isn't anything new. But we're not here to discuss bad ideas from yore like Supertrain or Joey (and Hollywood's inability to learn anything), this is about the year that was.

Without any further adieu, here's a list of Hollywood's grand Fuck Ups of 2008...

[Note: I'm sure I'm missing a bunch of them. Please send along your faves as I will compile them.]

SAG Threatened Strike -- This seemed like a perfectly good idea until a combination of the obvious and really obvious kicked in -- shows could go AFTRA instead, every other union has settled, people remember not working during the WGA strike, oh, and the economy is in the toilet. The only person who couldn't figure this out without serious help is the soon-to-be ex-Mr. Marg Helgenberger. Luckily he pulled his head out of his ass long enough to think about it.

Rosie's Variety Show -- It takes a special degree of bad to sub for a show that's being cancelled and pull worse ratings. Worse than Knight Rider?! [Just a thought: Perhaps Conan O'Brien should have seen the pie in the face gag on Rosie's show as some sort of omen?]

The CW's Sunday Night alternative -- In a move that makes Sarah Palin's jet/eBay fiasco look like genius, The CW sold off programming rights for Sunday night to Media Rights Capital. It's a perfectly good idea except that it puts someone else in control of your product and your brand. Kinda like putting a Buick logo on a (errr...what kind of car is worse than a Buick). Anyway, when the ratings came in the deal fell apart and The CW looks sillier than it already does.

Harry Potter coming sooner or later to a theater near you -- Lest we forget the cover of Entertainment Weekly's Fall 2008 movie preview had Mr. Harry himself in all his wizardly garb. The only problem is that EW's sister company decided to push back the release date until Summer 2009 but didn't tell the magazine.

A reality show featuring [imprisoned athlete name redacted] -- As much as I'd love to tell you who this is, my Temp code of ethics prevents me from doing so. But suffice it to say, this is a shameful, pathetic, embarrassing idea -- no wonder it's generating interest. If this show sells before one of mine, I'm giving up and moving. Either that or I'll get arrested for [crime redacted] and [other crime redacted]. Then I'll make it in this town.

TheWB.com -- Warner Bros incorporated in 1923, owns thousands of films and TV properties worth watching (and selling advertising on, thus making money, boosting revenues, etc.) and the best they can do on TheWB.com is Friends and A Boy Wearing Make Up. They'll say they're targeting "tweens" or "Gen Z" or some other microdemographic, but the reality is Hulu is kicking their ass. Methinks they should get together with their corporate sibling AOL's site In2TV (yeah, I've never heard of it either and yes, it's a terrible name) and make a product people might want to watch.

Not Hiring Temp X -- By not hiring me because I have: a) too much experience, b) not enough experience, c) never set up a paintball party, d) etc. -- you've put yourself in a situation where now I temp just to make fun of you. So for every Hollywood exec who leaves at 3 p.m. every Wednesday for a "massage," has their assistants messenger their cocaine for them, asks their assistants to lie to cover up their infidelity or throws phones at people because they can -- Thank You. You are all my Muses.

See you in 2009.

Merry X-mas (get it, that's a play on Temp X, oh forget it)

The Bronzed Fonz is a much better as a Summer travel idea, that is unless you prefer it to be -5 degrees with 30 mph winds.

Stupid Interview Question -- The Holiday Edition

I suppose with it being Christmas and all, it's only appropriate that one of my loyal readers offered the following question from an interview with a Hollywood executive...

"Do you know which way is North?"

If you have one of your own, please send them along to TempX@tempdiaries.com. I promise your identity will be protected.

Happy Holidays

Most of Hollywood will be on vacation for the next two weeks (except the Temps who will go in, sit at a desk, watch the phone not ring, collect a check and go home). So this may or may not be my last posting for 2008. If it is, have a great Christmahanukwansakahboxing Day and a happy New YearsawhatevertheycelebrateinCanada. If it isn't, chances are I'll do a posting of the worst Hollywood had to offer in 2008 some time next week.

And now to get you in the mood for the season, I present to you, the WPIX yule log.

Love and Hate Mail -- Volume 3

With increased readership apparently comes increased venom. And rather than blame the executives for coming up with bad ideas, politicians for killing the economy or their parents for some sort of Freudian issue, fans of the Hollywood Temp Diaries yell at me. How am I the asshole? I need instructions on how to roll calls.


Letter #1: Hey, you're an NU alum? Shitty newsletter represent!

Temp X responds: After 4 years in Evanston, 45 classes, 2 degrees, a GPA in majors of 3.1 and 3.5, lots of beer and one fantastic impersonation of the late Vladamir Nabakov -- I have absolutely no idea what you are talking about. Are you sure you didn't go to the cooking school up the street?


Letter #2: Your blog is possibly he most useful thing on the internet for people who are starting out in the business. Thank you.

Temp X responds: If you keep working at it, you can be as successful as I am -- a Temp.


Letter #3 (Re: "Hollywood Dictionary -- Part 3"): The Black List (notice slight spelling difference) is explicitly not a list of the "best" - at most it's the "most well liked" unproduced (not unsigned) scripts.

Temp X responds: You are correct because unfortunately the "best" scripts in Hollywood are usually those that go "unproduced." This reminds me of a quote I heard earlier in the year, "Give me a pound. Lock it down. Break the pickle. Tickle, Tickle!" Now that's quality Hollywood material.


Letter #4 (Re: "More crap that might be coming soon to a theater near you...") :
You make $20,000 per year and we're supposed to think you're wise in your choice of Obama over McCain? Do you even know what you're talking about, other than repeating what you hear everyone else say? Which is essentially nothing?

Temp X responds: While I am reluctant to discus politics on a site dedicated to trying to help the underemployed find jobs or at least stomach the one they're in, I'll indulge just this once (Obama winning makes this slightly more enjoyable too). But to address your question, I believe what you're suggesting is there's a correlation between wealth and knowledge. I beg to differ. Look at George Bush. He's got tons of money and he's dumb as shit.


And as a special bonus, the following is a response to a pitch I sent to select reporters. The title of the email was "It's Layoff Season and the Hollywood Temp Diaries is here to Help." The content you may have seen on other sites. Well it didn't take long for The Hollywood Reporter to respond...

THR responds: As of December 4, 2008 I am no longer employed at The Hollywood Reporter. If you have THR-related questions, please call the L.A. office at 323-525-2000. If you would like to contact me personally, my email is [email redacted]. Thanks!

Christmas Day 2008 offers a terrible selection of movies. Which idea is the worst?

Final Results:

Hitler triumphs over good -- 42%
Adam Sandler getting kicked in various body parts -- 12%
Sin City: Part 1 1/2 -- Hot Chicks with Guns -- 9%
The Curious Case of Brad Pitt taking his shirt of repeatedly -- 16%
I'm over Brad Pitt, really. Look I'm doing a movie with a dog. -- 18%

New Year's Resolutions for your Boss

Movie studio and TV network executives are busy people. They have to make sure their advertisers, business partners and/or actors are happy. They need to make sure they're on budget (or at least not drastically over budget). And most importantly, they have to make sure they're employees aren't completely miserable or fearing for their jobs.

Sadly this doesn't leave a lot of time for reflection and analysis, something that is necessary as we come up with our New Year's resolutions.

But the folks at the Hollywood Temp Diaries are here to help. We've developed a list of resolutions these busy execs can choose from. We recommend selecting at least five from the following list. Chances are you'll forget two of them, screw up two more and attempt to keep one. Even achieving that step may make Hollywood a better place.

[Note: If you're not sure which applies to you, please quit and move out of town.]

• No more circus-related TV shows.
• Ask your assistant about his/her career goals. Listen and try to help.
• Don't create shows that will obviously fail (eg., Opportunity Knocks, Crusoe, Do Not Disturb)
• Don't spend $150 million on movies with narrow appeal (e.g., Speed Racer, Australia)
• Treat your assistant like a educated, well-informed and valued member of the team.
• Do your part to make sure there's not another strike.
  
• Recognize that everyone's time is valuable.
• Learn your assistant's name.
• Don't put Eddie Murphy in a "fat suit" ever again.
• Recognize that cable/satellite market penetration is up to 92 percent market penetration -- meaning 9 out of 10 people can watch networks with better programs like TNT, FX and Showtime.
• Don't make any dance competition shows -- five is five too many (DWTS, DW: B vs CA, ABDC, SYTYCD, SOD).
• Pay your assistant more. They deserve and need every penny.
  
• Don't remake every movie (or these) from the early 1980s.
• Don't turn every last comic book into a movie.
  
• Quit hitting on your assistant.
• Buy the rights to the Hollywood Temp Diaries (this is applicable to both TV and movie execs.)
  

And here's my resolution...

• Make less fun of Ben Silverman (Dammit, he's gonna get a contract extension.)

Yet another stupid interview question

So many stupid questions, so little time. Here's a query one of my loyal readers got during an interview to work for a Grammy winning artist...

"Do you mind having weed blown in your face?"


If you have one of your own, please send them along to TempX@tempdiaries.com. I promise your identity will be protected.

The Hollywood Temp Diaries Christmas Party

If you still have a job, chances are your company Christmas party has been canceled. Or if you're lucky enough to corporately celebrate this season of giving, the festivities probably consist of two slices of Papa John's pizza and an Emmy screener in the conference room.

We all long for the days when companies spent money frivolously on holiday parties rather than on their administrative assistants' salaries. But renting out Beverly Wilshire Hotel, serving free liquor and gorging on gourmet food -- those days are gone.

But let's imagine the economy isn't in the toilet. Let's imagine that you got a Christmas "bonus," and your employer had a Christmas party. Here's what the Christmas party would have been like for you -- the lowly assistant. So sit back, crack open the emergency bottle of Jack Daniel's you have stored at your desk and imagine...



"Well hello!! You look nice this evening. I'm [insert name of perky HR staffer]. I know this is your first Christmas...I mean Holiday...party with us. You'll have a great time. Last year's party was legendary. The highlight was when [A-list client] showed up and did Jimmy Stewart's monologue from It's a Wonderful Life. Sigh. But he's not a client any more after that unfortunate run-in with the Malibu police and an inflatable sheep.

Anyhoo. I'll take you on a little tour and after that you can be on you merry way. Oooh. That was punny. Huh?!

Ok, so here we have the appetizer table. You'll see that everything is vegan because the Big Guy's new girlfriend Krissie is vegan. So you can have soy cheese and crackers, carrots, No-Meat Balls or Tempeh.

We have an open bar. Executives, professional staff and their dates get top shelf liquor. But you support staff, you get a real treat. It's a new brand I just heard about from my housekeeper. It's called Popov Vodka. And it comes smartly packaged in a plastic bottle. The bartender will make one of those vodka and Energy Drink cocktails that are so popular with you kids. Or, if you like wine, we have a very special selection from Boone's Farm, which I believe is from the same valley in Australia as the Penfolds Grange Hermitage.

Since a group of your co-workers are in the throes of the Master Cleanser diet, we even have a have a pitcher of that water, lemon juice, syrup and cayenne pepper concoction.

For dinner you have a choice of chicken-flavored tofu, beef-flavored tofu or sushi-flavored tofu. I'm telling you, if I didn't tell you it was bean curd, you'd never know.

Of course the assistants have their own dining area. We know you guys will want to get together and talk about the latest Heidi and Spencer news. Let me show you...it's right through this door. That's correct. Through the kitchen. Turn left at the Filet Mignon (ok, a few people are going to have meat. We snuck it in. Shhh). No, keep going past the sous chefs who are preparing the White Truffle. Yep. It's behind that door. The one that says EXIT on it. Your table is right next to the valet parking stand. Yeah. Next to the speed bump.

Have a great time!! And Happy Holidays."

A new Christmas Carol -- "O Silverman!"

Temp X is in the holiday spirit today. Perhaps it's the chill in the air. Maybe it's just remnants from yesterday's sugar high (wretched holiday candy!). Or perhaps it's the prospect of another strike. But whatever is making me feel Santa-stic, I'm just giddy.

So enjoy my ode to the holidays. And for everyone who can't afford trimmings for your Christmas tree due to your meager or non-existent wages, I've created a star you can top your shrubbery with.

O Silverman! O Silverman!
Thy network is so dying;
O Silverman! O Silverman!
Thy network you are killing;
Your programs suck when summer's here,
But also when 'tis cold and drear.
O Silverman! O Silverman!
I guess I will Chime In?

O Silverman! O Silverman!
Thy lay-offs will not help thee;
O Silverman! O Silverman!
You sought success with Rosie;
That she drew less than Knight Rider
Was not a big surprise-er!
O Silverman! O Silverman!
What ever are you smoking? (According to Nikki Finke not me.)

O Silverman! O Silverman!
You've got lots of "F-U" money!
O Silverman! O Silverman!
We are not all so lucky!
The prom wreckers you called "ugly,"
Are standing in line at EDD.
O Silverman! O Silverman!
And then you went skiing?!

Merry Christmas everyone?!

Copyright Infringement Theatre

Courtesy of toothpastefordinner.com

Stupid Interview Questions

Last week The Hollywood Temp Diaries kicked off a new item featuring the best stupid question you've gotten during an interview with a Tinseltown exec.

Here's one that came in from one of my loyal readers...

If you could be any part of a salad, what part would you be and why?

(I think it's becoming clearer how projects like Repo: The Genetic Opera get greenlit.)

If you have one of your own, please send them along to TempX@tempdiaries.com. I promise your identity will be protected.

An Editorial from Temp X

I'm sure Nikki Finke is a lovely person. And I would be foolish to ignore the attention she's brought to my site. She offers a valued service to the Hollywood community and is certainly very popular. But let me be clear -- I am NOT EXPLOITING THE NEW LAYOFFS IN HOLLYWOOD as stated in yesterday's headline.

The above photo is my earnings statement from the Social Security Administration (dated November 19, 2008). As you can see I made $15,193 in 2006 (partly my responsibility as I took 2 months to write a script) and $25,082 in 2007. If my math is right, I'm on pace to make somewhere around $21,000 this year.

If this is indicative of exploitative behavior, then I'm worse for capitalism than the Bush administration. Further, my site is free. I have no advertisers. I spend a hell of a lot of time updating it (probably to the detriment of the projects I should be working on). So to suggest that I have nefarious goals is both absurd and illogical.

I offer my site as a way for fellow dregs of the entertainment society to laugh, commiserate and get information about getting out of that shitty, underpaying, (and dare I say) EXPLOITATIVE job they're at right now.

Certainly I some day hope to make it in Hollywood. It's something I've wanted to do since I was 12. And maybe this blog will help me get to that place. But I'm not counting on it.


P.S. And for the first comment from "Mysterious Stranger" that I am AMPTP president Nick Counter, if I am, I've negotiated the worst contract in history and should probably not head this organization.

P.P.S. Now that everyone knows how much I make, I'll never get a date. Sigh.

Don't say I didn't warn you

Knight Rider is dead. I know! Shocker. Let's take a look back and celebrate the great moments we had together before we never speak of it again...

• The Launch of the Cancellation Countdown
• Opening Knight
• The Knight Rider Blogalong
• The Resuscitation
• The "Not quite as popular as Obama's Infomercial" episode

I don't enjoy others failing. But I do enjoy crappy shows getting dumped in hopes that maybe, just maybe, they'll get replaced with something decent.

Ben, if you're listening, I have a few ideas I'd like to pitch to fill that vacant hour. The first one is about an evil TV producer-turned-network executive who profits handsomely while driving his network into the ground. Think Wall Street meets UHF. Nah, no one would believe that.

A New Feature -- Stupid Interview Questions

Hollywood is filled with morons. And with this reality comes another truth -- stupid people ask stupid questions.

The Hollywood Temp Diaries is starting a new item featuring the best of the stupid questions you've gotten during an interview. If you have some, please send them along to TempX@tempdiaries.com. I promise your identity will be protected.

So to start this fun off, here's one I got at a production company...

Do you know how to ride a motorcycle?

Merry Xmas from SAG

That lump of coal SAG just put in your stocking is trading at $12.46 (+$0.86)...or as we Temps call it, an hours' pay. The following is the latest on the AMPTP/SAG negotiations.

Time for everyone to find a new career. I call dibs on being host of Jeopardy!

********************

Member Town Hall Meeting in Los Angeles

The AMPTP has failed to address the needs of actors at the bargaining table despite the efforts of your negotiating team and the intervention of a federal mediator. Your national negotiating committee has directed that a strike authorization ballot be sent to paid up SAG members for their consideration and approval. This Town Hall meeting will give Hollywood members an update on the negotiations and a chance to ask questions about the upcoming strike authorization ballot referendum. A strike authorization from SAG members will show the AMPTP that the unique needs of actors cannot be addressed by a pattern of bargaining. Actors needs must be addressed for deal to be made. Don't miss this important meeting. Let your voice be heard.

When: Monday, December 8th, 2008
7 p.m. – 9:30 p.m.

Where: Harmony Gold Preview House
7655 Sunset Boulevard
Los Angeles, CA 90046

Note: Please Bring your SAG membership card (paid thru October 2008) for admittance. Parents/Guardians of SAG members under 18 years old may attend with the minor.

********************
[Note: If the preceding pisses you off or makes you fear for your job, read the following Open Letter to SAG. Send it to your friends. Maybe someone will pay attention to us.]

Hollywood Dictionary -- Volume 3

Etymology is a funny thing. One day "bad" and it means you dislike something. The next day it means it's the greatest thing ever. Hollywood offers its own lingo, but for the uninformed, all these terms sound like Gibberish.

So the folks at The Hollywood Temp Diaries are here to help you (see Part 1 and Part 2 for previous examples) and clue you into the popular vernacular in this town.

Avail (as in, "When is her next avail?") -- The truncated version of "availability." I'd write something clever here, but I'm busy now. Let me check my avails to do this later. Uh oh. I just did it, didn't I?

THX - Strangely this Hollywood term has nothing to do George Lucas' company or that earsplitting noise you'll hear at the multiplex. This is simply assistant speak for "thanks," which is the informal version of "thank you" (abbreviated "TY"). How is it that the abbreviation of the shortened version is actually longer than the abbreviation of the longer version?

Have (frequently used in, "I don't have this person") -- No one in Hollywood actually owns anything. Their BMW X5 - leased. Their idea for the next great movie - owned by the studio that made it the first time. Their date to the Benjamin Button premiere - an escort. So when an assistant says they "don't have" their boss, they simply mean this Hollywood exec is busy doing something way more important and is unavailable to speak to you. Such activities may include playing Guitar Hero, doing cocaine or flirting shamelessly with a client.

The Blacklist - One assistant famously thought this was a throwback to the House Committee on Un-American Activities. Actually it's just a just a list of the "best" unsigned movies, all of which will eventually be directed by Jason Reitman.

In the Canyon (used in, "I can't hear you, I'm in the Canyon") -- Your boss's iPhone can do everything from taking pictures, to playing music, to recommending which 5-star sushi restaurant they should expense today. The one thing it can't do is get good reception, especially when taking Laurel Canyon or Coldwater Canyon. This is also a Hollywood exec's best excuse for getting off the line with an agent by faking being "In the Canyon."

More news from outside Hollywoodland...

Like many do on Thanksgiving weekend, Temp X spent the last few days outside the Hollywood bubble. (Once every three months is all I get.) This is always fun because I'm quickly reminded that the rest of the world doesn't spend 24/7 talking about whatever project their "developing." For those of you who didn't venture north of the 210 freeway, south of the 105 or east of the 5 or west of PCH, here's what the rest of the world is doing and talking about...

Baby Pictures -- Holidays are a great time to get together with family and talk about what's new. But when you've added a new member to the family (say a spouse or in-laws) it's fun to talk about the good old days. Outside the bubble they do this by looking at baby pictures, elementary school yearbooks and vacation photos where you're in an outfit that you now attempt to re-create for Halloween.

Cold Stone Creamery -- Ice cream is a great treat for that break in between shopping and more shopping. Try their French Vanilla ice cream, mix in fudge, sprinkles and a brownie. Then drop the whole thing on a waffle cone. For the duration of the 1,000 calorie experience you'll have forgotten that the economy is in shambles, the stock market is tanking and your job will be gone within 3 months.

Politics -- Love him or think he's an uninformed blowhard, Bill O'Reilly can spark a fun conversation around a pile of leftover turkey, ham and stuffing. Just make sure that the discourse doesn't get too heated or food will start to fly like your average Jerry Springer Holiday Special.

Mid-terms -- Some people are lucky enough to be students and thus are oblivious to overnight ratings, SAG/AFTRA "negotiations" and what remake is next in line at the box office. These people talk about interesting topics like German propaganda in World War I and sin waves during the blending of cubic zirconium. [Tip for Assistants: Join the conversation and you'll be reminded your brain can be used for things other than getting a new Kleenex box for your boss.]

How awful the Rosie O'Donnell Special was -- Like bad karaoke or your upstairs neighbors having sex at 3 a.m., some things are annoying and impossible to ignore. So even those outside the Hollywood bubble couldn't miss how bad this Ben Silverman dream was. Pick your least favorite part -- Conan O'Brien getting a pie in the face, Jane Krakowski doing a song of product placements or Rosie (still convinced she can sing) dueting with Liza Minelli. And you wonder why it only pulled a 1.2.

What I am thankful for

Every hack newspaper columnist in America will write a column about what they're thankful for this Thanksgiving season. Not to be outdone, and because I couldn't think of anything better to write, here's the list of things I'm thankful for...


Ben Silverman...If it wasn't for you and your gross incompetence, I wouldn't have material for a good 20 percent of my postings. Good luck with that Rosie O'Donnell variety show. It can't do any worse in that time slot than Knight Rider.

Spherion...My main pimps. I'm on pace to make $20k this year, and I can thank them for about $12k of it.

YouTube...For having any music video I want, any time I want. On that note, how about some Ratt.

My co-worker...For just saying the dumbest thing ever. God, I wish I could tell you. But then my cover might be blown. Just laugh for about the next half hour. It'll accomplish the same thing.

Warner Bros TV...For always having leftovers from the weekly staff meetings. But please speed these meetings up. All your assistants are hungry.

Canon...For making copiers that don't jam. Did I just say that? Ugh. I've been temping too long.

It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia...For proof that sitcoms aren't dead, they just need strong writing, interesting characters and funny stories. Hmmm. What a novel idea!

Hunter S. Thompson...For teaching me that writing drunk is a skill that requires a lot of practice.

Mac...For developing an operating system that doesn't crash while running a virus scan.

That prick who robbed me...For not shooting me.

Dog X...For keeping my feet warm.

Bill Fox...For offering the best advice ever for an aspiring comedy writer, "Think of all the people you know and make fun of them."

Brick Tamland...No reason. Ok, maybe a couple reasons.

Hollywood Executives...For being oblivious to your own idiocy.

You...If it weren't for you, my loyal fans, I'd be writing this blog any way, making no money and...wait a second....Screw you guys! You've done nothing but sponge off me...Fine, I'll let it go.

Me...For just being my normal, self-absorbed genius.

Happy Thanksgiving! Oh, and if you're a Temp, you won't get paid for these days off.

See yesterday's posting

I still feel the same way today, especially after reading this article from Variety.

On the plus side, my unemployment check came through yesterday. At least I won't have to deal trying to get through to a EDD rep when the shit really hits the fan.

An Open Letter To SAG

Federally-mediated talks between the Screen Actors Guild and AMPTP (the producers) broke down this weekend after contract negotiations failed. Rather than revisit the discussion, SAG is lining up to authorize a strike vote.

Temp X is none too pleased with this turn of events. So following is an open letter to SAG. If you don't agree, start your own blog.

Dear SAG Leadership:

You're a bunch of Jackasses.

That felt good. Everyone repeat along with me.

You're a bunch of Jackasses.

Ok, now I'll explain why.

We're less than a year removed from the WGA strike that put a lot of us on unemployment and you've decided it might be time to strike again.

I'm not a member of your union. I'm not an actor nor do I ever care to be one. So you probably don't care what I have to say. But I can assure you that all your assistants do. All the people who answer your agent's phone and manage their schedules do. All the people who read the breakdowns (that's industry speak for possible work), get you resies at The Farm and make sure your latte has Splenda and not Equal do.

There's no union for Temps and Assistants in Hollywood. Our job stability is balanced on a tripod of our hard work, the economy and labor relations. And you're looking to break a leg when one is already very wobbly.

There are hundreds of thousands of people who rely on this industry to put food in their dog bowl (for their dog, we just eat the leftovers from staff meetings), get quarters for their laundry and pay for the cheap beer.

You did nothing for nearly four months (or 29% on the Dow Jones if that helps). Now you're in the worst possible bargaining position and decide it's time to play hard ball? This is logic you'd normally associate with the Bush administration. But you've apparently co-opted it. Bad decision.

May I make a simple suggestion. Review the agreements from AFTRA, the DGA, the WGA and just photocopy them and sign. If it's good enough for them, it's good enough for you. Need I remind you that TV viewership in the delicious 18-49 demo is down 13% from last year in no small part thanks to the Writers' strike. Ratings declines means fewer ad dollars, smaller pay checks and fewer jobs. If ratings go any lower, you'll all be replaced by dramatic prairie dog and I'll have to go back to work for a mutual fund company.

No one wants that. Please settle this dispute now.

Happy Monday,
Temp X

BOLT ("there's Pixar, and there's Pixaren't" -- Chicago Tribune) hits the box office this weekend. Which of the movie's stars is more annoying?

Final Results:

John Travolta -- 13%
Miley Cyrus -- 87%

And now Maya Angelou with the traffic report

So I'm on my way home yesterday and who should I see with her arm extended and thumb pointed skyward, but periodic contributor to the Hollywood Temp Diaries and national treasure Maya Angelou.

I wasn't in much of a mood to write last night. But lucky for me, Maya was. Trapped on I-10 between 26th Street and La Cienega she began to scribble furiously in her note pad. When I dropped her off at her destination (which was curiously near the Pleasure Chest), she handed me what she'd written. "It's the least I could do," she said. What a woman.

URBAN. URBANE. OR BANE

12 lanes slicing though

Culver City

Bisecting sprawl from

more...

Sprawl.

I dream of being home

On the couch,

Asleep

or

Watching Jeopardy!

Potent Potables for $1600.

The Christopher Columbus Highway

Going,

Nowhere,

Slowly.

Jacksonville is 3500 miles hence

At our current

"Pace"

15 days with no stops

even for

Gas

Food

or Lodging.

Barely faster than Horatio Nelson Jackson did in 1903.

Horns are useless instruments of noise. I wish there were

Noise Statutes. Right Danny?

I blame

Henry Waxman

His moustache,

Non-existent methane pockets and

Special interests.

Killing the

Subway to the Sea

How low can the speedometer go? Is the engine

overheating?

A traffic jam for what?

A Clippers game!

Nothing makes sense in Hollywood.

It never will.

What temp agencies SHOULD test you on

Temp Pimps put every candidate -- regardless of education or work experience -- through a battery of needless tests before sending them to their John. Know how to format a spreadsheet for the Mexican Peso? 5 points. Can you run a macro on MS Word? 5 more. Figure out where the error is in the following and you might be worth of tempdom...

$ cat main1.c
#!/usr/bin/ccod
=pragma CCOD:script no
int main(
int argc, char** argv )
{
printf("Temping Rules!\n");
return 0;
}
$ chmod +x main1.c
s ./main1.c

The fact is you don't these skills as a Hollywood Temp. Your Pimp should test you only on the skills below, as they are totally demeaning or create the illusion that you're busy (thus helping you avoid the demeaning work). Learning how to sublimate your anger helps too.

Furniture Transport and Arrangement -- This skill requires the strength of Hercules, the speed of Mercury and the balance of a Flying Wallenda. Here's the test, it's 10 minutes until the staff meeting and you need to move 50 chairs into a conference room that's only designed for 25 (per the Burbank Fire Code). Think you're good at Tetris. Here's your chance to put it to the test.

Email Refresh -- Ever since potential employers started requesting interviews by email rather than calling, I've found my "Check My Inbox" click count has gone through the roof. Or perhaps it's a consequence of my desire for human contact? Temps need love too!! I probably checked my email 100 times yesterday. Can you top that count?

Web Looking -- There are more than 100 million websites. Assuming your work day offers you 32,400 seconds of computer-gazing inactivity, how many sites can you view during the allotted time? Are you the Usain Bolt of wasting time? Or, like convicted felon and U.S. Senator Ted Stevens, do you think the Internet is a series of tubes -- thus rendering any efforts to waste time...well...a waste of time.


Name that iTune -- Most assistants have iTunes installed on their computers. They usually play it to drown out the crying of the person one cubicle over. As for the test, set the play list to "Shuffle" and see how long until you can "Name that iTune." [Note: To add a degree of difficulty, only shuffle the following bands -- My Morning Jacket, Good Charlotte, Panic at the Disco and Taking Back Sunday -- and see if you can tell the difference.]

Predict the end of the print out -- If you know you're making 6 copies of a 118 pages script (one for your boss's office, one for your boss's home, one for the development exec, one for legal, one for the assistant's files and one back-up because someone's gonna forget their copy at Les Deux) that means you're printing 708 pages. High speed copiers are quick, so count along as each page spits out of the machine and turn around exactly when it's done. If you're wrong, start again. It's only a couple of trees you're killing.

Sergeant Hartman Drill -- Want an assignment at CAA? You'll first need to survive the a reenactment of this scene from Full Metal Jacket before qualifying for this $12/hr gig. Welcome to the Death Star Private Pyle. Drop and give me 20.

Copyright Infringement Theatre

Courtesy of toothpastefordinner.com

More crap coming soon to a theater near you

Hollywood movie execs have stopped trying to do anything creative, so I'm just gonna follow their lead. No witty repartee. No stories from my youth. Not even anything made up. Just a list of announced remakes soon coming to your multiplex.

(For a list of other remakes soon to be clogging your theaters, click here or here or here.)

Karate Kid -- Nepotism doesn't exist in Hollywood. So take comfort in knowing every actor, director or writer who gets a gig that you didn't is actually very talented. It has nothing (pause...Excuse me while I hold down some bile) to do with...who...they're...(gag)...related...to. Anyway, Will Smith's kid is gonna play the lead in this needless remake. I'll say this, if 11-year old Jaden Smith can make the love story part convincing, maybe he deserves this role. But I doubt it.

The Warriors -- Proving that not all remakes come from the early 1980s, this 1979 martial arts cult classic is getting a spit polish courtesy of MTV Films and Tony Scott. I've never seen it, so I can't even offer some scathing analysis. Ok, just one. It'll suck.

Greatest American Hero -- "Look at what's happened to me. I can't believe it myself." I've become another Hollywood remake (I know, it used to be a TV show, but close enough). Sadly William Katt will be unable to join the cast as he's too busy reprising his role as Richard Sullivan in the direct-to-Cinemax classic Distant Cousins. Oh, and before you greenlight this, remember that Mystery Men lost $35 million and The Meteor Man and Blankman made only $8 million.

Footloose -- Metrosexual hero of the moment Zac Efron (sorry Ryan Seacrest, your throne has been usurped) is set to star in this remake of the 1984 Lori Singer vehicle. Will we soon play "6 degrees of Zac Efron?" Will Kenny Loggins resurface on the soundtrack? Nobody puts baby in a corner.

The Dreaded Christmas Cards

Do you hear that? It sounds a little like a whale's mating call but with more sniffling. That's the sound of Mom X and Dad X crying because of what I'm about to write.

My parents did their darnedest. They made sure my education was top notch. They moved to good school districts. They sent me to accelerated programs, SAT prep classes and the second best college in Chicago. They spent many nights helping me with math homework (until I got to Algebra 2, at which point they were useless). Heck, when my fifth grade class had a balsa wood bridge building contest, Dad X gave me book on roof trusses so I could learn about structural engineering. (FYI -- The bridge held 70 pounds and I came in second place).

But after all that education and preparation for the real world, reading volumes of books on urban development, German history and the Nixon administration, I've been reduced to to this tedious but critical skill in Hollywood -- mailing Christmas cards.

Trust me, I'm as sick about it as you. A couple years ago I worked for someone who mailed cards to 1,400 people. That's like sending a card to one out of four people in Wasilla, Alaska. It was a trying moment in my Hollywood "career." But like death, taxes and a new SAW movie every Halloween, Christmas cards are an unavoidable task for a Hollywood assistant.

Following are tips on ways to make this dark period of your life go by as quickly as possible. So turn on some music, relax, pour some whiskey in your coffee and dive in. It'll be over before you know it...

• DO NOT UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES USE MICROSOFT WORD AND SIMPLY TYPE UP EACH ADDRESS ON AN INDIVIDUAL LABEL. THIS WILL LEAD TO DISASTER BECAUSE YOU CAN'T SORT, ALPHABETIZE OR CROSS-REFERENCE ANYTHING. USE A DATABASE OR MICROSOFT EXCEL AND THEN DO A MAIL MERGE.

• Use each field in the database for one item only (e.g., first name, city, zip). Do not combine the recipient's first name and last name into one data field (e.g., "Elisabeth" and "Hasselbeck" versus "Elisabeth Hasselbeck").

• Make sure your mailing labels are big enough for all the address information. Avery 5260s (the ones your office is most likely to have) are usually good for four lines of information. So after putting in the person's name, title, company and street address, your label is full. Consider eliminating or consolidating non-critical information or getting different labels.

• Don't lick each envelope. Instead, use a glue stick. This will prevent your tongue, breath and salivary glands from revolting against you. Before you seal the envelopes, make sure to cover your work area with paper (I prefer a thin cardboard). This will prevent your desk from getting covered with glue.

• Don't send Christmas cards to dead people. I narrowly avoided this disaster once. If you have any doubt about whether an intended recipients is taking the dirt nap, look it up. Wikipedia is right a good 80 percent of the time.

• Use moisturizer. I know it sounds like that speech about using sunscreen, but I'm very serious. After handling a few hundred envelopes your finger tips dry up and are less likely to protect yourself from very painful paper cuts.

• Show your boss a sample before you assemble all of them. Hollywood executives are a finicky bunch, so it's best to make sure they know exactly what it's gonna look like. Otherwise you'll end up doing this twice.

• CAA moved to 2000 Avenue of the Stars a couple years ago. If anyone still has them at 9830 Wilshire, please update their contacts.

Now let us never speak of this posting again. My college diploma is laughing at me.